Have you ever been so utterly confused by a situation that you don't know how to take it? That just happened recently. First off I'll let everyone know I've been gone for a week or so helping a group my dad's involved with that raises money for missions by riding bikes (they rode the C&O Canal trail and the Alleghany Trail). I was on the support team and drove a fifteen passenger van pulling a twelve foot trailer. That was an experience, haha. But the part that is confusing happened on Tuesday. I got a call from a friend of mine from seminary who happens to live on campus there and she had some bad news. She told me that morning one of our friends was found dead in his apartment at the seminary. It really shocked me. He was an awesome man of God. He was serving as a preacher part-time at a small Brethren church and was one of those guys that you always looked forward to running into. He and I and a whole bunch of our friends had just hung out last week for another friend's birthday. We even split wings at B-dubs. Had I known that was the last time I'd hang out with him here on earth, would I have acted different? Would I have been more deliberate in letting him know how much I appreciate his friendship? Then the questions as to why God would take someone so good so young yet let horrible people live a long time entered my head. I took a little walk (we were stopped on one of the trail breaks to provide snacks/water & gatorade for the riders) and called another friend (cocoonedbutterfly) to try and sort out my head. I had a good cry and luckily I was with my parents and a whole slew of pastors and deeply spiritual men and women who prayed for me and the whole situation. Right now my mind can't quite make it out. I wasn't home for his funeral yesterday and that bothered me. I wanted to go. But the thing I keep reminding myself is that I WILL see him again. I'm not too happy that it has to be so long (at least I think so long) until I see him again, but the fact remains that I know he was a man of God. It's just hard to wrap my mind around right now. I'm over the initial shock and crying when I think about it stage, but now I'm in this odd contemplative stage. Plus I'm going to a friend's wedding today which just adds a whole new set of things floating around in my head. Just keep this whole situation in your prayers if you could. Especially pray for his fiance. I heard she's not doing well (which I assumed all things considered). She really needs comfort from our Heavenly Father in this time of hurt.

Slippery slopes are very easy to fall down and hard to get back up. It seems that when I most need to reach out for help is when I'm least likely to actually do so. Luckily I did call Jared this morning though he wasn't there and that means I'll talk to him. These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster for me as far as porn goes. It's a shame too. Christ really is working in my life, it's just the I know the enemy recognizes that and I'm in a place where it's easy to fall since I don't have too much to do and then I fall. Good thing too is that I'm heading over to counseling here in about half an hour. Elaine always helps me figure this stuff out. I needed to do what she prescribed me to do last time. She asked if I was getting fed at the church I was working at and I was honest and said no. I love my youth group, but I don't really feel engaged in worship. I know that's bad, but it's true. The music is bad and it's just distracting for me being a music person myself and the sermons are good, but I'm already checked out by the time we get there. She told me to find a Saturday night church to attend regularly and the problem is I haven't yet. I could say some lame excuse for not finding one yet, but that's all it would be, a lame excuse. I also need to get back on board with meeting Jared for accountability. That was really helpful knowing that I'd be talking about. My excuse recently is that I'm not sure when I'll be asked so I end up looking at trash anyway. I need to get this worked out. I know God has amazing things planned for my life, I just need to be open to growing and healing from this mess I'm in right now. It's not as bad as it has been, that's what I have to keep telling myself, but I don't want to go further down the slope. It's time to bring in some Light and get rid of some of that mud I keep slipping on.

...yet there's so much left to do! I'm officially done with my Eastern Orthodox Church History class as of this past Wednesday, now I just have to complete my Philippians notebook for Tuesday and my Romans notebook for Wednesday. Philippians will hopefully get done tonight and Romans in the next two days. Then on Thursday I go to the library to check out some books for research for my 15 page Theology paper on the Foreknowledge of God which is due on Monday, June 9th (my last day). These next couple days are going to be crazy. Once I turn in the Romans notebook, it'll all be downhill from there. I'm so ready for summer and the much more lenient schedule. I'm going to start attending a church on Saturday nights per recommendation by my counselor. She's concerned I'm not getting fed at the church I'm working at (which is probably true) so she wants me to go somewhere I don't have be in charge of ANYTHING, haha. I'm excited though because my buddy Jared at our accountability meeting mentioned how he was thinking of doing something similar with his wife due to a similar situation and I told him that I had already been looking around so we're all three going to go together. This summer is going to be a much needed break. I anticipate it will be one of the most rejuvinating summers I'll have had in quite a few years. Anyway, I need to get to work on this Philippians notebook.