| | honesty's a scary thingi'm mad at God. really mad actually. why? i don't know. i have no idea. i'm just mad. i started screaming and cursing at him in my car yesterday. screamed so long and hard that my voice got hoarse. i got so angry that i wanted to quit God. can you do that? just "quit" God? just say eff it and do what you want to do? sometimes (more times than i'd like to admit) i think that would be easier. well of course it would be easier! no standards for living, no problems right? right. then i am reminded of all He's done, how far He's brought me. i don't swear (much) anymore. i don't screw people over and ridicule them for a laugh anymore. i'm not depressed anymore. i don't cut myself anymore. i don't have sex anymore. i don't struggle with most of the things i used to struggle with anymore. well, false, i didn't really struggle with them to begin with because i was not yet in the arms of God therefore i did not care what i was doing. He always did. i could sense God even before i believed. weird. so, to recap, old Molly-bad. God-good. with me so far? then i am reminded of some other things, typical "Christian" things. who am i? a child of God. well, ok, great. what now? well, i'm at Johnson. why? because God called me there. why? what for? i have no idea. then i get to thinking, in all the biblical examples of God calling people to certain places, He always told them why. He always told then what was going to happen. "Moses, go here and rescue my people." ok. "Molly, go to Johnson and...." what? WHAT??? GO TO JOHNSON AND WHAT??? nothing. well, alright. i guess so. Molly goes, Molly sees, Molly grows, Molly falls, Molly is faithful, Molly is unfaithful. Molly is confused, Molly is certain, Molly is... ANSWER ME! what's next? though i get caught up in my own inhibitions and wrapped up in my selfishness, one thing i can never seem to forget or look past (which i am extremely grateful for) is that God is undeniably, undoubtedly, and indelibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. ok, so...response to that? oh, i have an idea, i'll just act like i don't care. i'll still do whatever I want to do and screw everyone else. yeah, i like that idea. wait, WAIT, somehow, this plan backfires and leaves me in some trouble. hmm, well, now what? "go back to God" 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? i can't go back there! i took an oath, made a vow, swore up and down that i would not go back down the wrong road. i did. i can't go back now. i have struggled with greed, selfishness, lust, conceitedness, sexual permiscuity, on and on and on. i can't go back there.' HOLD ON!!!! a voice enters the room...'i still love you....grace...come home....i love you....i love you....iloveyou. wait a minute...you still love me? you still WANT me?? i don't get You.... "and the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." and then i got to thinking about the concept of love. i recently asked a friend, "would ever cheat on your wife?" no. "ever?" no. "not for anything?" not for anything. "why?" because i love her with everything i have inside of me. she's a part of me. if i cheated on her i would be cheating myself, cheating myself out of a more prosperous life. wow. and i 'love' God? hmm. this concept of love confuses me. i am selfish, unfit, undeserving, sinful, conceited, greedy, etc etc etc. but i am still His. for some reason beyond my grasp of comprehension, i am still His. i am grateful. i love my God, i just need to work on loving my God. get it? |
