H o s e a

i read Hosea last night...i had forgotten how much i loved it.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
       she will look for them but not find them.
       Then she will say,
       'I will go back to my husband as at first,
       for then I was better off than now.'

 8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one
       who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
       who lavished on her the silver and gold—
       which they used for Baal.

i don't want to be a Gomer anymore...

a look in from the outside

a few weeks ago i went to the seymour heights sponsered UT ministry thing. it was incredible.

we got there around midnight and left around 3ish. i spent the night roaming around the strip, just talking to people. i love people. i love meeting new people. and i love loving people. needless to say, i was giddy that night. the night/morning was great...except for the minor fact that in most of my experiences, Knoxville hates Christians. it's true. i had the best conversaitons going, people were interested in talking to me, and then BAM. the question. "where do you go to school?" crap. lie. say anything. "Johnson Bible College." no, wait, that was the truth, i said LIE! three words. conversation over. it amazed me that people could be so interested in me and what i had to say, and then i say the words, "Chirstian" or "Bible College" and they are GONE. i don't even think i saw them leave. dang. are we screwing things up so badly that people just don't want to have anything to do with us? where are we going wrong? well, in all fairness, if i were an unbeliever and saw some of the things that i see with "Christians," i wouldn't want to have anything to do with us either.

one of the events that impacted me the most that night was when i sort of got, well, groped. well, it was more of a gentle caress really. anyway, i'm talking to this guy, he's totally interested in talking to me. and he comments on my Ohio sweatshirt. and when i say comment, he more like commented with his hand (the word Ohio was written across my chestal region). i just kind of looked down, looked back up, shrugged it off and kept talking to him. then he asked me to go smoke pot with him. as tempting as THAT was, i had to decline (in all fairness to the group). he asked me why not, why i didn't drink, etc. the questions kept coming until we reached that dreadful question. the inevitable "where do you go to school?" dang. conversation: over. thanks for playing, better luck next time.

the reality of bubble Christianity hit me the hardest next. i went and told a friend what had happened. he got mad. he was upset about the chest caressing thing. they weren't supposed to do that. i don't blame him for getting upset i suppose. i mean, i'm a friend and a sister in Christ, and he felt the need to protect me. but then i reminded him: we play by a different set of rules. of course WE aren't supposed to caress each other and what not; it's inappropriate. BUT HELLO!! it's not wrong to them, the people in the world. we cannot hold them to the same standards. when we start focusing on that instead of loving them, we lose-every time.

as much or as little as i may or may not have impacted the strip of UT that night, God impacted me; those people impacted me.

Johnson is great. i wouldn't trade my experiences here for anything. but i can't help wondering sometimes: as much as i'm learning here, and as much as this place is benefiting me and preparing me for ministry, is it causing just as much damage? is the JBC sheltering us to the point where we disassociate ourselves from the world? sometimes i think so. this summer i worked at a hotel. quite a different atmosphere than the Christian bookstore i worked at before. i worked with a lot of unbelievers this summer. i was around them all the time and it was great. i learned a lot about them and about myself. i reached the point where i was no longer offended my swearing or other "inappropriate" acts, and i shouldn't be. WE shouldn't be. remember-different set of rules. we have a higher standard; unfortunately, for now, they don't. we need to get over that.

i am desperately seeking off-campus employment at the moment. i want to get off of this campus, and start DOING something, instead of just talking and listening about it. i'm tired of hearing about everyone else's story and everyone else's ministry. i want my own.

"Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart...But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."         -2 Corinthians 4: 1, 7-12, 16-18

hawa

Hebrew: "to bow down (in worship)"

i did that for the first time in a really long time tonight. like, really bowed before God and just basked in His presence. it was...nice. i highly recommend.

in other news:

1. i love Hebrew, expecially with mr. cook.
2. hockey starts in less than 2 weeks.
3. i could have swore that i told myself i was going to be more disciplined this year...i also could have swore i told myself that last year too. woops.
4. my anger issues are returning.
5. i love God, and i love all of you. really.

Memoirs of a Geisha

this movie piqued my interest quite some time ago, and i finally got the opportunity to watch it a few nights ago. the movie was phenomenal. if you haven't seen it, watch it. i don't care if you're a guy, watch it. talk to duff. there was something about the movie, however, that i have not been able to get off my mind. in the movie, Chiyo, a young Japenese girl, is sold into slavery because her mother is dying and her father cannot take care of her. her life is miserable, and she has no hope. one day, a handsome man, known only as the Chairman, approaches her, makes conversation with her, buys her a snowcone and gives her a little bit of money. he simply made an effort, one most likely very insignificant to him. Chiyo however, is so touched by this handsome stranger's genorosity and love that it changes her. not just for the day, but for her entire life. that moment transformed her from the inside out. after their departure, Chiyo is described as having found hope again, a reason to keep on fighting. she makes a vow to do whatever it took to enter into his presence again. everything she did from that moment, every step taken was to bring herself closer to him.

obviously you can see where i'm going with this.

this scene got me thinking a lot about how distinctively well it portrays a true encounter with God, and about my own relationship with Him. this girl had one encounter with this man, not even a form of deity, and she devotes the rest of her life to him. i'm a little envious of that kind of passion and devotion. i have had my encounter with my Chairman, he has bought me my snowcone. He took  interest in me, why can i not turn around and devote the rest of my life back to Him? every moment, every step, every conversation, every day is wasted and lost unless it is spent on our Chairman, our Deliverer. it doesn't seem too much to ask. then why so many lost days? why can't my love for God and my devotion to Him be enough more times than not? be MORE than enough? it should be easy to stand under trials and temptation with odds like that on my side! but alas, i still fall. i still sin. i still reject grace. and for what? momentary pleasures? as opposed to a lifetime of obedience to the very Reason i exist? good one.

what i would give to have the passion, devotion, and discipline of a Japanese slave girl.

honesty's a scary thing

i'm mad at God. really mad actually. why? i don't know. i have no idea. i'm just mad. i started screaming and cursing at him in my car yesterday. screamed so long and hard that my voice got hoarse. i got so angry that i wanted to quit God. can you do that? just "quit" God? just say eff it and do what you want to do? sometimes (more times than i'd like to admit) i think that would be easier. well of course it would be easier! no standards for living, no problems right? right.

then i am reminded of all He's done, how far He's brought me. i don't swear (much) anymore. i don't screw people over and ridicule them for a laugh anymore. i'm not depressed anymore. i don't cut myself anymore. i don't have sex anymore. i don't struggle with most of the things i used to struggle with anymore. well, false, i didn't really struggle with them to begin with because i was not yet in the arms of God therefore i did not care what i was doing. He always did. i could sense God even before i believed. weird. so, to recap, old Molly-bad. God-good. with me so far?

then i am reminded of some other things, typical "Christian" things. who am i? a child of God. well, ok, great. what now? well, i'm at Johnson. why? because God called me there. why? what for? i have no idea. then i get to thinking, in all the biblical examples of God calling people to certain places, He always told them why. He always told then what was going to happen. "Moses, go here and rescue my people." ok. "Molly, go to Johnson and...." what? WHAT??? GO TO JOHNSON AND WHAT??? nothing. well, alright. i guess so. Molly goes, Molly sees, Molly grows, Molly falls, Molly is faithful, Molly is unfaithful. Molly is confused, Molly is certain, Molly is...

ANSWER ME!

what's next?

though i get caught up in my own inhibitions and wrapped up in my selfishness, one thing i can never seem to forget or look past (which i am extremely grateful for) is that God is undeniably, undoubtedly, and indelibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. ok, so...response to that? oh, i have an idea, i'll just act like i don't care. i'll still do whatever I want to do and screw everyone else. yeah, i like that idea. wait, WAIT, somehow, this plan backfires and leaves me in some trouble. hmm, well, now what? "go back to God" 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? i can't go back there! i took an oath, made a vow, swore up and down that i would not go back down the wrong road. i did. i can't go back now. i have struggled with greed, selfishness, lust, conceitedness, sexual permiscuity,  on and on and on. i can't go back there.'

HOLD ON!!!! a voice enters the room...'i still love you....grace...come home....i love you....i love you....iloveyou. wait a minute...you still love me? you still WANT me?? i don't get You....

"and the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."

and then i got to thinking about the concept of love. i recently asked a friend, "would ever cheat on your wife?" no. "ever?" no. "not for anything?" not for anything. "why?" because i love her with everything i have inside of me. she's a part of me. if i cheated on her i would be cheating myself, cheating myself out of a more prosperous life.

wow. and i 'love' God? hmm. this concept of love confuses me.

i am selfish, unfit, undeserving, sinful, conceited, greedy, etc etc etc. but i am still His. for some reason beyond my grasp of comprehension, i am still His. i am grateful. i love my God, i just need to work on loving my God. get it?