Not sure why today, but I'm gonna start blogging about my day again. I read some of my old blogs and the nostalgia from it made me realize that if my memory does die out like I expect it to, I'll have something written about my life so I'll have at least a hint of the person I am. I missed out on a good chunk of my life so far but I'll try to make it up by carrying out my goal of actually blogging daily. I've said it a good amount of times before but I really mean it.

Currently everyone is asleep in my house (as usual), I'm the only one who's ever really awake at this time. My chest hurts, when I breathe it feels like all the blood cells in my body decided to have a boxing match with the center of my chest, so I feel these tiny jabs that cause a good amount of discomfort.

Other than that I'm just listening to Enrique Iglesias which is making me still pretty down but I've calm down a good amount.  Anthony Nguyen from PCC seems to think I'm tired for some odd reason because I supposedly "sound sleepy" which makes no sense but he chooses to be in denial about that so I'll just let him think what he wants. It's not like he'll listen to me anyway. It's because he's stubborn and thinks he's always right.

Today...or yesterday if you want to get technical because it's 12:13am. I woke up at around 6:30am-ish for a wonderful Kiwanis meeting. Thinking I would be late I left the house at 6:40am. I arrived 10 minutes early and no one from Circle K was is sight. I shook hands with almost all the Kiwanians but I believe I missed one. Eventually people started showing up. Erin and Michelle; Abby and Alex K; and then Justin Jo showed up followed by Christine Greve. Don't remember much of the meeting besides the guest speaker...WOOO! she could talk! She said so much...I kept thinking to myself..."Geez...when is she gonna stop talking....she's like superwoman....she's like done everything....and I wonder how much coffee she had...I can't keep up with what she's saying....AHHH!!" I was so relieved she was done. The last thing she was talking about was a program that started in Washington state and now are "experimenting" with the students from the high school I graduated from. She put a lot of emphasis on the name HUG HIGH SCHOOL and how they have a high count of students who are MINORITY and apparently need more mentoring help than other schools because the amount of students that apply to college are very low. Yeah, so glad it was over.

Afterwards, I figured it was still pretty early so I thought I'd drop by Enrique's to maybe catch him before he left for work. I got there just in time, he was walking out the door. I got to take him to work which made me feel a little bit better about the night before because I cried because I felt he didn't want me around. Slightly squished in the cab of my little truck, Enrique, George (Enrique's brother) and I made it to GSR and said our goodbyes and he turn around and walked away. I offered to take George to return his books to someone I can't recall and then headed home.

At home I was feeling pretty lonely so I put on music and crawled back into bed and slept. Waking about 30 minutes later I looked at my phone seeing that I had 2 missed calls, Lorabelle and David. I wondered why I didn't hear my phone but it was on silent. Go me! Lorabelle wanted to know if I wanted to go to Costco with her while the call from David, I assumed was a return call from my message hoping him a Happy Birthday earlier in the day.

Before I knew it was in Lorabelle's car and on our way to the wonderful place with industrial-sized everything.
We all know the best part about Costco are the free samples and I power-walked to each station consuming everything that looked decent to eat. We got drinks as well. When Lorabelle started the car my eyes were drawn to her cup in the cup holder and couldn't help but notice there were rippling rings like in the scene in Jurassic Park where he puts his cup down and then looks at it and thinks to himself "OH SHITT!! Something's coming!" I told Lorabelle to hurry! "Dinosaurs are coming!"

Then her phone rings. It was Nate. Lorabelle had to pick up Nate (her boyfriend) for lunch so when we got to campus(where he works) to pick him up. We were a 'lil bit early so we sat in the car discussing our feet. No idea why, but we did. I was also on the phone with Shaun sometime in there and somehow Lorabelle claimed/named a baby squirrel Jeff in that time period as well.

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...bah too tired to continue...

Man, it's just been one of those weeks...

My day will start out just fine and towards the end of the day I get sad...
I have homework I should do but I've had so much on my mind the past couple of days it's too distracting.

It bugs me...WTF do I want?! Geezus...

I wonder if he ever feels this way...build yourself up with hopes and then have them...just stop. It ends. You can't blame anyone but yourself because you brought your own hopes up. Would it be avoiding someone if you just decide not to call or message someone until they did it first? To just wait...hoping maybe they'd think of you too.

The answer always seems to be a "no" in my mind, it's not going to happen.

I don't want it to go back to the way it was before. I want...to be part of his life too...I want the chance to see what everyone else get's to see...to be treated the way he treats them...just for a little bit...

I'm losing my mind...I'm going psychotic...I'm losing the grip on who I am.

Who am I? & what the crap do I want?? I'm tired of this continous toying...I want it to stop and leave me alone. It's not funny in anyway...so why won't it leave me alone?? GAHH!