Today was bad.  Yesterday was bad.  Probably the day before, too. 
I haven't been on in awhile, and I've got my period,
and all this stuff with moving and money is quite stressful.  So I sort of let go. 
Right after I lost that 5 lbs, too.  Damnit.

Never mind.  It's all reversed easily enough. 
There's no food in the house anymore, because we don't want to move it,
so we haven't been buying it. 
...except for some cupcakes.   Ugh. 
Looking at them right now makes my stomach feel so big and crowded. 
I'm sure later they'll be much more threatening.

Friends threw us a going away party on Friday night,
which is what kicked off the weekend of eating. 

I think they're having another party this Friday,
because it will be our last night in town.

My policy on drinking days is not to eat, so as to get drunk faster.

Good motivation.

I think... metamucil is my new favorite thing. 
I take it three times a day, with about a liter of water/tea. 
That's more diluted than instructions say,  but I prefer it on the less grainy side. 
Also I'm drinking at least three liters of water a day, that way.  
I don't get hungry. I have energy.  I take bites of things throughout the day, 
pretty much whatever I want, chocolate, french fries. 
I just don't want much of them, because the fiber in addition to so much water keeps me full. 
So, cravings satisfied, less eating, more energy.  Hydration.

I've lost five pounds.

I don't have to direct so much focus on restricting food.  It just comes. 

It's nice to enjoy things. 

My cousin and I have pretty much made up, I think.  I'm going to the hookah bar tonight.

The thought of piling everything into boxes
and just going,
stirs my pulse to dance, 
but my heart lingers.

This place will change without me. 
Do I want it to?

I want to get on a plane. 
Get on a plane and go somewhere.  Somewhere far.  I'm moving in two weeks.  But it doesn't seem far enough.  It's somewhere I've known before.  I want something new.  Dazzling.  Exhilarating.  Someplace I can be someone new and exciting.  Not that I'm unhappy with who I am. 

Summer traipses on, with no energy yet to speak of. 

I know.  One has to make things happen. 

It's raining.  And I've got no alcohol.  Nothing to make it go faster.

I feel myself going in this neverending circle. 
It's all the same.  We all think we're different. 
I try to explain that what's going on
isn't what you'd like to think 
but you're not listening to me.  
Just to the sirens of your unhappy soul 
singing lurid line after line of the wrong 
done mainly to you.  
Blame, blame, blame.

A fine time for me to stop listening.

You're a fucking squeeky wheel.

♠

I feel feverish. 

The ice is growing thinner, under me and you.

I got a couple of books.  Hemingway.  Mark Twain. 
And some book called "Model Student."

And a yoga video.  I think yoga's gonna kick my butt. 
I'm so not flexible.  But I'm pretty pumped to start it.

I'm so tired of drama and general bitchery. 
I know that's not at all an uncommon thing to say. 
There's no novelty to it.  But I am.  Jesus. 
I usually don't befriend overly dramatic people.  They waste my time. 
But my cousin is such a bitch.  We were pretty close for awhile,
then she got a boyfriend and ditched all her friends. 

Not my fault.  Also not my fault that her boyfriend is for shit. 
But she fucking takes it out on me. 
So I never answer her phonecalls? 
I don't like getting bitched at. 
Yes, I'm moving and we're not going to room together this year. 
Get the fuck over it. 
Apparently we would've just fought constantly anyway.

She showed up at my work the other day, 
made a scene, called me a bitch to my boyfriend. 
Then she chewed me out for an hour or so. 
The bitch session concluded, of course, with her making herself the victim. 
Of course.  Big, bad me.  It's all my fault you hate your life. 

Almost forgot.  She also told my family I was lying to them about being at work, and that I just didn't want to spend time with them.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I'm fairly simple in the aspect of, if you want to be friends, don't bitch at me.  Don't make me responsible for you.  Just be chill.  I don't like bullshit.

Whatever.  Hopefully yoga will help with stress, too. 
Stress eating is killing me.