"Do you Love me?" the internal process

"Do you love me?"

She whispered in my ear.

A quiet long silence filled the cavern of my brain

Then suddenly the question echoed through my mind once again

"Do   You    Love   Me?"

This question was torn apart in my brain

Do... What does do mean?

The action of doing? 

NO I can't have do in the definition

How can I answer if I don't know what Do means?

Shit...umm...Next word...

You: pronoun second person referring to pronoun I or me

 Because I am Jesse the one being spoken too,

 The voice in the head saying this,

The one of the doing but what does doing mean

Let's go to three-- 'tis a lucky number

Word three: Love

System over load!

Love definition:COMPLETELY UNKNOWN!

Love, it's always been a myth to me.

Just Bullshit word, Just like hope, to make us feel alive

She ask again

"Do, you, Love... me"

Each word seemed its own

Possibly caused by the slow motion take of the situation

Pulling me close to her

As if trying to squeeze an answer out of me,

Or possibly for protection against the answer possibly having a sharp blade

Love, Love, Love? What the hell is the meaning of love?

My mind in over load seconds felt like hours

Love... philosophers have pondered love forever

For a moment every poem and song of love ran through my mind

The annoying little clichés piercing the chaos of my brain

Tighter she pulled me closer resting my head on her shoulder

I am not a man of lying

My word is strong! and what's the point of lying when nobody believes you anyway?

Love? Should I move on to the last word? Yes, I shall what was it again?

That was hours ago, minutes maybe seconds... I don’t' know

"Do you Love..."

Shit what was it? Such a simple question!

She loosened up her grip and slowly her body backwards... she was going to speak...

Think quickly what was it "Do you love?" Who?

Who do I love? SHIT!

Finally her face was in view point

"Me"

Me referring to her

The girl in my arms or was I only in hers?

The girl with the eyes that could melt butter on a cold pancake

I hate clichés

The girl that formulated my thought

I felt a warm sense of something in my chest

My chest? My heart an organ for beating blood into my arms

Why feel it there? It's associated to love. But why?

"I don't know" I muttered out loud

SHIT I spoke I’m not suppose to speak

Shame on you mouth for muttering the thoughts of my head

Over drive a shear terror now entering along with the chaos of my analytical mind

What is love?

The more she pulled back I could see her face

A sweet smile granting me the hope to find the answer

...I already said I don't know

...hope is a bullshit word

I Don't? Do I don't know what do means so possibly I do know

She spoke

I saw the words flying out of her mouth

They were little butterflies

Why is butter in butterflies?

I love butter

So maybe I do love something

Her eyes melted butter

How odd! Am I insane?

I couldn't hear her, but the butter flies tickled my ears

I could just see her smiling

What was she saying?

Was my selective hearing turned on?

I just saw her lips moving as the corners were slightly pulled up

Love?

I felt a rise of passion for some reason in the moment

Was that love?

I see these movies where the people say they are in love and rip each others clothes off

Could I get that reaction?

I hope not, isn't that lust

Lust?

Was this just lust the sweet passion which breeds illegitimate children?

What is love?

ME?

She still was speaking

What the hell is she saying?

DO I have my selective hearing on?

If it was on wouldn't it select to hear what she is saying

Or possibly is it muting the world because I am afraid?

I once said I was blind to the world but am I deaf to it too?

No,

I suddenly out of no where every thought in my mind heard a scream in the back

It was the illogical section of my mind which was hiding in the back

DUMBASS DUMBASS DUMBASS it was screaming

Escape from Monty Crisco?

I love Crisco

And butter

Am I fat?

Is she fat? No she's thin

Love what is love

Something shiny

Love, LOVE!

Her, referring to the girl right in front of me

The one that lights my way and the reason I don't feel alone right now

Future, what is? Nothing, too hard of a concept to grasp something

Her being "me" the last part of the question

You? Referring to me? She's me too what? How

Melting butter on a pancake?

Is she the butter or the pancake?

Possibly both and the warmth combined

Who am I? The pancake?

No the butter I melt she melts me

She’s me, I am me

We are one?

Possibly not quite she knows love I don't

YES!

Butter

Taste

GOOD! But not butter sugar sweet cliché alright

Arms warmth

Words flow mouth listen

Theories

Deaf?

Can I hear her what is she saying

Flower cliché' light blinding words flying?

Softly gracing my ear

ONE!

Close, not quite

But close

Clothes

Not off, not coming off

Maybe lust?

Possibly but not quite

Stepping stone of

Stepping stone

Name

Hers closer

Help freedom save me her name YES!

Closer I felt the answers in my mind

Singing songs of past in cliché

One is the simple number complying three names to one person

She stepping stone or elevator leading me towards the definition

!!!!!!

Instead of nothing the words turn into a song, but she wasn't singing

"I don't know" I say

She looks a little confused I wish I knew what she was saying, possibly painting graces onto the canvas of my mind, but little did she know the canvas was full of thought already

"I don't know if I love you or not, but what I do know is this is the closest to love I’ve ever felt. You are the defining, not logic, nor illogical thought but you. Love name yours yes"

Apparently she was proud I didn't know, either did she... but I thought she loved me?

Asking? What if I said yes? Would she have conformed?

Oh well all is right

I pulled her closer

"Bunny, you melt butter on a cold pancakes... and I’m the butter"

"Then, what or who are the pancakes? And why are they cold?"

"Good question, but I love melted butter even though I don't know what that means"

Getting Older

I was told to dance to the music

Dancing and flailing? I’ll pass going to hell…

And she danced with me as I stood there looking into her eyes

I wanted out, let me out! Let me free! let the beast of me be free!

And I danced listening to the music going

Faster and faster but the movements were slowing

The chaos of the hour was not being brought down until…

The world closed its eyes on this epidemic

Making the hours seem like seconds

I woke up and I had no clue what was going on

I was in a room unknown to my past memory

What happened?

I am naked, cold and there’s a body next to me…

 Is it dead? No, she is just sleeping

How the hell did this dance get me this far

I danced the hours getting stupid with drink

I felt as if I was going to faint

I must have and fallen in this bed next to this body of hers

 Did I bite the forbidden fruit not knowing what to do

 The sweet archaic taste must have escaped my mind

 I don’t remember if I did anything right or wrong

 I don’t even know if I her sing the divine song

I walk out, no I fly out

Throwing on my clothes as I sprint to the end

 God forbid she wakes up and I don’t know her name

 What if it’s Michelle or Susie and she has beautiful eyes

 I’ll never know, well remember what color they are

 Well at least now

 I must have touched her somewhere

 I must have opened up some kind of portal connecting us

 Was there a spark of infatuation or is this paranoia

 Did I run away from ex-future wife, possibly the mother to my child?

I sit down at my apartment the sun is just raising now

Peaking through the window it vales me in part shadow

I reach into my pocket and I find a name and a number

A dark side, a portion my arm is hard to see

I still can’t remember what I happened to me

This is the pornography of my life

I wait several hours until the sun starts to set.

I call this number hoping it’s my forgotten lover

Busy, the number is busy with a beeping in my ear

I hang up the phone and I hear a ringing, instantly

I pick up and my heart skips a beat and she says:

“Who is this?”

Then I say “exactly”

 I must have touched her somewhere

 I must have opened up some kind of portal connecting us

 Was there a spark of infatuation or is this paranoia

 Did I run away from ex-future wife, possibly the mother to my child?

What is her name I don’t remember it does sound familiar

I have been writing, its just that what i've been writing cannot be post due to reasons (with all respect) i don't have to explain.  Unless you're bored and beg then i'll probably break down an make you read them.  The post of this entry (more will be coming) are from the past and present no order will be present. For thoughs of you who try to figure out how i'm feeling and are confused... that is why.

HOME?

I was told long, long ago

That home is where the heart is,

But yet I find my self not at home

When I’m away or even at my house

So what is home a place or a feeling

A desire a state or psychical being

I close my eyes and take in deep

A breath hoping that this breath will keep

It doesn’t though ‘cause nothing stays

The heart pounds harder when the time tolls short

Or the heart grows weaker when time grows longer

Further more I sit lost inside

 My soul a shell hollow and deprived

I crave my friends my family and even my foes

the opposition that I feel empty when nothing  forgoes

Love is a myth told by all that surrounds

In their eyes glitters gold and silver

Holding worth so more than money could buy

I sit and watch confused as they dance their dances

And they court on park grounds; I am nothing but their lame jester.

If pain seeped into my heart tears poured from my eyes

At least then I knew I was a live

The feeling of deadness I wish would break

For my sanity is waning weak.

This foreign land that I am lost in

That has a humor written in devilish tongue

My Christian heart is screaming out

“Help me help me! Figure yourself out!

I want to go home”

Back to part one where is home when all feel foreign

My clan has scattered and some memories departed

Long lost a time the time of the past

The changes have come to me too fast.

Leaving no time for my senses to react

So sit and adapt is the only way

To give home a place a face or answer

I hope that this process comes by fast

Its dark and I’m truly scared

i only my hope my hope will last

What is love/Lust?

My eyes lay upon,

A turned down frame

I close my eyes,

Vivid pictures shows with thoughts of shame

I open again to a small teddy bear

To think such a toy could mean so much

What is love besides an obsession?

To feel complete and to have reason.

A simple drug to blind the senses

Nose up high with false pride

Running into a brick wall

That’s impossible to go to the other side

What is love/lust that feels so good?

That stirs the dreams and grows the smiles

That makes days bright and stars shine

To make a night walk so right.

Make us humans taste heavens

And Angles of normal humans

What is the end of love/lust that hurts so much

That makes every second into hours

A pain that makes a strong man cry

That puts people into a living hell

That throws us into mass confusion

That spits us back to part one

What is it of love/lust that gives us ourselves

Forced into self reflection

Every hearts handed a mirror

Where you can see your soul inside

Every tear clears your eyes

Then you begin to see

What truly is reality.