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| Something a wise African man told me once...It's been so long. Life has a way of running away with you.
This is short... too short, probably.
I just want to post a thought I had today... something reminded me of this:
the soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.
Just remember this. Please.
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| stuffthings change. sometimes life sucks.
God is good.
13th Floor has changed my life
B.
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| tourI want to be in friendship phase...
Yes, I know that doesn't make any sense... Maybe I sound desperate, and I assure you that I am not... it's just frustrating for me to see people that I really love and care about starting relationships with other people that I love and care about, and I remain single... God knows that my heart's desire is to be loved and to eventually (sooner than later hopefully) be married and have children. I want so much to have a special someone to share things with. Someone that I can know is my best friend... that my secrets are safe with them. That I can completely trust. I know that God is all those things, but that's not what I mean. I really need an earthly person... and I'm not talking about girlfriendship either.
I know that God has a plan and that in his time it will come to pass, but it's so freakin' hard to wait sometimes. I just want that relationship. Can you tell that I'm completely stressed about this?
Today, it was announced that Lauren and Neil, and Shelly and Dirk are starting "friendship phase," which means that they are allowed to spend time alone together so that they can get to know each other better, without everyone else around so that in a few weeks they can officially start dating. Calvyn and Leah are ending their time of "friendship phase" which means that before too much longer they will be officially girlfriend and boyfriend. That really sucks. Not for them, for me. God knows that I long for that so much.
I just want to say that I am relying on him to carry me. He is the one that I am leaning on, and this is not my idol, so I really don't think that he is trying to teach me that I should only focus on him right now. I just don't know.
Plus, I think part of the reason I'm stressed about this is because one of the people that I truly care about the deepest hasn't talked to me in over two weeks, and I'm very worried about him. I really thought that we had something possibly. I really don't have any other way to contact him because he lives in freaking South Africa. Yes, I'm talking about Lelo. No one has asked about him recently, so I haven't had to tell anyone that I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I just don't know what to do. I have emailed him several times, but I am finished until he emails me back again. I miss him so much. But only as friends, just to clear that up.
And on top of that... there is someone on team that I think I am starting to fall for, but I just don't think that anyone, especially him or management, is going to go for it. I really don't think that he even knows. Maybe he suspects, because we tease each other all the time, but... I just don't think that he realizes how easy it would be for me to fall for him. God, Please help me through this. I don't want to be consumed by this.
ARGH!!!!
such is life eh?
it sucks.
Bethany | | |
| Today I am feeling blue. I wish there was a cure. But there isn't. I am guilty. I am ashamed. I do not know what it will take for me to forgive myself. I didn't realize that I hadn't forgiven myself until Shelly said something to my this morning. I know I messed up and I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry it ever happened. I want to go back in time and make sure nothing like that ever happens again. I'm so tired of being teased. I'm not sure how long it's going to take until people stop teasing me. It doesn't feel like teasing. I don't think people are aware how horrible I feel about everything that happened. They may not think it's a big deal, but to me, it is a huge thing. I feel ashamed and dirty. I feel like I don't deserve forgiveness. I should have to suffer for what happened. But somehow, for some reason, Jesus doesn't want me to suffer. He wants to forgive me. Yes, I messed up, but He doesn't care. I cannot grasp that concept. m more later Bethany | | |
| lifei don't feel like having proper punctuation today, so please forgive me... i will try next time... i have no energy to care today! life is tough... i wish i had all the answers... i have screwed up big time now... and there's no going back to fix it... the word is already out... only two days later... i'm going to get a talkin to... i can tell... my therapist was staring at me today... that can only mean one thing... i'm going to get it tomorrow... as long as karien is the only one that knows, then i'll be ok... but once my shepherd finds out, then i'm really in trouble... when shelly finds out that i did something, she'll never let it drop... and i really don't want or need that right now. *sighs* i wish i had a magic horn that would either rewind time or fix everything that has gone wrong in the past week... or several months... but, that doesn't happen. i have to face my actions square in the face and take the consequences as they come. i am ready for them! B. | | |
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