“Jesus loves you.” I listen as I keep walking. I automatically became
defensive as I’m told. My immediate thought was, ‘OH MAN! Why do they
always have to be sitting at the same bus stop?’ So I ignore the man,
check the bus arrival times, and have a seat to wait.
Why did I instantly cringe when he spoke to me? It wasn’t because of the message, but more, the messenger.
The man was close to fifty, Caucasian, and appeared to be intoxicated.
Of course, that would just be a crude generalization on my behalf. But
experience is a tough beast to battle against.
Therefore, I was
immediately overtaken by this slight, innate fear. Fear that the man
may try to harm me, fear of the unknown. As I sat though, and listened
to this particular man converse with another, that fear began to
dissipate. My insta-shield never fell, but I no longer had the urge to
run, or to sit at a different stop.
Letting my guard down,
even just a little, gave me room to really listen. To my own mind, my
heart, and maybe even to what God was trying to tell me. So I sit. For
thirty minutes (the bus was late), and I quietly consider my faith.
Why is it that this man could stand there and inform ever single
passer-by that Jesus loves them, plain and simple, and I could not even
grant the man in question a ‘hello’?
I am weak, I am fearful. I
am a child of Christ and et, I cannot bring myself to proclaim the
glory of that fact to my brothers and sisters in uncontrolled
circumstances. The world has me absolutely terrified of speaking up.
The circumstances last night? It was dark, late, I am almost seven
months pregnant, and I was alone downtown. I become totally fearful not
only for my life, but also the life of the child growing within me. I
felt like prey and every unknown face, my predator. So I do what I know
best, I make myself as small and meek as possible. I avoid eye contact,
and keep my head lowered in the hopes that others will look past me,
ignore my presence, and let me be.
So I ask that my child
trusts me and my ability to keep him safe by avoiding others, yet I
can’t trust in the Lord to keep me safe as His child? What is it in me
that can go to homeless shelters and speak to the residents, or that
can speak to anyone about anything as long as someone is standing right
there with me?
Fear of unknown, and a strong fear of losing control of a situation.
Fear of failure? I fail to share the Gospel every time I speak to
someone. My evangelical side is…. Non-existent. I am but an infant in
the journey to knowing Christ. And I’m afraid of what is to come. I’m
afraid of judgment, of being shunned. And I’m terrified of putting my
faith so wholly in one being. I’m scared of being let down.
Chatboard (0)