Eating icechips and reading post secret is like my one true love, just the idea that someone else is sharing their life with you.  How did I get so privileged and how do I transfer that into my own life.  How do I make people want to share all their joys and failures with me, I think it would take my participation.  I think it would take more of me than I am normally willing to give, i'm ready to try though.  I hate being on the outside not because I want to be inside but because I want people to know that I will always be there for them.

    News kills.  Sometimes news is good, sometimes you can handle it, sometimes it chills you to the bone.  I wonder how I'm supposed to feel.  My tongue hurts, I think I cut the back of it and I don't know how to help it heal.  Every time I speak I can feel it tearing again and it generally aches.  Ailments are just rediculous because you don't know if you should go get them checked out or just live with the small annoyence they cause in every day life. 

    No one is going to cover my shift for the Kanye West concert.  I have two options.  Option 1 : Go to Kanye and get fired from my job.  Option 2: Go to work miss the best concert of the year and let Larry down, keep shitty job.  Wow this is going to be an intersting Thursday.  I think I also need to take a moment to thank my friends.  They are always there for me.  Its amazing how much I take them for granted.  I often forget that life is not all about me sometimes its about others and sometimes I need to be thankful for what I have been given.  Now that I'm over that lets move on to something else. 

   Lets talk about how in fashion protein is, or how fat people can get, or naked men who run around in towels, maybe the topic of the day should be the fact that its almost 95 degrees out, or that your heart muscles can hurt just as much as every other muscle when people stretch and strain for your love or you do to give them love.  The world is filled with many amazing topics so why do I feel so empty and blank maybe even spiteful towards the topics of the world.  Just the thought of writing when I feel this way makes me sick.  Sick with anger? No sick with pleasure at the idea that I might be able to explore another side of myself, a side that isn't determined by my preset topics or anyone elses general intrests.  Its the intangible that keeps me going. 

Today we cleaned, I thought I would have an opportunity to give him a gift in the future of all of his stuff in shadow boxes with cute quotes and shit.  I guess not.  Its okay though his mother will make him something special she's definately the creative one.  I wonder often how people think of me.  What do you think? How do people view you?  I'm not creative so no one would be like, "oh that's alyssa! She's so thoughtful."  I'm not nice, or smart, or interesting, or anything redeemable.  It confuses the shit out of me.  I look around and all I can think is how H. Is so talented in his dance and so smart with his classes, or how L. Is the best debater I know, who always sticks up for his friends, or how F never brags about how organized and cleanly he is not to mention his humor.  I'm at a loss ....he just walked by, with her.  I wish I still brought that smile to his face.  I'm not that person anymore, neither is she really he's just growing up and becoming independent.

    Back to the original topic! How do people think of you...and how do you find out, or do you even want to find out? I'm sure if you are virginous and pious its not so bad, but what if you are a terrible and unforgiving person who often loses friends.  I'm not complaining about my life, but sometimes I just want an outsiders perspective on who I am.  Do I deal with situations in strange ways that ruin the way people think of me?  I'm sure I do.  I stare off into the abyss and all I can think is, "Is this it, is this the extent of my life?"  What do I have to offer.  I guess its the question of life. 

    I couldn't go to the gym today.  I didn't get to go hiking yesterday.  He doesn't smile in my presence, and things get tense.  I want to talk but I don't know where to begin.  I don't know when things changed.  I miss him the way it used to be before he left, but it hasn't changed.  Not a lot.  I need to get over it lol.  I need to be thankful for every second I have with him and remember to smile rediculously much.  I am so happy on the inside so why do I feel like crying?  Lets talk about something else like, kiss your bills goodbye. 

    What do I do? How do I complete my goals by 28? I did the math, I need a superior job.  I need to make 200,000 by 28 so I can give the ones I love what they deserve.  So kiss your bills goodbye sounds pretty good could they pay off a Range Rover is what I would love to know.  It almost makes me laugh the idea of my future.  I have a few goals in mind.  Would you like to hear? You don't really have a choice but if you did I'm sure you'd make the correct one in supporting all my future decisions and goals!

1. I really want to devote my life to God, maybe in my own way to say thank you for what he's done.

2. Pay my parents 100,000 dollars to show them that my life was not a waste and to pay them for all they have given me. 

3. Buy John a Range Rover in beautiful Coal and Brushed steel, I looked it up, its $94,000 with all the upgrades.

4. Make someone happy.  Even if its a stranger I just want to brighten their day.

5. I want to travel in my 28th year before it ends.  I want to wake up somewhere exotic and smile knowing that I could do it, that I love it, and that I have the most amazing life. 

How do handicapped people do it? How do blind or homeless people do it? I have everything and still I fail, faith keeps me going.  He and they keep me going.  Lets tune out to LFO.  Adios.

     There are few things in this world that truly make you stop and look around you.  It is as if the world has frozen and you and this alternate thing, object, or significant person are on one level plane looking down upon this world that you are not a part of.  Isolation is good as long as you know that you and this object are moving as one, being separated from the world can be good and yet you are alone.  When two things orbit together on a seperate plane sometimes they attract and sometimes they repel.  The longer he leaves me the harder it is to get back to that orbit.  I do not mind that he has grown into a strange independence I honestly believe that it is him not needing anyone but himself which is only bad if he needed you before and you are obsolete now. 

     I used to be the independent one, I never let anyone in and I never got close.  It was easy to keep up appearances and block people from my life.  He walked in, took over and opened my heart.  It was fine at first we both acted like we didn't need eachother and pushed eachother away and then we came closer, almost suffocating and loving every minute of it.  The guilt wretches through my body at this exact moment wringing me of all purity I might have had left.  Why does the world have to be so fucking complicated.  I pressured him to eat out, party, and lose sight of his future.  Or gain sight of what he really wanted.  He left.  I can't see it that way I need to stop saying he left.  He didn't leave he ascended toward his future to save his own life.  He was dying here with me.  I was angry through basic training, then I was happy, then I was realizing how hurt I was.  I never truly admitted what his leaving did to me.  My heart hurts.  Not like love, or like loss, but wonderment, my heart hurts wondering what would have happened if we had not met, would he be a better person for it?

      When we are apart all we talk about is how we long to be near each other.  When we are together we don't talk.  Complication arose.  I'm so different from him, he thinks that once he has the job, the car, the money and the boyfriend, he will be happy.  I'll never be enough.  I need to come to terms with that.  Its kinda funny I need nothing in life but knowing how much I love other people around me and how lucky I am to have them in my world.  I'm feeling heartache from someone who isn't a future lover, who isn't family, and who could never see me as enough.  I definately don't feel like enough and I know he needs love and sex and trust.  My question is, why don't I?  I don't know what hurts the most...knowing he's giving all his smiles to others and having fun, or that I know that I'm going to fuck it up and try to push him away. 

     Its like this tick I have.  Whenever I'm too close I push people away.  We passed that and I thought I would be okay because we are going to be friends forever and I honestly believe that we will be, here I am though at that cross roads.  I need him.  He needs nothing.  We share no common goals.  I can't go a minute without wondering if he's okay, I have never been like this.  I'm going to puke.  Everything is wrong.  I should be so happy he's home, I should be dying to be around him but I remember there are other people that want to see him.  PEOPLE WHO DON'T CALL OR WRITE OR CARE ANY OTHER TIME THEN WHEN ITS CONVINIENT FOR THEM! People who have never put any effort into another person claim time with him.  I know he needs it, I'd get sick of me too.  I want to be the one that picks him up from the airport the one that drops him off.  I'm sad.  The best part about this whole hormonal mess is that I'm in school to be a psychologist.  

     Talk about fucking ironic.  My whole body is covered in shivers at my shame of my future.  I would be better off dead.  I add nothing to anyone's life.  And I don't know what scares me more, knowing that last statment is true, or knowing how far I will go to change people's opinions about me.  Why do I care so much? I shouldn't.  Fuck them.  I can't live without him.  So I can't live.  My mother hates me enough, my father doesn't give a shit, the only reason I don't kill myself is that if I died now I could never pay my parents back for all they've done throughout the years.  I would never want to be a waste or a burden.  So I'm going to graduate, get a job, save money, and pay them for twenty years of life.  Then I'll die.  I only owe them.  I'll make him an amazing goodbye gift though.  Tops I have eight more years to do this.  At 28 I'm gone.  I will pay them, walk him down the isle, or at least watch from another seat, and devote myself to something better than I, God.