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Lovely_Ophelia
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read my profile
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Name: Erin
Birthday: 5/11/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: I yearn to be better than I am. People interest me... they also confuse me. People hurt, but they certainly feel good to be around. When I have time to be interested in philosophical and scientific things, I like to be. The universe is beautiful, isn't it? I like it best because I believe the beautiful things reflect God. Just as I yearn to be better than I am, I yearn to live in perfection in a land beyond sin.
Expertise: Theatre's a great one that I'm working on. I'm trying to learn all things theatre (except for scriptwriting, I think). Other things I'm an expert at is accidentally giving people the wrong impression, being naive, misreading or mishearing things because my head rearranged the letters, and saying things out loud I meant to just think.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Theatre and music
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/6/2004
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| Emo late-night posts are best read to the song "Clocks" by Coldplay...
I had a lot of trouble sleeping when I was a child. I've always had a very active mind, and been a worrier, so it's not surprising. I couldn't focus my mind and keep it there, or stay still in my head long enough to let myself be asleep.
My father gave me the advice to lay back, and imagine the most calming place I could imagine...
I forget exactly what he said, but that place that resulted from this goal became almost reality for me. It changed in one detail or other every time... sometimes I was laying face upwards in a hill covered in tulips, sometimes I was floating in a pond, with lily pads around me. I was always looking up at a night sky with the breeze lightly flowing over me. A perfect night sky looking down at me, and the stars and I smiled.
That story may have seemed pointless, so the point is here: I desperately wish I could go there. Me, and someone I love, caught between in timeless simplicity. (I can't truly enjoy something until I share it.) I long for it like a child longs for home.
Instead I am fighting through tangled strings of people's lives and how they intertwine. It's a sticky web, and I can't always see the goal. I need a signal fire.
I am not as steady as I seem. If my friends think it is so, it is because I've learned to house the zig-zagging fire within me, and only let it out in the right directions. But sometimes I feel it burning, burning until it reaches my fingertips and I'm sure it will come shooting out of my eyes at any moment!
But I stay where I am. Nothing happens.
And I am still longing.
"Blue Hands I-X" by Daniele Buetti, 2005. Via Artnet.comAddendum: Yet when I look at my imperfect night sky, I know everything can be okay. I feel I am guided, I know I am taken care of. All I lack is a still moment and someone to take my hand...
Life is a beautiful mess. But it cleans up nice.
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| Choose wisely
"I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad--as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth--so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane--quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."
- Jane Eyre, by Bronte
This, and one other thought will have to do for now: At any moment, there are really only three things that you truly have - yourself, God, and the options available right now. Every moment is a starting point for getting where you want to go. Until you promise otherwise, the Choice, the Action and the Consequence belong to you and no one else.
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| As with everything I really want to keep and share, but don't want to share with EVERYBODY ON MY FACEBOOK, I'm posting the quote wall I have on my facebook profile. It's time for rebirth, there, as I move on from my first year at OCU.
But I don't want them to disappear, so I will deposit them here, in the safety of my Xanga.
Matthew:
"So, Erin, what are you doing tonight?"
Me, *unaware*
"Brad Nations! Quote: "stab your own bowl!"
*At red light in left turn lane*
"So we're going to turn here..."
Robin Levenson: *insistently*
"YES, but you're going to have to wait for the light!"
Roger: "In case of nuclear attack, maybe you could just spray yourself with spam!"
*minutes later*
Rebecca: "I hope you at least meant PAM and not SPAM!"
Katie: "It's not like a trumpet, it's more like a ... what do you call it? A toodler?"
Me: *playing with scarf fringe around face* "Do I look like a muppet?"
My Mom: "Put it under your chin. Now you look like... a really stupid person."
Samuel: "You know, a metaphysical enema?"
Me: "I suck at life."
*pause*
My dad: "Well, we all have something we suck at."
*Kelly points to spot on the floor* “95.”
*Katie and I go to look*
Me: “I think it says 56.”
Katie “Oh, I thought you meant if I ate that spot on the floor I would get 95 points.”
Me “HOW did you get that from ‘95?’”
Katie “’Cause…. I was playing… pacman.”
"I think Thoreau is just like Madonna." -Professor Davidson.
Kelly: "Yeah, my thoughts all have fat asses too."
Kelly (with plunger) "Yes, I sing Christmas carols while plunging! What?!"
Me "Balancing the chairs on my hips makes them easier to lift."
Brady: "You should just use your big guns, like me!"
Me "Umm, Brady..." *I flex*
Alex "Hey, Brady, her guns are bigger than yours!"
Brady "... Mine are more defined!"
*katie spews*
"You're lucky I made it to the sink!"
Kelly: "That's what... no, that's not what she said..."
Callie: "You can't eat Jesus with tomato soup!'
Katie “I have to go to the bathroom”
Me: “I think you should”
Katie: What are you, my bladder?
Me. “Yes… NO!”
Me: “Awkward bladder!”
Kelly “Your FACE is an awkward bladder.”
Katie (from inside the bathroom) “I don’t even know what that would look like.”
*much laughter*
Kelly: “Not very pretty.”
"But I live with too many boys! So they're like 'shoot this.' 'Okay!'" -Sonja
"My "Jellicle Ball" keeps messing up!" ~ Miller Tai
"Mcmahon, fo' sho! I could never be black. There's that one small problem of my epidural... I mean, epidermis." -Katie R.
"So we drove by some really nice houses, and now we plan to flirt around the law school!" ~Sonja
"Brian, I keep wanting to call you Brad!" - Me
Brad: *silence*
"I don't think your husband can seduce you!" -Sonja
"I love you and I wanted you to know that if you want to become a double major I would encourage you to eat worms and beat your head against a wall until the feeling goes away." -my dad
"Oh Mylanta!" -Katie R.
"Bullshark!" -Katie R.
"Bullshimmy!" -Katie R.
"Fork you!" -Katie R.
*fire alarm goes off at 3 AM*
Me, mostly asleep: "It's okay, Katie will fix it..."
"No, you're not a retarded dragon..." -Johnny B.
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| Well, hello.
Hello, Xanga. Hello past entries.
I wonder how much I have changed since my last entry, even. Much less since the beginning of this school year.
I know I've learned a lot... that feels like the elementary school answer, but it's true.
For one thing, there are friends I have now who are so much of a part of my heart at this moment, that I can't imagine every being apart. But I know that is a familiar feeling... somewhat unfortunately misleading. I need only think about the end of last summer for that.
There are also certain lessons I would rather have not learned: more about the inconstancy of certain people, ignorance, hatred, meaninglessness, and other emo emotions. And the specific instances of that are hardly internet-appropriate.
I've also been learning about sleep deprivation! And xanga-deprivation.
My heart is spread out over Texas and Oklahoma. I don't mind the straddle now, but I fear for graduation, now. It might spread like a starburst, then.
Oh. And I've also gotten a better education, and become better at my major, which is acting! (And theatre things in general!) Good thing, 'cause it's expensive!
What this school year has meant the most to me is best expressed here.
I'll make the sizes more consistent later.
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