LoveAintMyScene's Xanga

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 12:58:07 GMT

It's back.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 19:13:27 GMT

How could I have spent so much time complaining, when now, all I want to do is go back?

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Sun, 30 May 2004 23:50:28 GMT

i cant believe im actually that STUPID to post stuff like that on here. ahhhhhhhh. oh well lol. i guess its better that he knows...? WHAT THE HELL ahh, i dont know. im going physco. i bet i didnt spell that right. anyway. yeah. why do you have to be so god damn argumentitive!? and why are you so contentious with whatever i say? its fcuking retarded. if i say yes, you say no. if i say red, you say blue. and i bet youre sitting in your computer chair laughing to yourself, "why would i say blue?" i just remembered december, wow.

i cant fcuking do this anymore.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 13:40:07 GMT

here i am. a month and a half later and im still not over it. well....no. let me rephrase: i AM over it for the most part..but some of it still wants to linger. and it hurts like hell when you cant have something that you once had and all the good times are replaying in your mind. and its not that fcuking bad! considering what he said...its not bad at all! i guess i was just attatched. i really liked him...he was everything in my eyes. and its not as bad as it used to be. like i said, everything just seems to want to haunt me. i had a dream about him last night. that he wrote a letter and sent it out into the ocean. weeks later, i found it. it said:
"i miss everyone. everythings so confusing right now, but ill be okay. i miss him, and him. but i especially miss her, because she was my life for 3 months."

i woke up refreshed. and, up until now, totally blocked out that thing he does to himself. but i cant stop him. no one can. even if we did stop him, theyd put him on more shit to make him stop completely. this whole thing is like trap door. one minute im innocent and unaware. the next im falling for it again. and ive realized why this happens. i am a very clingy person. i value friendship and love more than anything in the entire world. and without it i am NOTHING and i dont know how to deal with that. especially with rejection. i dont know how to be anyone without anyone. and ever since the day he got rid of me, i havent found a single person to leech on, muchless another guy who's caught my attention. im pathetic. and HES not the one making me feel like this. i know im much better off. and i know im much better off than he is. that kid abuses his body worse than bulls. but for some reason i have to look past that. theres more i want to say about this, but ive either forgotten or its just too hard to get what im thinking into words.

im such a girl.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 13:16:14 GMT

new xanga...www.xanga.com/theNewPollution

ill most likely still be posting in here every so often..because i dont feel like leaving everything in here behind. this xanga is almost a year old. but you can delete these from your subscriptions:
+VioletPaperDress
+BlackEyesthatSparkle
im getting rid of those probably...well, im just not writing in them anymore.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 19:03:39 GMT

you have to read this.

long, weird, awkward week. it started off with a lingering hesitation to talk to anyone, or much less really do anything. i was still upset about last week and chris and all. but, its getting better. on saturday, my mom drove i went up near record and tape cuz she wanted to go in that snowberry store or whatever. we were about to get out of the car and we saw these 2 black guys beating the crap out of eachother. the one guy was banging the other guys head against the glass window of this store, it was awful. my mom was just sitting there watching in awe and beeping her horn cuz shes retarded, so i grabbed her phone and called 911, but IT WAS FUCKING BUSY. what the hell!? so i tried the police and they came within minutes. by this time the one guy was all bloody and gross looking and they were bringing the fight out into the street. it was horrible. like American History X when dereck was about to slam that guys head into the pavement, the cops got there right before the guy in front of me did. it was so weird...i ended up going to record anyway. the police wanted my mom and i to be witnesses, but the guy that was getting beat up was giving me the eye, so we said no. good thing too, cuz 15 minutes later they let him go and he was roaming right outside of record and tape smoking a cigerette. good luck? i think so.

ahhh and then on monday i was being such a douche. i sat in my room with the door locked listening to Kid A and cried for a half hour. its not depression..just more like deep thought. theres not really a way to make it sound stupid and pathetic, because it all depends on who you are. at least, thats the impression that i get. i talked to chris though. we talked yesterday for a while, and...lets just say, his mom found the secret garden she always knew was there.

theres more i wanna say. but i forget. i seem to be doing that a lot lately. oh well. rapid fire will burn my ass soon enough.

today i talked to mrs.kraft for 45 minutes. the weird thing is, she made me feel a lot better. compared to the other day. she was handing back this paper and the date was 3/4/04 and i had written "WORST DAY EVER" above it. when she was handing them back, she said, "why was Thursday the worst day ever?" i was like, "uhh....*whisper* my boyfriend dumped me" WHATS THAT BRITTNEY, I COULDNT HEAR YOU? my boyfriend dumped me. SORRY, I DIDNT QUITE CATCH THAT, NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY? (by this time, everyone in class was gawking at me) i said my boyfriend dumped me. OH, THATS SAD. WELL, YOURE FEELING A LOT BETTER NOW, ARENT YOU? well, mrs.kraft, actually NO. anyway, today she said to me, "are you still not liking John Carroll that much?" i bit my tounge. "well...im sort of on the fence" i was glad she brought it up though. she actually let me say what i wanted to and wasnt offended one bit. it was awesome. she said i should talk to my guidance counselor about switching schools and about colleges. it was cool, i had no idea she was that understanding. and i feel bad now cuz sara and i make fun of her all the time lol. but i think shes cool. she said i had "depth" to me and that i thought about a lot of stuff most freshman girls wouldnt even consider at our age. she says that im intersting to talk to...and that i have a mysterious element that pulls people in. well, if shes willing to talk to me and hear what i have to say, shes awesome. ive generalized that all the people at John Carroll are jumping off the same cliff. all magnetized to that same corporate cubicle job that i am NOT destined for. John Carroll is a manifestation of lacrosse chicks, bald wrestlers, Grungies, and the future capitalists of America. The girls at John Carroll are plunging into a dark sea of fake tans, cover-up, and ribbons. IE:
+fake tans = every junior girl as far as the eye can see
+cover-up= Lindsay Barnaba's face
+ribbons = the entire Hitler youth. ranging from bookbags, to skirts, to ponytails. its a horribly trendy epidemic that needs to stop. NOW.

my nice tin Beatles lunch box died today because Tim broke the handle off as he dragged me up flights of stairs. (i mean literally DRAGGING me, i was holding on to the other end of the lunch box) and then he smashed it! because he is a dooooouuucccccchhhhhhhhhhhe baaaaaaaaaaagggg! oh well. i fixed it anyway. HA.

Father? Yes, son. I want to kill you.

Sara's party tomorrow. im looking forward to see everyone. and they want me to sing some stuff. ¡Soy emocionado realmente! i miss everyone.

I was just thinking about the time last year when Kyle Lawhawn's music for his slide show didnt work, so he ended up singing the class his beautiful rendition of "My Girl". and then back in November, he and i were talking about it at a football game...he started singing it again and it just so happens that we were right next to the band..and they started playing it as Kyle was singing. ahh good times. like i said, i miss everyone.

Quelque part je ne suis pas un disperse le cerveau

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 13:28:08 GMT

everytime i think im getting better about it, it all just blows up in my face again. the radio has proven to be lethal, and my one true enemy at this point in time. but somehow, i cant get enough of it. its as if the line "Come on, abuse me more, i like it" was stenciled all over my forehead. like a bad april fool's trick. i feel like im reveling in this ordeal, which is pathetic. like im relishing and reliving the pain and heartache everytime someone asks why tears are pouring out of my eyes and why there are long streams of black running down from my face. let me get a few things straight:
1. i dont cry.
2. if i do cry, i dont do it in front of other people. im not the type of person who can just break down in front of a crowd and scream attention.
3. ive never cried over something as insignificant and minor as a boyfriend. until now that is.
if you go to John Carroll (or even if i just told you) then you know just how incredibly shitty my day was on Thursday. i couldnt stop crying. thank god, it wasnt "im gunna make a scene" crying. it was just silent and depressing. i kept getting weird looks from everyone, and i think just about all of my papers and homework have smeared ink from the tears that constantly flooded my face. im not trying to prove a point to anyone, especially chris. and im not trying to get sympathy or condolenses from anyone-- especially chirs. im just trying cope. sorry if you cant understand that. When i started going out with Chris, time seemed to go by so fast..i thought it was something. and now that we're not going out anymore, time has gotten slower and slower. things are getting back to normal. it just feels weird. ill miss it all a lot.

As much as im hating listening to this music, and these lyrics, and these beats and melodies, i owe a lot to OK Computer. just about every song has put me in this state of numbness that im looking for right now. i cant explain it...and i wish i could duplicate it; i wish i could produce something that could mean so much to other people and to myself. but i cant and to tell you the truth, thats a really good thing. at first, i put radiohead in a corner, and i couldnt even bare to say the name. im still kind of hesitant about it all, but ive obviously overcome most of my doubts. Karma Police has been the anthem for today. its been the uplifting factor in my mood and its absolutley wonderful.

i also found all of these pictures from last year in school and at parties...it was so awesome, i loved every minute my eyes stayed fixated on them. There are pictures from:
+ the Brittney/Mark birthday party
+ Brets birthday party
+ Snow last year/ Jess, Anna, Marlayna
+ Arts Festival 2k3
+ Philidelphia with family. that was a fun day
+ Anna's birthday party. good times, too many to count
+ Eigth grade dance/ Sara's afterparty lol ahhhh....the best
+ Goofing off with water balloons with Marlayna and Anna = hilarious!
if you want to see them, ill print them out and send them to you or something. theyre so great. i love them

well...i suppose my venting is finished. not like youll read this. but whatever. i just hope you understand. i want you to so bad.. . . ... .

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 17:25:53 GMT

despite everything thats happened today (and the long conversation i just had with Chris...makes me feel kind of better. but meh about the other thing we talked about) this picture makes me feel somewhat better. i admit, i laughed my ass of when Jorf sent it to me. the hardest ive laughed in a couple days. its from Devoe's party. umm..i think i was...under the influence?

damn you ryan. YOU SPIKED THE PUNCH I KNOW IT! lol

AND DONT LEAVE ME COMMENTS SAYING YOU CANT SEE THE PICTURE I DONT CARE!

(stolen from Anna's xanga:)
Tuesday, March 02, 2004

seems like i just cant stop quoting brittney today:

THE PASSION TO BEHAVE IRRATIONALLY

are her words. and i add to this - is the passion to live beautifully. brittney=good ass shaker. haha...youre a genious too, in the way only good ass shakers can be geniouses. it is a rare and lovely talent.

i love this kid!

you dont have to leave comments. i really dont care. this is something i kind of need to sort out by myself.(see previous entry lol) its not the end of the world..im just super emotional like that. ill be fine...just waiting for the day when i can say that confidently.

ill have to lay off my Radiohead intake for the next couple of days

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 16:12:46 GMT

needless to say, today was awful. and for the first time in months, my contacts stayed nice and wet all day. yeah. chris dumped me. the day before our three monther. what a guy.

breaking up sucks.

its hard to be optimistic with glazed eyes and a soggy face. but ill get over myself. and chris. and every lyric of every song i listen to reminds me of him, which is kind of sad because i dont think there was ever a time during our relationship that chris EVER thought like that about me.

a waste of 2 months and 3 days? no. to you? maybe. but to me...definitely not. ill miss it though. A LOT.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 21:32:29 GMT

all i have to say (or let other people say) for today:

save the milkman: crying is hot

dark side moon37: i love it
dark side moon37: to pieces

IYLim your ZER0: why is charlie sheen on my star wars pencil?

im NOT punk 13: LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE TIKI MAN SHOUT IIIIEIEEEEIIIEIEIIEIEIE!!!!!!!!

save the milkman: you know whats hot about "alternative" boys?
IYLim your ZER0: what?
save the milkman: like most boys buy their girlfriends teddy bears and shit for presents, but the boy is giving me a pixies cd.
save the milkman: which is like on the top ten reasons to "ride him like a ferris wheel"

Anna says, "if people were always content, theyd never get anywhere. id say that about sums up my mood for today. it feels like last year again..." now i dont know if YOU know this, but ANNA=GENIOUS.

the craving                                                             the heart
the hunger                             the crisis
the want      the strength
the need                                                                                   the love
the sufferage         the laughter i love         the eyes
the passion                                    the resistance
THE PASSION TO BEHAVE IRRATIONALLY.
to be myself

let go of fear and worry
                                         the destruction
throw away the cares and concerns
                       to utterly let go
            the compelling words                 with no unwanted hesitation.

the look, the image, the glance, the stare im imagining.

when will it come?