super-random entry seeing as though it's like 3 in the AM but i had to note what just happened because well...i dont keep a diary anymore & i wanna remember this sentimental moment lol.

sooo the past couple months...well longer than that actually, shit with me & rob has been real crazy and on & off and like i had tried to let go so many times but i just couldn't do it until like a couple days ago i just really felt like that was it, i couldn't do it anymore. i wrote him a whole e-mail and everything. and i tried to stay mad at him and show him i didn't care but after a while i realized it wasn't worth the energy. so like today, things have been real mellow and it's like, the fact that we weren't arguing or stressin our relationship, made things just maad chill between us. like we went out as a family and we were just talkin about maad stuff and it felt like US a year ago, you know? & so i just felt so confused cuz it's like i dont wanna get caught up and then get let down again like 2 days later. so i called him like 1 in the AM and he had beeeennn sleepin but i just told him everything i was feeling, like as if i was falling in love all over again and how it hurts to know that although i want us to be together, it seems like the only way we can be happy and good around eachother is if we're NOT together. and like he just had nothing to say so i got upset cuz it's like i keep pourin out my heart, thinking that if i tell him this, or explain that to him, or try and get him to understand something...that maybe it'll make a difference this time but no...he had nothing to say and so i took it like he didn't care. and so we ended up kinda gettin into an argument about that cuz he got mad that i was assuming shit and tryna tell him what he felt. but you know, i just told him like, if you cared then you wouldn't just say things like "think what u wanna think" or whatever. & i reminded him of how in the beginning of our relationship, no matter what was said or done, he'd find himself here at the end of the day making sure i was iight and making sure that no matter what, i knew that he loved me. & i told him that i love him sooo very much no matter how much i try and hate him and i just can't seem to stop myself from trying things with him because i still feel like we're meant to be together. so i was crying & stuff but i was just like you know what, im sorry i woke u up, i know u have work in the morning so go ahead and go to sleep. so he told me he loves me too and said bye so i hung up.

okay, so then like 20mins later, right when i was falling asleep i hear a banging on my window. and at first i thought i was hearing things so i called him and he told me to come to the door. so he came inside and he told me he loved me and he was just holding me and kissin my forehead and stuff. and then we were layin in bed watchin Aniyah sleep & i asked him why he came. & he pointed to my heart. so i said "mine or yours?" and he said "mine" and then he pointed to my heart again and said "this is mine". and gave me a kiss on my neck...and it just felt like US all over again, like i said. like all the feelings came right back as though they had never left. and then we umm...made up lol. i dont think details are necessary in that department but anyhoo...yeah.

idk like im just really skeptical cuz its like, i KNOW he's gonna do something to get me upset and fuck this all up like TOMORROW lol but i cant help how i feel. i keep putting this guard up to protect myself from him but at the same time, he's the only person that can break it down.

i'm...kinda at a loss right now =\

`JAE