super-random entry seeing as though it's like 3 in the AM but i had to note what just happened because well...i dont keep a diary anymore & i wanna remember this sentimental moment lol.

sooo the past couple months...well longer than that actually, shit with me & rob has been real crazy and on & off and like i had tried to let go so many times but i just couldn't do it until like a couple days ago i just really felt like that was it, i couldn't do it anymore. i wrote him a whole e-mail and everything. and i tried to stay mad at him and show him i didn't care but after a while i realized it wasn't worth the energy. so like today, things have been real mellow and it's like, the fact that we weren't arguing or stressin our relationship, made things just maad chill between us. like we went out as a family and we were just talkin about maad stuff and it felt like US a year ago, you know? & so i just felt so confused cuz it's like i dont wanna get caught up and then get let down again like 2 days later. so i called him like 1 in the AM and he had beeeennn sleepin but i just told him everything i was feeling, like as if i was falling in love all over again and how it hurts to know that although i want us to be together, it seems like the only way we can be happy and good around eachother is if we're NOT together. and like he just had nothing to say so i got upset cuz it's like i keep pourin out my heart, thinking that if i tell him this, or explain that to him, or try and get him to understand something...that maybe it'll make a difference this time but no...he had nothing to say and so i took it like he didn't care. and so we ended up kinda gettin into an argument about that cuz he got mad that i was assuming shit and tryna tell him what he felt. but you know, i just told him like, if you cared then you wouldn't just say things like "think what u wanna think" or whatever. & i reminded him of how in the beginning of our relationship, no matter what was said or done, he'd find himself here at the end of the day making sure i was iight and making sure that no matter what, i knew that he loved me. & i told him that i love him sooo very much no matter how much i try and hate him and i just can't seem to stop myself from trying things with him because i still feel like we're meant to be together. so i was crying & stuff but i was just like you know what, im sorry i woke u up, i know u have work in the morning so go ahead and go to sleep. so he told me he loves me too and said bye so i hung up.

okay, so then like 20mins later, right when i was falling asleep i hear a banging on my window. and at first i thought i was hearing things so i called him and he told me to come to the door. so he came inside and he told me he loved me and he was just holding me and kissin my forehead and stuff. and then we were layin in bed watchin Aniyah sleep & i asked him why he came. & he pointed to my heart. so i said "mine or yours?" and he said "mine" and then he pointed to my heart again and said "this is mine". and gave me a kiss on my neck...and it just felt like US all over again, like i said. like all the feelings came right back as though they had never left. and then we umm...made up lol. i dont think details are necessary in that department but anyhoo...yeah.

idk like im just really skeptical cuz its like, i KNOW he's gonna do something to get me upset and fuck this all up like TOMORROW lol but i cant help how i feel. i keep putting this guard up to protect myself from him but at the same time, he's the only person that can break it down.

i'm...kinda at a loss right now =\

`JAE

ssoooo it's been a minute. & things are pretty good for the most part. kinda rocky between me & rob but we're more focussed on Aniyah so we're tryna put our differences aside. speaking of the baby, she's 2 months old now & she's gotten so big. :sniffles: ima miss these times.

well anyhoo, not much new to update on except i finally got my first tat yesterday:

idk if you can see it cuz it's all greased up with ointment lol but it's the comedy/tragedy theatre masks & it says miseria dulce [[ sweet misery ]] & it's a woman's face & a man's face and it's pretty much my definition of love. :sigh: well the mister ((or whatever he is to me now)) just arrived sooo i'll update...whenever something else interesting happens lol. don't count on it.

*JAE

okay, so the little one & the mister are currently napping so i think i have time for that long-awaited update lol.

so when i last left off, i had just had an ultrasound done to make sure she was still fine in my tummy even though she was a week late. & everything was good and i was scheduled to come back that monday to check on things again and probably be induced.

BUT things didn't quite happen like that lol. friday night, Rob went home finally after about a week of being here anticipating that i'd go into labor. and so we were on the phone, fell asleep & then @ like 4:45 AM my back started hurtin craazzyyy, and i felt like i had to use the bathroom. so i got up and tried...nothing. same thing happened again like 10 mins later. so goin back to sleep was out of the question. i start pacing the whole basement trying to wait it out to see if these back pains were finally REAL contractions. they started coming like every 5-7 mins so i woke Rob up over the phone and told him and he shot up and told me to tell mommy and that he'd be on his way. so i went upstairs, told her & she told me to start writing down the times and seeing how long each one lasted. soon enough they were 2-5 mins apart.

By 7AM we were @ LIJ (the hospital) filling out papers. they checked me out & i was 4cm dilated and 90% efaced meaning i was about halfway there. they decided to admit me. so things were okay, had some variables in my heartrate & the baby's so they kept a monitor on  everything. By 10AM my OB/Gyn had arrived and soon after, broke my bag of waters. unfortunately there was some meconium, meaning the baby had pooped & that's not a good sign. after she broke my water the contractions became just unbearable. asked for an epidural a couple hrs later and was 5cm soon after & her head was already coming down. let me just say...an epidural during labor is heaven-sent lol. i just couldn't take it. but im not the type to scream & curse...so i cried lol. made mommy & rob cry cuz they felt bad they couldn't help me.

So i was now in absolute comfort, just waiting for more progress in my labor & happy that everything was happening on its own. doctor's started coming in though, concerned about the baby's heartrate again. by like 1PM they decided they had to get her out and since i wasn't far enough into labor, that meant a c-section. i was soooo disappointed because i heard so many recovery stories and i was determined to push her out.

But mommy & rob told me things would be fine and after that, it was a rush to the OR. at 1:44PM she was born. it was so unreal. the whole labor, each contraction, finding out i had to get a c-section and even when they were stitching me up made me so sick & nervous i threw up 3 times. ugh.

So because i had a c-section i was in the hospital til monday but i was doin good since saturday, walking around and stuff to help with my recovery even though it hurt like hell. the last week has been better each day. now i hardly have any incision pain. no infections or any other bad after-affects (they say because im young so i heal better/quicker) and im functioning as usual. the little one is good too. she looks like exactly half of rob & half of me lol it's crazy. her features are becoming more prominent too and im doin pretty damn good. my tummy is almost back to it's original size which is great cuz it usually takes 6 weeks. & all the extra lil body fat i gained is like...gone. =)

So everything is well and should only get better. updates when i can lol.

*Aniyah Caroline Christian*

=)

`JAE

So as of today i`m officially a week overdue. Had my weekly doctor's appt. yesterday and finally within the last week i`ve dilated...only like 1cm though but its thinned out so thats good. walked from baskin robbins home yesterday after my appt. to see if i could make more progress. it`s about a 10/15 min walk feels like it did something though cuz im feeling like she dropped more into my pelvis.

Today, had a sonogram done to check if everything's okay. Everything is...which is kinda good & bad at the same time cuz i was hoping to get induced ASAP. they measured her and got an estimated weight of 6lbs 12oz and she`s short lol...which was expected. they did a 3D scan of her too but her face was all chubby & smushed up so we couldn't see much. they monitored her heartrate for like 20mins but she was sleeping so they stimulated her and she got upset lol. started kicking and causing me to contract. so yeah, everything's still good. they said to come back on monday to check on things again and one of the nurses said they`ll probably induce me then. if not then by that thursday the latest since that`s when ima be 42 weeks and they don`t usually let you go past that.

Can`t wait...hopefully monday's the day...if not sooner cuz like i said, seems like things are progressing naturally. We`ll see. i just want everything to be good though & nooo c-section. i`ll be sure to update.

`JAE

=\

So, today is my due date & unfortunately nothin`s hapenning. Had my weekly check up yesterday and my cervix and everything is still closed. :sigh: if i don't go into labor within the next week then i have to get a sonogram to make sure everything is still okay in there. if it is, then they'll probably wait ANOTHER week to induce me. if things don`t look too good in there for the baby then they'll induce me earlier than that but hopefully she'll just come on her own.

geesh, she`s too comfy in there i guess lol. well updates coming soon hopefully.

`JAE