Currently Playing The Bends By Radiohead Sulk see related

here i am. a month and a half later and im still not over it. well....no. let me rephrase: i AM over it for the most part..but some of it still wants to linger. and it hurts like hell when you cant have something that you once had and all the good times are replaying in your mind. and its not that fcuking bad! considering what he said...its not bad at all! i guess i was just attatched. i really liked him...he was everything in my eyes. and its not as bad as it used to be. like i said, everything just seems to want to haunt me. i had a dream about him last night. that he wrote a letter and sent it out into the ocean. weeks later, i found it. it said:
"i miss everyone. everythings so confusing right now, but ill be okay. i miss him, and him. but i especially miss her, because she was my life for 3 months."

i woke up refreshed. and, up until now, totally blocked out that thing he does to himself. but i cant stop him. no one can. even if we did stop him, theyd put him on more shit to make him stop completely. this whole thing is like trap door. one minute im innocent and unaware. the next im falling for it again. and ive realized why this happens. i am a very clingy person. i value friendship and love more than anything in the entire world. and without it i am NOTHING and i dont know how to deal with that. especially with rejection. i dont know how to be anyone without anyone. and ever since the day he got rid of me, i havent found a single person to leech on, muchless another guy who's caught my attention. im pathetic. and HES not the one making me feel like this. i know im much better off. and i know im much better off than he is. that kid abuses his body worse than bulls. but for some reason i have to look past that. theres more i want to say about this, but ive either forgotten or its just too hard to get what im thinking into words.

im such a girl.