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| cour·age
–noun | 1. | the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. |
| 2. | Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion. |
the ironic thing about the first part of that definition is that the more fear i feel, the more i'm determined to be courageous. it isn't the lack of fear that moves me to act, but rather the fact that i'm so overcome with fear my feet feel 100 pounds heavier than they actually are. success in moving forward through fear produces a satisfaction beyond compare.
i'm standing in a big mess of scared and uncertain emotions lately. and it's not a fear of where i'll be, or what i'll do, or who i'll meet. it's a fear of the absence of a few of my favorite people. in my opinion these are some of the best people on this earth. they keep me sane, entertained, frustrated, laughing, crying, cursing, and blessed.
and while distance never has to be an ending to relationships, it's definitely an altering factor.
for once in this whole process my mind is only focused on the future of these relationships, and i realize that this is the only part i don't have a vision of. because people are unpredictable (myself included) i can't imagine what these relationships will look like a year from now. this is the only area of my life lacking a goal at this point, and as messed up as that may seem, it's a thrilling and terrifying feeling that moves me to push ahead. its a fear of loss, and more painful change, and of disappointment, and missing out on milestones, and even though these thoughts are choking me and bringing tears, i know i'm doing what i'm supposed to do and from my path i cannot stray.
i love my friends. i will miss them more than i can anticipate. and i know that if they're all as large a part of my life within 12 months as they are at this moment, i'll be better because of it, and hopefully they will be too.
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| best entry ever?
i know someone who might make fun of me for this, but i'm once again linking a celebrity blog.
criticize if you like, but this is something i think about a lot and totally wish i had the eloquence to write myself.
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| hold on tight to your dreams...a (long) story with a big point!
when i was a little girl i idolized my sister. with nineteen and a half years between us, people always thought i was her daughter. she was like the "fun" mom whenever she was around because she let me listen to Madonna, and jump on her bed, and get messy with the paint, all much to my mother's chagrin.
she also had a fascinating job; she was a flight attendant!
although traumatic for me since i bawled every time we took her to the airport after a visit, i thought that was the coolest thing anyone could possibly do for a living. she was flying all over the world and coming back with souvenirs from Asia, Mexico and Europe and amazing stories of the people she saw there. she was even honored to be part of a crew that picked up and flew troops home from the Persian Gulf which included a ride in a real tanker!
i had a little airport and airplane i played with as a very young girl. it included a pilot and flight attendant dolls and i pretended they were visiting all the exciting places that my sister told me about. even though i didn't have my first plane ride until i was about eleven, at a very young age i began dreaming of someday being able "fly the friendly skies" as my job (remember those united commercials? i loved them!)
but by the time i was 7 my first niece was born and my sister was done with that career. i stopped playing with my plane and the dolls, and life went on.
when i graduated high school i tried the college thing, but soon found out college was not where i was meant to be, so i worked full time for the next few years where i met my coworker...we'll call her Lucy. i sat down to Lucy's computer one day when she was away from her desk and noticed she had the southwest airlines employment page up. she sheepishly explained it was a dream of her's to become a flight attendant and i grabbed her and said "no way! mine too!"
we both agreed we'd be great at it, and for the next few months we kept a close eye on that website to see if they were hiring.
but we both ended up leaving that job (not to be flight attendants obviously!), and i moved back in with my parents with plans of giving college a second try.
i began pursuing one of my other dream careers and education for it, only to discover i could not receive the financing i needed. after that HUGE letdown i remembered my sister-in-law's sister (got that?) Ashley, who worked for a small regional airline as a flight attendant and loved it. i got in touch with her and found that the airline was hiring. i got excited thinking that this was something that might work out! after carefully putting together a new resume i planned to attend an open house interview. but my nerves and the fact that i was dating someone who i didn't want to move away from, kept me home the day of the interview. i decided i would just work until i had enough money to get the education i really needed. i was upset at myself for giving up so easily, but school, work and relationships kept me occupied for the time being, and i entered a general state of complacency about my future.
then, sometime this past fall i received an email from a former coworker informing me that Lucy was about to graduate from flight attendant training. i was so ecstatic for her that i called her that very day to congratulate her. during our conversation she begged me to pursue this dream of mine and after listening to her talk about how much she loved this new career, i knew i'd been putting it off too long. there had been some recent changes in my life and i realized that the only thing holding me back from becoming a flight attendant was myself.
i immediately called my sister for a pep talk; she's always backed my wild and crazy ideas. her answer was, "this is a no-brainer, you HAVE to go for it! and maybe i will too."
and so began the pursuit of my (our) dream job. i learned how to write cover letters, i figured out how to answer the most ridiculous hypothetical application questions, and i filled out about 20 applications for every airline you've never even heard of. it got really intense in late december and early january as my sister and i interviewed with a company and were not accepted. we felt knocked down and discouraged. the company was the one Ashley had been employed with and my first pick of companies, but we decided that was not the final word. i made a chart of all the airlines i wanted to work for, kept track of applications/resumes submitted and made a daily goal of applying or following up with one of the companies on my list. i've honestly never wanted so badly or tried so hard for anything in my life!
i even drove 3 and a half hours to an interview after my time in the ER; nothing was going to stop me from getting this job!
after getting a job with a company that wouldn't even interview me, my sister left for training the beginning of february, and i held tightly to hope of one last open house interview i knew was coming up.
the weekend of the interview i was 3 and a half hours away from home taking care of my sister's house and pets when a major winter storm blew through the entire midwest. after driving through the snow, i made it home at 8:00 the night before the interview (another 2 and a half hour drive away) and i told my parents that i could not miss this interview and live with myself. i truly felt this was my last chance for a while.* so despite the terrible weather, and the fact that i didn't even have a hotel room reserved for the night, i ventured into the suburbs of chicago by myself with mom and dad's blessing.
upon arrival i discovered that i didn't have my credit card and had no way of obtaining a hotel room for the night. as i sat in my car feeling completely dejected i couldn't even find tears to cry out my anger and frustration. i began praying, asking God to please(!) provide a way for this to work out so i could be at the interview by 9:30 the next morning. deep inside i was feeling there was a reason all these terrible things were happening right before interviews, and maybe in my pursuit of this dream, i was missing the message that this wasn't something i was meant to do with my life.
a few hours and a dozen phone calls to my mother and the credit card company later, i finally had a hotel room! as i laid in the gimormous king bed early that morning, i told God how grateful i was that i could at least have the opportunity to interview, but that i was putting it in His hands now. if this was going to work out, or not, i was going to trust His leading instead of my own winter-weather driving skills, success in meeting goals, or ability to make a good impression.
i woke up that morning feeling so empowered and confident, but also a sense of relief that things just weren't only on me now. for the first time in the whole process i wasn't alone because i chose not to be.
one cool thing about these interviews is that you get to meet a lot of diverse people, and you get to hear their amazing stories since everyone stands up and shares why they want to become a flight attendant. i made a couple of new friends that i hung out with the entire day as we waited for our one-on-one interview. finally after 4 and a half hours of waiting my turn came. i was called in by the (scary!) lady who was head of HR of the entire company. surprisingly, she turned out to be my biggest cheerleader. i honestly wonder if she had not been my interviewer if i would've done so well. never before had someone seen so much potential in me and let me know it.
i floated out of that conference room with my head in the clouds, and proceeded to wait for the next 16 very long days to hear the outcome.
sooooo...you're reading the blog of a (almost) flight attendant trainee! only after i pass every training test with an A will i officially be offered the job! i was supposed to leave for training last week, but i was moved to the next class, so i start in a couple of weeks.
not one bit of me is scared to embark on this new chapter in my life. i feel like it's going to be a great opportunity for all kinds of things i can imagine and some things that i can't. so the point of this long story is this: even if you have just a tiny little spark of a dream, you can make it happen.
dreams and goals are only as real as the effort you put into making them come to pass, but i also believe that God wants us all to find fulfillment in our dreams, and through His divine direction is the only way that can happen.
*once you've applied or interviewed with an airline and they don't hire you, you're required to wait 6 months before reapplying.
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| work, schmerck.as i've alluded to before, i work at a bridal shop.
i started last summer with high hopes of it being a really fun job. but within the first week i hated it...and continued to hate it until about, oh, 2 months ago.
last october i started talking about moving away just to move, but my coworkers kept telling (begging) me to stay until at least after the "busy" season. and i just kept thinking "no thanks! that doesn't sound like any fun to me." i think because they've been working there so long they forgot how terrible it is in the beginning. every work day was slow, i hardly had any of my own customers, and i felt like i never knew exactly how to answer questions and handle my paperwork. it was totally overwhelming for a long time.
we are paid hourly, but receive commissions, and large bonuses if we meet sales goals.
i used to come home from work everyday completely frustrated b/c i wasn't getting any commissions. i think the first 6 months i was there i maybe got commissions for a dozen things. it was totally discouraging watching everyone else help with entire wedding parties and not having one single bride to work with all the way through her wedding.
more than 50% of the company's yearly profit is made december-may because of prom and plans for summer weddings. the truckloads of prom dresses started coming in december, and the busy season was in full force by mid january. the days were less often long and boring, and sales in general picked up alot. i hadn't believed everyone when they talked about how crazy prom season is, but it's most of what i live and breathe lately and it's kind of surreal.
i could go on and on about what's popular, how completely ugly 80% of the dresses are and how ridiculously expensive these ugly things are but to be completely honest, it's really fun to help a girl find the dress she loves for her prom.
even though i know in a few years she'll probably look back and laugh at the pictures, who she went with, and how much money she spent, the look of joy and excitement on these girls faces is a really fun thing to be a part of.
my last paycheck had $150 worth of commissions and bonuses on it, which was the most motivating thing that has ever happened to me in this job. today i only worked a half day, and in my first hour and a half on the job i sold 3 dresses. today was a really good day.  i kinda like this job now...and i'm only going to be there another month, but that's another post for another time...
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in every big decision i've made, in every new adventure i've embarked upon, i've always approached the situation with a very open mind and heart, or so i thought. i usually make a list of pros and cons when i'm trying to make a decision, or looking ahead to something that has potential to turn into something larger than it first seems. typically the pros outweigh the cons. i can't recall one situation where the con list has been longer.
this is probably because every decision i've made has benefited me. there's always something in it for me; thus the longer pro list.
mostly i enter new opportunities with an attitude of someone willing to learn and be changed. i often say "well what do i have to lose?" and i quickly find that a little pride, and a lot of sleep are worth the loss, even if it doesn't seem that way in the moment. in my mind, facing new challenges and growing in character is a huge pro, even if that means pain along the way.
the other thing about discovering these new opportunities is that i've usually had a large amount of control in the situation. when i was a teenager i figured out that my life is all about the choices that i make, and i am therefore responsible for much of the outcome of my entire life. so maintaining a control over choices and circumstances in my life has always been extremely important to me.
but my latest venture has been testing me, and it hasn't technically begun yet. for the first time i feel completely out of control, and its really stressing me out. on one hand i realize i chose this, i pursued it, then i committed to it, and now most of it is out of my hands.
i realize that God is probably testing me. i don't mean to sound like i'm completely self-sufficient, because my faith in Christ's ultimate purposes for my life and my reliance upon his strength, grace and mercy always play a big part in everything i do.
but it's a constant process that never gets easier, and swallowing my pride in this instance is quite a bit harder than it's been...at least for a while.
oh the growing pains...may they never cease!
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