"She lacerated me, exposing me piece by piece
She saw a weakness in me, and used it against me
She lacerated me"

Sometimes you can't tear yourself apart enough, and so you look for other people to do it for you.

You can only go so deep before you realize you have the choice to throw everything away or stop doing it. Sometimes the pleasure isn't found before you have to make the decision.
Sometimes it's just not ever deep enough.

Odd...

My Daily Reflections

One thought that popped into my mind during a discussion with Brent was about anger. I have depended on anger since I was young. Being angry was a way for me to deal with the world, appear strong, and play the victim (of anything). A lot of people get angry, and it only does damage. Anger has blocked my vision on what life is supposed to be for myself. I've used anger to "make it through" life, when all along I should be experiencing life, learning from life, and growing into myself and who I want to become.

Anger stems from fear. If I'm afraid he'll leave me, I'll get angry when he comes home later than expected. If someone says I'm ugly, I'll get mad because I fear that everyone believes that. When I'm mad at my dad for yelling at my mom, I'm really just scared that I'll be in that same sort of relationship some day. Anger and fear leave little room for love. Controlling relationships are not based on love, but they are based on fear. He's not controlling his girlfriend because he loves her, he's controlling her because he's afraid that someday she might leave and then he won't get his love that he selfishly needs. He's not thinking about how being controlling will make their relationship better, he's thinking about how it will make sure that he gets his affection. People are addicted to love, and it makes people control their partner so that he/she cannot leave...because then the person would go through withdrawal from their love addiction. Rarely are relationships based on real love. Love is accepting the other person, being happy with the other person, not wanting to change the other person, and NOT putting their happiness in the other person's hands. We have to learn to be happy on our own before we can be truly happy with a partner. Or else we are using our partner to make us happy...we're depending on our partner to make us happy, and once we do that we're doomed. Because we're all different and have different goals. Our partner will at some point break our happiness, because everyone has different ideas of what the right thing to do is. And we can't be angry at our partner for having different ideas than ours. We can not give our partner our happiness and depend on him/her to keep it alive. We have to be happy on our own. Only then can we experience true love. True love is filled with no expectations, no anger, and complete understanding (but not necessarily agreeing).

Learn to love yourself and how to be happy on your own. Then you will meet someone who is happy on their own and loves their self, and you two can be happy together and not depend on the other person, which means you won't let each other down, which means you can truly enjoy each other, and maybe even truly love each other.

End?

“The First True Breath”

Lying awake I take a breath and realize
That it's been centuries since I last lived.
I've opened my eyes to see the clear view
Of a life so vivid and fresh
Which I once saw as a long sufferance.
I sense the warmth of daylight
Which I so intently ignored for years.
And I notice that everything I'm feeling
I once believed was a cliché.

I was enslaved by you,
Hypnotized to depend on your touch.
You hid content behind you shine,
Roping me in to desire only you.
And I did. For years I forgot pain,
But along with it I left behind happiness.
Convincing me not to feel,
I followed your mind games.
Throughout it all you shadowed my heart
And obscured my sense of self.
It was for forever, but I broke your trance
To open my eyes, to smile, to feel.
Today I finally breathed,
And I know I'm alive again.

Who would have thought
That there was life beyond you?