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| Songs to DownloadIf I had my way - Bobby Valentino Anonymous - Bobby Valentino I wanna be - Chris Brown U think you know - corey williams See you again - miley cyrus Be with me - J. Holiday I'm Yours - Jason Mraz Won't go home without you - Maroon 5 Just Friends - Musiq Soul Child My Good Thang - Pretty Willie I love yo girl - the dream I got my - Static Major ft. Lil Wayne It's alright - Latif Give you the business - Yung Berg ft. Ciara | | |
| After the FactHe broke up with me. I have never fought so hard to keep someone in my life. With everyone else that broke up with me, I just tried to be strong and took it. I have never felt this way about anyone...ever. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to lay there in his bed and hold him forever. I was fighting time, the minutes on the clock. I was so close - I heard his heart beat. I wanted to keep him. I couldn't cry that morning but I felt so much pain instead that I could feel my heart break. He means so much to me.
I left his apartment, broken and angry with myself for acting the way I did. This one sided love I feel that caused me to lower myself. I was trying so hard to keep him. All I wanted was to keep him in my life. All I could say was "I'm sorry" and I couldn't even look at him because I was disgusted with myself for trying so hard. He just told me to leave. Not looking back, I left.
I didn't want it to end the way it did but it did.
He sent me a text later saying he hoped i got home ok. he read my xanga and that he would give my stuff to chris to give to alex. Said good luck with attaining my goals.
I didn't know what to do with that. I was at Carl's and it took me alcohol to release all of my trapped feelings. I never needed alcohol to do that before. I just balled until my eyes couldn't take it. Thinking of past break ups - boys will never know the thoughts that surge through your mind as you are crying, the raw intensity of pain, the 17 tissue boxes you cried your heart out, things you did just because for them and they didn't know. If one day, he googles my xanga agains and reads this... This is the most honest I will be on this.
My xanga is used figure out my feelings, sort things out. I think things and then I change my mind. Xanga only captures the moment that I am feeling and usually when I am on this, I'm lost or confused. So of course, all the good things aren't mentioned because I am HAPPY and enjoying the moments of happiness while I was with him. Sometimes I do reflect and mention them but there are so many things I have done. Even after the fact, I still want reflect and tell you how I feel at this moment.
Even after the fact, I still want to prove to you that I can be faithful. You left me so helpless and confused during our relationship/dating thing. You told me we weren't anything so how was I to know we were still dating exclusively? I was so unsure and insecure - you knew that. I never felt like I had you - ..... The only times I did was when I held you close in my arms. I do take blame because I did do it and I thought you were doing the same thing. but if you made me feel that we were something - not nothing... I would be completely faithful.
I want to prove to you that I can be the girl.
I never got a chance to say the things that led me to I fall in love with you. romantic love - intimate and compassion.
You make me feel so elated when I see you. To be honest, I did want an internship for the summer but I didn't need to do it Irvine or the OC or need to do it this summer. I really liked you and I wanted to keep seeing you. I say I look forward to coming up for my internship but it was more for you. So if you were wondering how important was my internship in Irvine was - if it wasn't for you, I would have never pursued it or thought about pursuing it. You mean that much to me. I felt something was there and I was willing to do that to feel that something - that feeling of being cared about and having fun with you.
I love running into your arms and kissing you when I see you.
I just went to Kimmy's boyfriends football game and I told her how I remember going to your basketball game. I thought it was funny to watch you play but you were really good and so cute. I was focusing more on how adorable you were when you played and shot your 10 points. Everything reminds me of you.. when journey comes on. When my friends go - that's what she said. When I walk out my door and pause at the balcony - I remember how in the morning as I was looking at the view, you came behind me and held me. When I look at my couch, I remember you were coming down to SD and you came late so I fell asleep on the sofa where you came in and woke me up with your kiss. When I look at fiesta island, when we rode bikes and tried to kiss while riding the bikes. Or our walk in the center of the sandy island. When you held my hand through the mall... I felt like I belonged to you. It was all you and only you...
Then there are those times I woke up with you next to me.. You looked so peaceful and adorable.. So perfect. I remember kissing you with your smelly breath and it didn't matter to me because it was you.
I'm not the best person in the world but when I'm around you, you make me want to be better. And there were times I was mad and frustrated and it was all because of my insecurity. You give me butterflies. My friends tell me they have never seen me so wrapped up in someone like this before. Its different.
I will learn from this experience.. I'm just sad that you feel we weren't a great match to begin with. You feel that there's no future here. I'm actually extremely sad that you believe that. That's harsh.. hurts but if that is what you feel.. I fell for someone who believes that
Near the end, all I wanted was to make you happy. I thought of you everywhere I went. I didn't expect much even though you thought I did. I didn't expect you to come to san diego or to go to the fair with me or go somewhere or to meet your family. You didn't let me in and you held back and you tell me that my actions backed up your decisions. If you didn't hold back - wouldn't it be different? I would be secure and it would be about you. I was always scared of crossing the line. I see many things or opportunities where I want to do something for you but then I question myself and your thoughts of me. The fact is, I was willing to do a lot for you.
I can't do anything to have you back. I know it won't happen because when you put your mind to something - like ending this - you mean it. Well, I don't feel like dating anyone. I don't feel like partying or going out clubbing where I end up kissing someone. I don't want it. I want you. I'm serious about loving you. I wouldn't give my heart and body to just anyone and I wouldn't fight so hard to keep anyone that didn't have my love.
Although that doesn't mean much to you, I just don't want to look for another guy or talk to guys. I just want to maintain my friendships.
When I was at vince's and Chris's party last night, the office hos and ceos party, I was with Alex and I guess her and chris aren't doing so well. But at least they can make it through because he wants her and she wants me. He doesn't want me. I drank a little bit and felt tired yesterday night. All the conversations just made me miss you more. I was thinking of you. Felt like a stranger in a crowded room.
I value your opinions, your mind, and your thoughts...
You are a great person and I am so glad that you walked into my life. I have so much fun with you and if I could take back anything, it would be that I wished we were better friends before going into this and if timing didn't suck so bad.
Am I that horrible of a person that you wouldn't want me ever?
I want you to view me as a good person who just wanted to give her heart to you.
Still have more thoughts pacing in and out of my head.. My mind is just spitting out.
Been listening to slow jams too and getting "emo".. remember Day Late by Joaquin? such a sad song.. cupid 112, the only one for me - brian mcnight...
Day late lyrics that stood out to me.. "I was a day late in a heart beat sure from love, you're the boy every girl could only dream of, if i had one chance, I would have you by my side, But I have to realize that you will never be mine... i wanna share the time but there is no me.. oh it would feel so right.. but that's a fantasy, another life... "
"Cupid doesn't lie, but you won't know unless you give it a try.. true love won't lie, but you won't know unless you give it try.."
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| At the internshipSo here I am on my desk relaxing after a labor intensive hour of filing project samples. It really is more strenuous than it sounds. Those printed samples are super heavy. I think I just did a year's worth of filing because I saw most of the samples saying July 2007. I started sweating but then again I sweat easily - gross.
I was here yesterday and afterwards I hung out with my ex Tien. It was a little awkward. Hanging out with him reminded of all the gentlemen like (chilavry) things he did for me like open my door, hold my bag (I bought a book and was carrying a million things), and offer to pay. I'm not used to that. Thomas used to open my door too.. But the guy I'm dating, I never really noticed how he didn't do those things. Guess I didn't notice. I open my own door, I sometimes walk in front of him, I am noticing that I am empty - no expressions on my face - maybe somberness - or lifeless.
If I could describe myself in 3 words (not in an interview or anything), it would be AMBITIOUS, OUTGOING, & SMILEY. I haven't been smiling as much as I used to... is that depression or maturity?
Is this guy causing me to feel this way - worthless? Or that I deserve to be treated the way I am being treated. He's nice sometimes and he did offer me a place to stay when I'm in Irvine. That's a gesture. He picked me up when my car broke down beside the freeway - that's a gesture too. What do these gestures mean when the conversations I have with him is like "You knew coming into this what to expect. I thought we were on the same page. I don't want a girlfriend right now and you know why. I can't afford to have a relationship with you. I can't do those things for you because we're not anything." I try and try because I don't like to give up.
Reading back on my older blogs, I feel so immature and I was saying things like I loved him so much. I was always seeking for someone to fulfill my loniliness. I can find someone who will treat me like Thomas did. It was him - Thomas.
The dilemna is I'm in Irvine for my internship and I really don't have a place to stay up here. I can drive up on Wednesday mornings so I could just spend one night up here as opposed to two. Staying with Jeremy would be me using him and I thought I could do that - just have a summer fling and use him for a place to stay - but it doesn't work that way. When I'm with him, I want to be with him. And there are times he pisses me off because of his unwillingness to go on a date with me. I had to adapt to his mood. What about me? There's no compromise accept me going along with whatever he wants to do, and I can't really fight or blow up in front of his friends. This is his territory not mine. I am a guest. I thought I was more. I'm merely a guest. So if I drop him, I would have to drive up and down twice - that's a grip load of gas. I already felt it because I did it this week.
He should have come back from Cancun late yesterday night. I haven't talked to him since I dropped the L bomb on him after a drunken dial. Do I mean it? From what I'm feeling, how can I love someone when I don't feel like I love myself?
My mind is so sporadic. I came back to San Diego to party with Kimmy and Bruce. It wasn't really a party but more of a kick back of Taboo and flip cup. Its great to be this young. When I look back as a 25 year old, I hope I'm still having fun in my social life and moving up the corporate ladder.
Ah... and I have work at the Hilton tomorrow... bring on the farmers and shorts tan.
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| Thinking about the future and him To be honest, I truly don't know what is going to happen in the future and of course no one knows but I am anticipating something that will drastically change my life. I have never been worried about this before but because of my outrageous and drunken nights, I haven't been the most responsible pea in the pod. Whatever happens, at least I have a back up plan.
I think I finally figured out what I want in a guy. I've always had a person cater to me and for the most part treated me well. Well enough for me to be with them but as I am growing up in this lonely world, I am learning what I need in a man. From dating Jeremy, I figured out that I need someone who challenges me, makes me rethink my original thoughts, and pushes me past my limits. Jeremy challenges me but in a negative way - we are always drinking and he doesn't take me out on dates, he doesn't introduce me to family or wants to - he doesn't act like gentlemen around me. Because he is very intelligent and ambitious he makes me rethink and I want to be better than him. From what I have been experiencing, he doesn't give me the attention and affection that I crave because he doesn't and he won't try. He listed all the reasons why a relationship witih me wouldn't work and to top it off - he says you think you may be all great and everything but you are not - there are things about you that I find unattractive... he listed those things and the reason why I do those things is because of how complicated this "dating thing that is nothing" has come to be. I wouldn't act a certain way if I was secure in the "dating thing" and I'm not. If I'm not so great why is he still seeing me. Have I just degraded myself to just a sex doll. I enjoy it but I want more - I want a relationship.
This is so sad... I put up a front that I am having so much fun with my friends and I am - but at the end of the night, I cry. I have laid in his arms feeling so safe and wonderful and then I remember that its going no where. So I pause and run off into the bathroom - looking at myself in the mirror with my tears. I look at the broken person that is me and I hurry and remember he is waiting for me to come back. Wiping the tears, I put on a smile, hoping he will notice my smile and not my watery eyes. I rush back in his arms as an empty person. My heart is damaged and I was the one who inflicted it. I could have walked away but I couldn't help it.
Here is another scenario. So I was mad at him last week and I forgot the reasons but I said I was going to sleep on the couch instead of his bed. So he comes back from poker night and I'm sleeping on his couch but he was on the computer so that woke me up. He looks at me and asked "why are you sleeping out here?" With my pouty face, I said because I'm mad him for being a dick or something like that. He speaks to me sweetly,"well, I'm really tired and we'll talk about tomorrow after you come back from work". He made me melt.. and I couldn't help it.. I missed him so much. I tell him to come into my arms and he does and we kiss. I hate how I get all riled up over something and then it dissipates the moment I see him again. He asks if I want to come back to sleep with him and I follow him to his bed. Totally reminds me of "Hate that I love you" by Rihanna and Neyo except there really is no love here.
I need to let go. I need to find that inner strength to stop. To be honest, I'm not sure I can do it. But we will see.. if that thing happens that I am anticipating, I will do it... but if not, I really don't know.
Vegas was fun. Crazy for me :0). But goddamn it, still had him in my mind.
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| on a life high - on a complicated love lowSo why is my life so freaking awesome right now? I'm pursuing the things I want and I am able to reach it or at least it seems within my grasp. I applied for two internships and although I wasn't sure if I got either of them, I did! They liked my resume, my professionalism, and personality. Yay! The LA would have been better because I would be working for a modeling agency and I would get in contact with Guess, Target, and IBM and go on casting calls and commercial shoots but the traffic was too hectic and well, I would be commuting from San Diego. Its a far off. I guess I really didn't think it through if I did get it. I haven't called them to let them know I won't be able to be their intern yet. I guess I'll do it soon.
So I'm settling with the one from Irvine for an advertising agency. Relatively small but I would get a broad spectrum of experience by observing them. Isn't that cool!?
I recently got a new car too! Yay! A silver honda accord. I originally wanted a honda CRV but I fell head over heels for the accord for the power and smoothness of the ride. CRV was pretty bomb diggity too. legit
I'm pursuing a financial internship for the fall and that's gonna rock if I get it. I went through 2 interviews and I have homework before I can pursue the 3rd interview and they will let me know if I can do it. Awesome cool beans huh? I would get the life insurance selling license and that would be bomb! Plus Northwestern Mutual kicks Ameriprise's butt. hehe jk only said that because Jeremy's working for them.
So.. yesterday I had a meeting with the president of the advertising agency and I called everyone I knew to hang out with at UCI. Also did a little facebooking but little responses. Who doesn't wanna kick it with an old high school buddy and its random too!? I would totally hang out with whoever! So, then I didn't really want to leave OC right away so I called Tori for lunch and she didn't pick up. Called Adam cuz he lived in Irvine and he was in San Diego on his way up to Irvine so we met up later that day. But before... it was around 10 30am after my meeting and I had literally nothing to do. I called Jer. So he told me to come over and I did. I got him breakfast and kissed him good morning. Hung out with his roommates for a bit. Then he woke up and did homework and went to class. I was planning to leave but then I felt sick. I have been feeling sick for the past couple days and that's why I've been so MIA from all the fun stuff that had been going on. I fell asleep for about 20 mins. When I woke up, he was holding me. Then we fooled around. Couldn't fool around that much because its that time of the month but we played for a little bit. Then I ended up driving over to Spectrum to go to the Yard House and shop for professional clothes. Hung out with Adam and Bry. Happy hour pretty much rocks. Went shopping for clothes and those two are the bestest consultants ever! Haha I was still little buzzed when I was purchasing my items. And I played with a cute yorkshire shintu puppy. So cute I wanted him!
I then met back up with jeremy and went to his friends bbq to watch the lakers play the spurs in the playoffs. It was pretty chill until poker. I guess the word matt used was "murked" when someone goes all in and you win and take their money. Me and jer ended up being the last ones on the table so we split it since he bought in for me. During the poker session, he said some subtle hurtful things. Glen saw it and defended me. Jer didn't realize he was a dick until I flicked him off after a win on the table. He was trying so hard to figure what he said or did to deserve that. We talked about it later in the car ride back. So I was mad at him. And he said he is the type to just walk away and not care about the problem. Obviously he cared enough to know what he said and he apologized. He basically was a dick to me in front of his friends - like i think they know I'm a great girl and they can see him taking me for advantage. But even with that little thing with me being mad at him, he doesn't know if he wants a girlfriend. We acted more and more like bf/gf or more cuddly around each other, calling each other babe and stuff. I don't know - I told him I heart him. And he told me that he cares about me. I told him that the heart means "caring and liking". K- I know I'm really lame because I'm getting more clingy. If I knew he was mine, I wouldn't be so clingy because I would be secure. I wouldn't have to question myself and assume I'm not good enough or its not the right time. Timing has already been established but the biggest thing is - if you really want someone and that person is great and amazing, no matter the obstacles - if you really want her, you would go for it. Take that leap for her.
Now I'm back in San Diego, awaiting on a love decision that I shouldn't be waiting on. But I want him (no matter the obstacle) and I took a leap. I'm waiting to see if he leaps for me.
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