Lyndsrenee's Xanga

pinch me please...OW!

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:13:21 GMT

lately i've been sitting back and viewing my life with complete shock and awe.
if someone would've asked me a year ago where i saw myself in june of oh-eight, i don't think i would've had an answer. i probably would've spouted off about how i hoped to be living on the west coast or pursuing one of my dream careers, but i wouldn't have actually believed that i could be somewhere different than my hometown, my parent's house, or a dead-end job. it's crazy where desperation can take a person. it was most definitely desperation that drove me to the place where i am, but i also believe that divine intervention provided the means of transportation.

everyday i drive over the bridge and see the city skyline and my heart skips a beat. it has been nearly 5 years since i've been in an unfamiliar place exploring a new city. but being in a totally different geographic for the first time in my life makes it so much more exhilarating. it will forever amaze me how people can be from the same nation and yet be vastly different across the miles.
i meet so many people everyday and am slowly making little connections. i'm also learning many new things everyday not only about this place and other people, but sometimes i'm just reminded of things about myself that need strengthening, and yet i daily discover new things that i had not yet realized about me which is pleasantly surprising and slightly discouraging at the same time.

i've been really terrible about taking pictures lately, which is sad b/c i've been to alot of cool places and i can't believe i have no photographs to show for it! i hope to someday (soon!) have my life put together and back to a place where i can focus enough to remember i actually have my camera with me.
because honestly, as much as i'm loving my job and my new life, i'm stressed 100% of the time with alot of uncertainty hanging over my head. everyday is a fabulous adventure, and i'm still trying to enjoy every moment, but who knew sleeping and eating would become things that i have to remind myself to do?
the list of things i need to "get back to doing" grows daily, and i'm not really seeing a light at the end of this tunnel...actually i do, it's hopefully called august which will come sooner than i realize. it just seems very far away today.

hmmm...randomness. but just an update to say that i'm still alive. and someday i'll once again be an active blogger who politely responds to other's posts and comments!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Wed, 21 May 2008 13:54:31 GMT

wow. it has been a long time!
i've thought about blogging a lot lately, i've just been too physically and emotionally exhausted to form creative and cohesive sentences.
in a months time i have gone through more than most people go through in a year's time. from meeting new friends, and saying goodbye to new and old friends, to spending every night in a strange city far away from home, to getting no sleep for days on end, and still having high expectations placed on your test and job performance under the most extreme circumstances. oh yeah....and having to move halfway across the country.

through all of this i've learned some lessons the hard way, making some really big mistakes along the way.
i've surprised myself consistently and definitely grown stronger in some ways, and still weaker in others.
but mostly i've just sat back and savored it all.
i was blessed upon my arrival at training to meet 4 amazing women who are my new best friends. i went into it expecting the situation to be a kind of "every man for himself" deal, and came out with lifelong friendships instead. which was pleasantly surprising.
i expect to spend the next six months (at least) waiting for my body to adjust to my crazy new career/lifestyle, which (by the way) i LOVE!

and even though i'm quite sick at the moment, i'm really looking forward too everything the future might bring. because it's all so unknown and potentially scary, but thrilling at the same time. i can see that if God has brought me this far in one piece, this is just the beginning of a very good thing.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:12:40 GMT

cour·age
–noun

1.	the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

2.	Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

the ironic thing about the first part of that definition is that the more fear i feel, the more i'm determined to be courageous. it isn't the lack of fear that moves me to act, but rather the fact that i'm so overcome with fear my feet feel 100 pounds heavier than they actually are. success in moving forward through fear produces a satisfaction beyond compare.
i'm standing in a big mess of scared and uncertain emotions lately. and it's not a fear of where i'll be, or what i'll do, or who i'll meet. it's a fear of the absence of a few of my favorite people. in my opinion these are some of the best people on this earth. they keep me sane, entertained, frustrated, laughing, crying, cursing, and blessed.
and while distance never has to be an ending to relationships, it's definitely an altering factor.
for once in this whole process my mind is only focused on the future of these relationships, and i realize that this is the only part i don't have a vision of. because people are unpredictable (myself included) i can't imagine what these relationships will look like a year from now. this is the only area of my life lacking a goal at this point, and as messed up as that may seem, it's a thrilling and terrifying feeling that moves me to push ahead. its a fear of loss, and more painful change, and of disappointment, and missing out on milestones, and even though these thoughts are choking me and bringing tears, i know i'm doing what i'm supposed to do and from my path i cannot stray.
i love my friends. i will miss them more than i can anticipate. and i know that if they're all as large a part of my life within 12 months as they are at this moment, i'll be better because of it, and hopefully they will be too.

best entry ever?

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:48:37 GMT

i know someone who might make fun of me for this, but i'm once again linking a celebrity blog.
criticize if you like, but this is something i think about a lot and totally wish i had the eloquence to write myself.

hold on tight to your dreams...

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 12:25:19 GMT

a (long) story with a big point!

when i was a little girl i idolized my sister. with nineteen and a half years between us, people always thought i was her daughter. she was like the "fun" mom whenever she was around because she let me listen to Madonna, and jump on her bed, and get messy with the paint, all much to my mother's chagrin.
she also had a fascinating job; she was a flight attendant!
although traumatic for me since i bawled every time we took her to the airport after a visit, i thought that was the coolest thing anyone could possibly do for a living. she was flying all over the world and coming back with souvenirs from Asia, Mexico and Europe and amazing stories of the people she saw there. she was even honored to be part of a crew that picked up and flew troops home from the Persian Gulf which included a ride in a real tanker!

i had a little airport and airplane i played with as a very young girl. it included a pilot and flight attendant dolls and i pretended they were visiting all the exciting places that my sister told me about. even though i didn't have my first plane ride until i was about eleven, at a very young age i began dreaming of someday being able "fly the friendly skies" as my job (remember those united commercials? i loved them!)
but by the time i was 7 my first niece was born and my sister was done with that career. i stopped playing with my plane and the dolls, and life went on.

when i graduated high school i tried the college thing, but soon found out college was not where i was meant to be, so i worked full time for the next few years where i met my coworker...we'll call her Lucy. i sat down to Lucy's computer one day when she was away from her desk and noticed she had the southwest airlines employment page up. she sheepishly explained it was a dream of her's to become a flight attendant and i grabbed her and said "no way! mine too!"
we both agreed we'd be great at it, and for the next few months we kept a close eye on that website to see if they were hiring.
but we both ended up leaving that job (not to be flight attendants obviously!), and i moved back in with my parents with plans of giving college a second try.
i began pursuing one of my other dream careers and education for it, only to discover i could not receive the financing i needed. after that HUGE letdown i remembered my sister-in-law's sister (got that?) Ashley, who worked for a small regional airline as a flight attendant and loved it. i got in touch with her and found that the airline was hiring. i got excited thinking that this was something that might work out! after carefully putting together a new resume i planned to attend an open house interview. but my nerves and the fact that i was dating someone who i didn't want to move away from, kept me home the day of the interview. i decided i would just work until i had enough money to get the education i really needed. i was upset at myself for giving up so easily, but school, work and relationships kept me occupied for the time being, and i entered a general state of complacency about my future.

then, sometime this past fall i received an email from a former coworker informing me that Lucy was about to graduate from flight attendant training. i was so ecstatic for her that i called her that very day to congratulate her. during our conversation she begged me to pursue this dream of mine and after listening to her talk about how much she loved this new career, i knew i'd been putting it off too long. there had been some recent changes in my life and i realized that the only thing holding me back from becoming a flight attendant was myself.
i immediately called my sister for a pep talk; she's always backed my wild and crazy ideas. her answer was, "this is a no-brainer, you HAVE to go for it! and maybe i will too."

and so began the pursuit of my (our) dream job. i learned how to write cover letters, i figured out how to answer the most ridiculous hypothetical application questions, and i filled out about 20 applications for every airline you've never even heard of. it got really intense in late december and early january as my sister and i interviewed with a company and were not accepted. we felt knocked down and discouraged. the company was the one Ashley had been employed with and my first pick of companies, but we decided that was not the final word. i made a chart of all the airlines i wanted to work for, kept track of applications/resumes submitted and made a daily goal of applying or following up with one of the companies on my list. i've honestly never wanted so badly or tried so hard for anything in my life!
i even drove 3 and a half hours to an interview after my time in the ER; nothing was going to stop me from getting this job!
after getting a job with a company that wouldn't even interview me, my sister left for training the beginning of february, and i held tightly to hope of one last open house interview i knew was coming up.

the weekend of the interview i was 3 and a half hours away from home taking care of my sister's house and pets when a major winter storm blew through the entire midwest. after driving through the snow, i made it home at 8:00 the night before the interview (another 2 and a half hour drive away) and i told my parents that i could not miss this interview and live with myself. i truly felt this was my last chance for a while.* so despite the terrible weather, and the fact that i didn't even have a hotel room reserved for the night, i ventured into the suburbs of chicago by myself with mom and dad's blessing.

upon arrival i discovered that i didn't have my credit card and had no way of obtaining a hotel room for the night. as i sat in my car feeling completely dejected i couldn't even find tears to cry out my anger and frustration. i began praying, asking God to please(!) provide a way for this to work out so i could be at the interview by 9:30 the next morning. deep inside i was feeling there was a reason all these terrible things were happening right before interviews, and maybe in my pursuit of this dream, i was missing the message that this wasn't something i was meant to do with my life.
a few hours and a dozen phone calls to my mother and the credit card company later, i finally had a hotel room! as i laid in the gimormous king bed early that morning, i told God how grateful i was that i could at least have the opportunity to interview, but that i was putting it in His hands now. if this was going to work out, or not, i was going to trust His leading instead of my own winter-weather driving skills, success in meeting goals, or ability to make a good impression.

i woke up that morning feeling so empowered and confident, but also a sense of relief that things just weren't only on me now. for the first time in the whole process i wasn't alone because i chose not to be.

one cool thing about these interviews is that you get to meet a lot of diverse people, and you get to hear their amazing stories since everyone stands up and shares why they want to become a flight attendant. i made a couple of new friends that i hung out with the entire day as we waited for our one-on-one interview. finally after 4 and a half hours of waiting my turn came. i was called in by the (scary!) lady who was head of HR of the entire company. surprisingly, she turned out to be my biggest cheerleader. i honestly wonder if she had not been my interviewer if i would've done so well. never before had someone seen so much potential in me and let me know it.
i floated out of that conference room with my head in the clouds, and proceeded to wait for the next 16 very long days to hear the outcome.
sooooo...you're reading the blog of a (almost) flight attendant trainee! only after i pass every training test with an A will i officially be offered the job! i was supposed to leave for training last week, but i was moved to the next class, so i start in a couple of weeks.

not one bit of me is scared to embark on this new chapter in my life. i feel like it's going to be a great opportunity for all kinds of things i can imagine and some things that i can't. so the point of this long story is this: even if you have just a tiny little spark of a dream, you can make it happen.
dreams and goals are only as real as the effort you put into making them come to pass, but i also believe that God wants us all to find fulfillment in our dreams, and through His divine direction is the only way that can happen.

*once you've applied or interviewed with an airline and they don't hire you, you're required to wait 6 months before reapplying.

work, schmerck.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:56:08 GMT

as i've alluded to before, i work at a bridal shop.
i started last summer with high hopes of it being a really fun job. but within the first week i hated it...and continued to hate it until about, oh, 2 months ago.
last october i started talking about moving away just to move, but my coworkers kept telling (begging) me to stay until at least after the "busy" season. and i just kept thinking "no thanks! that doesn't sound like any fun to me." i think because they've been working there so long they forgot how terrible it is in the beginning. every work day was slow, i hardly had any of my own customers, and i felt like i never knew exactly how to answer questions and handle my paperwork. it was totally overwhelming for a long time.
we are paid hourly, but receive commissions, and large bonuses if we meet sales goals.
i used to come home from work everyday completely frustrated b/c i wasn't getting any commissions. i think the first 6 months i was there i maybe got commissions for a dozen things. it was totally discouraging watching everyone else help with entire wedding parties and not having one single bride to work with all the way through her wedding.

more than 50% of the company's yearly profit is made december-may because of prom and plans for summer weddings. the truckloads of prom dresses started coming in december, and the busy season was in full force by mid january. the days were less often long and boring, and sales in general picked up alot. i hadn't believed everyone when they talked about how crazy prom season is, but it's most of what i live and breathe lately and it's kind of surreal.
i could go on and on about what's popular, how completely ugly 80% of the dresses are and how ridiculously expensive these ugly things are but to be completely honest, it's really fun to help a girl find the dress she loves for her prom.
even though i know in a few years she'll probably look back and laugh at the pictures, who she went with, and how much money she spent, the look of joy and excitement on these girls faces is a really fun thing to be a part of.

my last paycheck had $150 worth of commissions and bonuses on it, which was the most motivating thing that has ever happened to me in this job. today i only worked a half day, and in my first hour and a half on the job i sold 3 dresses. today was a really good day. i kinda like this job now...and i'm only going to be there another month, but that's another post for another time...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 23:42:04 GMT

in every big decision i've made, in every new adventure i've embarked upon, i've always approached the situation with a very open mind and heart, or so i thought. i usually make a list of pros and cons when i'm trying to make a decision, or looking ahead to something that has potential to turn into something larger than it first seems. typically the pros outweigh the cons. i can't recall one situation where the con list has been longer.
this is probably because every decision i've made has benefited me. there's always something in it for me; thus the longer pro list.
mostly i enter new opportunities with an attitude of someone willing to learn and be changed. i often say "well what do i have to lose?" and i quickly find that a little pride, and a lot of sleep are worth the loss, even if it doesn't seem that way in the moment. in my mind, facing new challenges and growing in character is a huge pro, even if that means pain along the way.
the other thing about discovering these new opportunities is that i've usually had a large amount of control in the situation. when i was a teenager i figured out that my life is all about the choices that i make, and i am therefore responsible for much of the outcome of my entire life. so maintaining a control over choices and circumstances in my life has always been extremely important to me.

but my latest venture has been testing me, and it hasn't technically begun yet. for the first time i feel completely out of control, and its really stressing me out. on one hand i realize i chose this, i pursued it, then i committed to it, and now most of it is out of my hands.
i realize that God is probably testing me. i don't mean to sound like i'm completely self-sufficient, because my faith in Christ's ultimate purposes for my life and my reliance upon his strength, grace and mercy always play a big part in everything i do.

but it's a constant process that never gets easier, and swallowing my pride in this instance is quite a bit harder than it's been...at least for a while.

oh the growing pains...may they never cease!

okeey...

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 23:46:08 GMT

it's officially not at all funny anymore.
my air-headedness got me into a car accident today.
estimation of the damage will be done tomorrow, and i know i won't be able to afford fixing it.
initial investigations seem to reveal that the damage is not much more than cosmetic. but trust me, it's really ugly.

i have truly never felt like such an idiot so frequently in my life.
i've decided i really need to start getting more sleep, and worrying less about other stuff in my life, and focusing intently on the task at hand.
i simply can't afford any more mistakes.

grrrrrrr!!!!!

I could wile away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers, consultin' with the rain....

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:54:02 GMT

...IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN!

at the risk of opening myself up for lots of ridicule, i'm admitting to the fact that i have been so distracted lately i have had a few of the most "blonde" moments of my life.

case in point #1: i have only locked my keys in my car about two times. the very first time i ever locked keys in a car i was heading out of town with my parents car and had stopped to get gas when just as i watched the door shut, i realized the keys were laying on the seat of the car. after that my dad put magnetic key holders under our cars so we would never have that problem again. i may have locked the keys in one other time, but i don't really recall how that happened.
i very frequently intentionally lock my keys in my car when i start it to warm it up in the winter, but i always have a spare in my pocket. i'm really paranoid about the whereabouts of this spare key and i've never lost it or been without it when i needed it. until a couple of weeks ago when, i left the keys in the ignition and got out to put gas in the car. though this time i was three and a half hours away from home, and like an idiot i didn't have my spare key in my pocket, and the dog was in the car, and when i crawled under the (extremely muddy) car to find the hidden spare, only half of the holder was there, without a key.
boy did i feel stupid, and really frustrated. God was good to me though, as the police came immediately and unlocked it for free, and the very compassionate gas station attendant comforted me in my sobbing moment of panic.

case in point #2: a couple of weeks ago i drove into chicago for a job interview. it was late at night when i arrived at a hotel where i didn't have a reservation. thankfully, there were two rooms available, and when the desk guy asked for a form of i.d. and a credit card, i nearly threw up upon discovering my credit card was not with me. it was in my other coat pocket at home. i was cursing whatever stupid brain cell caused me to leave the credit card i never use in a coat pocket.

case in point #3: once a month i clean my grandma's house for her. its really just an excuse for her to give me money as her house is tiny, and she completely overpays me. for a week i'd been telling her i'd be there on friday to clean. but friday came, and i woke up feeling that, "there's something i need to do i just can't think of what it is" feeling. two and a half hours later, a phone call from grandma made me feel the greatest amount of guilt and stupidity ever! so i hurried to get ready to go and then while driving to her house i completely forgot where i was going and got halfway to work before i realized i was headed in the wrong direction. duh.

and last but not least, case in point # 4: this ones tops them all. just last night i was driving home from DSM on the interstate. it was late, it had been a long, exhausting day, and i was doing my best to stay alert and awake. i suddenly realize i can't tell how fast i'm going because my dashboard lights are gone, and wait...why aren't my headlights working? so after pulling off at the next exit and calling my mom, i am seriously baffled as to why my headlights would suddenly go off. here i am only an hour away from home, and i'm going to have to sit and wait for my mom to come pick me up! i pull away from the streetlights and think that i see my headlights shining in the dark (dash lights still not working), so i pull back onto the interstate and continue on my merry way. not ten seconds later a semi is flashing his lights at me so i take that as a warning sign and turn on my flashers as i start to pull over at the exact same time a state trooper pulls up behind me.
while the dog growls ferociously at the very nice state trooper the following conversation ensues, ST: "ma'am do you realize your headlights are out?"
me: "yeah, it just happened and i'm not sure why."
st: "where are you headed?"
me: "not too much further, just home to c-town."
st: < walks to front of car to look at headlights > are you headed to iowa?
me: < wondering if this is a trick question since we're in iowa > "um, yes?"
st: "well it looks like your headlights are off"
me: "uh, yeah < again, very confused > i know they're off"
st: "no, i mean the switch is in the off position on the left side of your steering wheel."
me: "what? < looks at switch > oh my gosh."
st: "try turning it to on"
< lights turn on >
me: "oh my gosh. they're automatic so they've always been on. i swear i've never had to manually turn them on before."
st: "i need to see your driver's license and proof of insurance"
me: "wow i feel really stupid now"
st: *chuckles* "i'll be right back"

so all i got out of the deal was my first-ever written warning. and hopefully i gave that trooper a good laugh for the night.
but the rest of the way home i couldn't help but wonder what has happened to my brain lately. i just feel like part of it is missing and i'm starting to worry myself. thankfully i've seen the hand of God protecting me through all my stupid and forgetful moments, so i know i can depend on His faithfulness, but as for my faith in myself? there's not a lot left.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 20:07:50 GMT

there hasn't been much happening lately, but it's funny how a lot of little things add up to big results.
being a bit of a recluse in the past few weeks, i've been doing a lot of reading, a teensy bit of tv and movie watching, and even less hanging out with people.
i received some long-awaited answers about my future, and i suddenly feel like myself again.
it's amazing how things bring me down without me even realizing it.

my sister's pup has been staying with me.
she's so sweet that she changed my mother's mind about having a dog.
which is good since she'll be here indefinitely!
Betty Boop is my buddy