if i walk away and just let you leave, you'll be stuck in my head like a melody..

i can't believe i still have this thing. i guess my need to write, even though i don't often, mixed with old memories and what not will never leave.

life is just like a box of chocolates. really. sometimes i feel like i picked out the coconut one. where i bite into it and at first everything seems fine but then the taste lingers and the bits and pieces just disgust you. then i pick the rum nougat one, my favorite. the safe flavor i always pick and that i know i'll love. then i pick something off the wall and find that i do like the flavor and it just leaves me wanting more of whatever it is. it's a total mystery. something i can't place my finger on but i know what it is. i feel like i've picked something off the wall lately. with being promoted at work, finding something i've been searching for. and hanging out with joan and rae alot. i feel like life is throwing things at me to challenge me. so far, i've been able to conquer every challenge. jump over every hurdle. and sometimes i manage to fall but get right back up and try again.

i thought i knew what i wanted in life. that at every corner, nothing could suprise me because i've been dealt a lot of suprises lately. i've been woken up at 4am in the morning, i've been coming home drunk and stumbling, i've been flirting with someone i know i shouldn't, i've been dealing with a lot more than i can handle and have came out with flying colors. but today, i feel like i've dealt my cards and my hand looks like it's going to loose. i feel like i'm going to loose. like i know what the right move is but i can't seem to find the courage to set down that hand and pick up a new one. i feel like the world i know is going to change drastically and i'm doomed to watch it and not move. i feel like when the weather changes, it senses my emotions. my fears. my doubts. and my desires.

after all i've been through in 2008, i only feel like it should get better from this point on. but there's always something missing in my life. there's a void that i don't know how to fill. i don't know whether its loneliness, anger, resentment, regret, joy, happiness. i just don't know what i could do to fill the void in me. i feel like a chicken with its head cut off and i feel like instead of running around flapping my wings. i'm walking around aimlessly until i find it again, but not so much in a hurry. i want to savour the time i have worrying about whether i'm going to find it and when i do, then what? i go back to what i was like before? i don't want that.

i used to think that fairytales would come true, if you wished hard enough. that everything in my life would make sense if i just let go. i used to think that i had to make an effort in finding someone. but now, i don't even want to think of adding someone into my life who i feel isn't worthy. all those times that i carelessly stared at someone across the room hoping to catch their eye was a joke. the times that i said i wouldn't be shy and just say hey. was a lie. the times that i actually did do something but have them say no. very irritating on half. i guess i have to stop chasing and let things come to me. but with everyone around me being satisified with they have and me questioning what i have, it's kind of hard.

superhuman - chris brown ft. keri h.