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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

To Catch Up...

Hey everyone!
I am so sorry -- I know I'm never here anymore! I always have the excuse that I'm so busy... But the truth is, I really AM! And I know, everyone's busy, but I just get so exhausted and don't have the energy to write an entry. When I DO write, I like to write in my personal journal just because it's more of a keep-sake kind of thing... I like the idea that one day someone will find all of my old journals in my handwriting and I'll be famous for them. (Hahaha.)
Just to catch up... I'm back at school (hence the busy-ness), working 2 jobs and taking 15 hours. Two of my 3 credit classes are 3 hours each two days of the week! So Monday through Thursday I'm taking studio art classes from 1-4. Let me tell you -- it's exhuasting.
But on a good note, I really love my fitness instructor job. I got to lead the warm-up and cooldown for the first time last night, and it was so much fun! The instructor teaching the class said I did really well, and the only thing she could even think of to tell me to work on was having stronger arm movements. So I took that as a really big compliment, and I love it a lot!
I'm getting a little sick of school, and I recently pulled a muscle in my leg so I haven't been able to run and do as much as normal, but I worked on the eliptical tonight for about 40 minutes, and I ran for teh first time yesterday in about four days to "Adiemus" by Enya. (Best song to run to ever, by the way.) So that felt really nice.
Weight-wise, I'm still not anywhere near where I want to be. I weigh the most that I have in about 4 years, which is really embarrassing for me and not at all satisfying. But I seem to be obsessed with food, and I never want to stop eating. I never want to waste it and it's my only real mode of relaxation. I really need to work on that. Does anyone have any tips on what they do to relax after a really stressful, busy day when you have to share a room with someone who either a. constantly has the TV on, or b. always has people over? If so, that would be really helpful! I decided to try to learn how to knit for this purpose, but I only have an instructional booklet and it's kind of complicated to read the diagrams.
Alright, well I just wanted to update really quick so the people I do occasionally comment know that I'm still here! Hopefully I'll catch some time and be able to write again soon!

Friday, January 12, 2007

A Thought...

Ugh... I am so bored with my life... I go back to school tomorrow morning and I haven't finished packing, but I hate it.
All I really want to do is spend time with my boyfriend, who is off hanging out with his brother, since he is leaving for school, too.
I am way too attached to him. When he's not around, I get so lonely and bored. I never used to get so attached. He's the only person I've ever told about my eating habits. I feel like I can trust him completely. And while it's wonderful... It also makes me want to be with him all of the time, causing me to neglect responsibilities, friends, and myself. I don't have any hobbies any more. I don't enjoy the things I used to.
And no, I'm not blaming this on him. This is my fault. For getting to attached, for not staying in touch with myself. For allowing my food and weight issues to completely dominate my life, especially now that I can share it with someone without feeling completely embarrassed or guilty.
I feel like I have nothing anymore. All I am is just an unneccessary attachment to his life, one that pulls him down because of her own dependency. And when he isn't there to depend on, she turns to binging to aid that lonliness.
Maybe that's where this shift occured. I used to be so independent, so strong, so fierce. So anorexic. Completely in control. And when I let my boyfriend in, when I became completely dependent and in love, I turned to binging, because now I know that I can't live without him. I've become needy and dependent. I binge.
And of course, while I wouldn't trade him for anything in the entire world... I just wish that I could have both. The ability to be independent and strong, while still being able to maintain my close relationship with him.
I only hope this is possible. Because I don't think I can take this much longer.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Something new...

I changed up the format of the site. I was and am getting sick of celebrity crap. I don't care anymore. I am someone else.
The profile picture is me. I never put one of me up before, mostly because I'm afraid someone will discover this and discover me. I still am kind of scared. But I don't think many people I know play around with xanga anymore. And if they do... What am I so afraid of, anyway? People knowing that I'm obsessed with my weight? That can't be so bad. I shouldn't be so ashamed of being who I am. This is half of my problem.
Today, my brother made me really uncomfortable. I run a lot, and this last summer I ran my first marathon. Starting training at 97 pounds, I went into the training thinking I could maintain my 1400 calorie and under diet. Bigggg mistake. So I gained about 15 pounds and ended up around 112, which I'm still trying to lose.
Back to the brother story... He's very concerned about his appearance. He's in a band, which I guess could explain it. He's two years older than me and super skinny -- he's always been super skinny -- but I guess now it's become really important to him, I'm assuming to uphold his "image" in his band. Anyway, growing up, I was always bigger than him, and when we'd have fights, I could just sit on him and he'd not be able to move. It's always been a sensitive subject to me, especially when people always commented on my largeness. But was I really large, or just large in comparison to him?
Anyway, I'm digressing. He ran the other night, for no particular reason except that he had energy. He never exercises. This was the first time he exercised for the sake of exercising in at least 4 years, and he only did so before then because of P.E. in high school. So the day after he ran, he told me he thought he lost weight. Which made me uncomfortable then, too. How come he can run a couple of blocks and be skinnier, and I run 5-ish miles every day and do resistance training, only to stay the same? Totally not fair.
And then today he asked me whether or not I had said I gained or lost weight when I trained for the marathon. This also is a sensitive topic for me. So I reminded him (closetly agressively) that I gained about 15 pounds. And then he told me that, for the past few days after his night run, he had been more hungry than he ever had been in his entire life. And that he plans on never exercising again, because he's afraid he'll get fat.
How mortifying. Can he not understand how selfish and how crude his comments are? How much they hurt my feelings? I love running, and I love working out. I hate carrying around this extra weight. And here is my stupid, skinny brother, who wears girls clothes and a smaller size than I do which I hate him for, telling me that he thinks getting fat or gaining weight is the worst possible thing that could happen to him and he'd rather be unhealthy and untoned just to maintain his thinness.
How am I supposed to feel? Because I feel just awful. It's bad enough to be the younger girl who has always been bigger than her older brother. But then when he talks about how much he hates the idea of being fat, and how much he would rather do nothing so he could eat nothing than to do something and be healthy... And when he borrows my pants that are a little tight on my and sag on him... It makes me hate every fiber of my being. I hate I hate I hate what this does to me. I hate looking at him. He is a constant reminder of my failure and my goals. And then he rubs it in and makes me feel like total shit, and totally disregards the entire thing. What a selfish prick. And I know he doesn't understand...
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Well, it seems that every time I come on xanga lately, the format to write blogs changes. Hahaha. Shows how often I frequent this website.
So this total body metamorphasis I've been promising myself keeps getting delayed to "just one day more" and THEN I'll start my diet. Then I'll be good. It's not as if I even need to lose weight, really... I'm in good shape and I'm within the "healthy weight" for my height, whatever that REALLY means... But I know I'd like myself more about 10-15 pounds lighter. See, the thing is I'm finally not appalled at my body. I can look in the mirror and see what I'd potentially like to have changed, but I don't disgust myself like I used to. I can't even say where this confidence is coming from, although I'm not even sure it's so much confidence as it is apathy. It's just so tiring to care so much about something for so long and to put everything you have into it while you hate every second of it. I've spent so much of my life being uncomfortable that I just want to be comfortable as possible. And if that means eating too much and weighing 10-15 pounds more than I'd really like to be, I think I can handle that.
And honestly, I'm not even sure that when I was AT the weight I want to be at now that I was even completely satisfied with my body. I still wanted to make improvements and adjustments and still was unhappy with my appearance. And now, thirteen pounds heavier, I'd still like to make improvements, but I'm not necessarily unhappy wtih my appearance. The one thing that brings me down, though, is that I used to be able to look in the mirror after getting dressed up and cute and think to myself, "Wow, I look beautiful. No girl will look any better than me tonight." And though that confidence was fleeting upon arrival at whatever social event I happened to be attending, it still lasted for just a short while and got me through those first initial moments of, "Well, should I even go to the party?" Now I just look in the mirror and think, "I look okay. Kind of cute, a little full in the cheeks and everywhere else, but in an adorable sort of way." I know longer have the I'll be the most georgeous girl at the party mentality because, frankly, I don't feel it anymore. And it's the confidence that I miss.
Of course now it's Christmas and the holidays and the temptations are everywhere. Honestly, I think it was easier when I wasn't a vegetarian, because the meat and the protein helped satiate me without all the carbs and yummy deserts. And with the vegetarian options at our family Christmases (green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, two-potato pie, seven layer salad with like an entire JAR of mayonnaise), it's a bit difficult to find a healthy alternative to the traditional ham/turkey Christmases. I used to only be able to eat a small amount of turkey and a little bit of salad and maybe even a couple of bites of green bean casserole and be fine. Now I feel like I could just keep eating rolls and salad and potatoes forever until I burst without ever really feeling full. I'm considering buying Hoodia or some other type of diet pill to help suppress that appetite. And it sure doesn't help that I have one gigantic sweet tooth. Of course I had to sample every different kind of cookie that my grandma made and have some pie too, which never helps. Oh, and I got two entire bags of Jelly Bellys (my favorite), of which I've already eaten one entire bag.
And yet amazingly, I know I'll still only be at about 110 tomorrow. And while I know I shouldn't have eaten so much, especially when I know I can look drop dead amazing at about 97 pounds, I don't really care as much as I otherwise would have. I have a good life. I have a good boyfriend, I have an amazing family, I have my dream job and I'm supposedly in the "best four years of my life"... i.e. college. (Though I'm not sure I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.)
I have a good life, and I'm thankful. My body isn't perfect, but neither is life. Does this mean I'm finally over my eating disorder? I hope. I still have an obsession with it, and once I start it's hard to stop. And I still have moments of completely self-hatred and self-deprevation. But I think I'm finally on my way out of this disease.
Now I just need to learn how to lose those last 15 pounds without my eating disorder.
P.S. If anyone even reads this, Merry Christmas!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

So I haven't written in a while, and there's a reason for that...
I've totally let myself go. I weigh more right now than I have for the past 4 years when I first lost weight... I weigh around 115 and I haven't been above 105 for about 4 years. It's just school is such a different environment and I feel like I can't relax, and the only thing that reminds me of home and of relaxation is food...
And then I trained and ran that marathon, and the reason I did that was to try and burn off more calories to try and compensate for my eating out of sadness, but all it really did was turn my binges into even bigger ones than before because now I was actually hungry instead of just lonely and feeling out of place...
But now the marathon is over. And I've been running consistently anyway just because I like it, but the past few weeks I've hardly ran at all because I've been feeling kind of sick, its getting colder, and I just haven't had the time. This year is so stressful on me that it's hard to even think of what to do next, and though running usually calms me down, lately its just felt like a detractant from work I should really be getting done, and as soon as I get back and showered I am immediately stressed again because I just spent so much time running when I could have been finishing all the work I have to get done. And the only thing that really relaxes me and reminds me of home is to just browse the internet and look at xanga and gossip websites all while stuffing my face with food... And I'll eat and eat and eat until I'm full and I'll know I'm full but I'll keep going anyway because its the only thing that reminds me of better, less stressful times until I'm so full I feel sick... And then I'll feel sick and won't be able to do my work anyway because I feel so awful, but I won't be able to run it off either because I feel so awful, so I just sit in this mind-numbing state hating everything I've just done and everything I'm becoming and that I waste so much time trying to relax in a way that just stresses me out more...
But I feel like I have nothing to do to relax. I don't like TV. I love to read, but I can never have the time to pick out books that I'd like to read because I'm always concentrating on things I need to be reading for class. And I like to run but running is an entire process and not just a quick 10 minute break to get me through the next hour of studying... And I can't play with my cat because he's at home, and I can't talk to my roommate because we're always in and out at different times, and listening to music would be okay except that I can only play it from my computer and at that point I listen to music WHILE browing websites WHILE stuffing my face with food...
And I just hate it all. I hate this life, and I hate what I'm becoming. I want my family and friends and my cat and my house... And I want to get away from all of this stress and this ballooning body. I want my 97 pound body back. I want to be the envy of all my friends again, where I once was the tiniest of all of them but now am the biggest... But they are all still at home and I'm so far away... I just hate what all of this is amounting to. I want to break free.