In which this shit is going to kill me Think I'll make it through the whole VP debate tonight?
8:40: My prediction is going to be "no," since my wireless connection has suddenly and inexplicably gone entirely to shit, and since I was raging at MSNBC's pre-debate coverage within, and I shit you not, a minute of turning the television on. Bible Spice is going to be declared the winner if she manages to walk offstage without shit leaking through her nylons onto the floor, and if Biden even mentions children in any way, shape, or form the gasbags are going to be claiming he said that Trig should have been aborted. It's going to be a lovely evening and I want to kill myself already. 8:57: I appear to have fixed my wireless network, although it's entirely possible that I've done that by turning off all security and allowing anyone who wants to to rummage through my precious data and Xanga porn cache. I think it's still password-protected, though. My contacts itch and I want to stab my eye. The lovely evening in America continues. 9:02: The! Only! Vice! Presidential! Debate! I discover from my wife that the moderator is high on Percocet or something, which can only improve the debate. Question prediction, toward the end of the debate: "Man, are you seeing these colors I'm seeing? Are you seeing this shit?" 9:03: I don't think Bible Spice knows her mic is already on. Biden starts to leave his podium before the first question is even asked. 9:04: The podia (podiums?) are the same height, making Bible Spice look like a seventh-grader. I don't know how tall Biden is, so this must have been an interesting piece of stagecraft to put together, but I'd think hers should be slightly smaller so she's not overwhelmed. 9:05: The women are loving Biden for some reason according to the Hypnotic Lines of Doom. Biden's on Valium. 9:06: Bible Spice starts speaking. Needle plummets immediately. She's good for a little bit, and then starts floundering a bit. 9:07: The Man Line falls below 50% for the first time as Palin mentions the faux-suspension. 9:08: I begin working on a television proposal for a show called "The Man Line." 9:09: Bible Spice (can I just call her BS from now on?) informs me that work ethics are entrenched in our workforce. Oh. She then uses the phrase "team of mavericks." I do not think that word means what she thinks it means. She's looking at Biden, which is nice. Drink every time she says "Maverick." That's twice. 9:10: "Darn right it's the predator lenders!" says BS, who has not received the memo from her party stating that the subprime loan crisis is the fault of Negroes. 9:11: She's talking about personal responsibility. People like it. Up for people! Jesus, Joe, wake the fuck up. 9:12: This week's "John is right" is "John's a good man, but..." 9:13: "I says, Joey, I says..." It occurs to me that I wouldn't know what to do with the Doom Needle if I agreed with what the candidate said but it made me mad. 9:14: Republicans don't get to talk about restraining government spending any longer. They just don't. I'm bored. 9:15: BS states straight out that she's not gonna answer the question. The Line O'Doom appears unimpressed. Ifill tells her to shut up.  9:16: Ifill asks two questions at once, apparently, and I'm pretty sure BS won't remember hers once it's her chance to talk. I'm not sure why the hell she did that.
9:18: I've never talked to government with a sentence beginning with the word "Government!" like I was talking to the dog. 9:19: My dad is aggravated. Biden starts a line with the words "Gwen, I don't know where to start." I agree. 9:20: They are seriously talking about six different things at the same time right now. This is entirely Ifill's fault. 9:22: "Which of your campaign promises will you not be able to keep?" is not a good question, particularly when the reason for not keeping the promises is based on an economic crisis that there is no way to predict the results of four months in a row. 9:23: Is she reading from notes? The only thing she had to do in Alaska was distribute checks from the oil companies. Ludicrous. 9:24: Has Xanga always had a "Fix Language" button at the bottom of our posts? If I click that do my swear words go away? Fuck fuckity shitheap douchenozzle cuntrag. 9:25: John McCain will be able to keep every promise ever! Every single one! Biden's not going to be able to keep the calm facade up for too long, I think. BS can't name a promise she's made, so she's pretty sure she'll be able to keep them. 9:26: Biden's got a pen in his hand. They must have a notebook up there or something. 9:27: Revelations have been made clear to Americans. Her mic's not working right. She says "rear that head of abuse." I don't know what that means. There's also a toxic mess on Main Street that's affecting Wall Street, but I missed what it was. It sounds sorta backwards, though. Is that John Lithgow in that picture? 9:28: And Billy Zane? And some douchebag (douchebag douchebag douchebag) from SNL whose name I can't remember? 9:30: She's going to talk about energy in every question, isn't she? 9:31: She held it together for the first half hour fairly well, but she's starting to babble now. This will only get worse as it goes along, I think. 9:33: This is also a stupidly-phrased question. "What is true and false about the causes of climate change?" There's a good question in there somewhere, but not how she phrased it. 9:34: Biden's either lying or wrong about the clean coal thing. I know he and Obama disagreed about this. What I don't remember is precisely how, so whatever. 9:35: "Senator O'Biden." 9:36: I think she needs a sandwich, because she keeps using hunger as a metaphor over and over again.  9:37: MOTHER FUCKING THANK YOU JOE BIDEN. Asked if he supports same-sex couple benefits, he just answers "Absolutely," before going on to expand on his answer. No equivocating whatsoever. Win.
9:38: What exactly do these people mean when they say "traditional"? Do they just mean the 1950s? MENTION YOUR GAY FRIEND! GAY FRIEND GAY FRIEND GAY FRIEND! She's not gonna do it. Dammit. She says that "no one" in the McCain-BS camp would suggest denying several same-sex benefits and a number of southern conservatives turn off the television immediately. 9:39: And he's just as unequivocal when saying he doesn't support gay marriage as such, which earns him a Go Fuck Yourself. Obama can have one too for good measure. 9:40: It is not "wonderful that they agree," Gwen. You can bite me too. 9:41: Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppppppppppppp. 9:41: Nobody likes early withdrawal. I think most of the Line People are asleep. 9:42: We aren't fighting Shia extremists anywhere. Bzzzt. Wrong. 9:43: She calls the Obama plan "a white flag of surrender" and the line immediately falls below 50%. 9:45: Biden confesses Man Love for McCain. 9:46: Halfway through the debate. So very sleepy. That said, I haven't stabbed my eyes out yet. Did she just say "nucular"? 9:47: She can pronounce "Ahmadinejad" but not "nuclear?" What the fucking fuck? THE FUCKING WORD IS NUCLEAR GOD DAMN IT. NOO--KLEE--YUR, YOU FUCKING MOUTHBREATING MORON. I WILL CUT YOUR FACE. 9:49: Who the fuck is Secretary Quickbaker? Ifill's floundering. 9:50: She says somebody or another hates America and I get the giggles for a second. I can't listen to this woman's voice for four years. 9:51: Biden turns the word "Spain" into a five-syllable word. BS says Secretary Rice met with "leaders of one side or another" in the Palestinian conflict. MLW points out that she's wearing the world's largest flag pin. I believe there's an Israeli flag pin above it, too. I'm not sure how I feel about that. 9:53: Joe Biden refers to himself in the third person and I swear to God my first reaction is "Who?"  9:54: I find this picture by searching for the word "Hezzzzzzzbollah," with all the z's.
9:55: Bible Spice's defense of the Bush administration: "Why you bringin' up old shit?" 9:56: I give ten minutes until there is a techno song primarily featuring Joe Biden saying "George Bush's" over and over again. 9:57: Did she just say that nuclear war would be "the be-all and the end-all to certain people and certain parts of our planet"? And it's "Jong-Il," not "jungle." 9:58: Still bored. 9:59: Three weeks in Iraq costs more money than seven years in Afghanistan? Is that fucking true? That's outrageous and I can't believe that I haven't heard it before if it's true. 10:00: Keep mentioning Dick Lugar if you want to win Indiana, guys. Seriously. 10:01: Sweetheart, Iraq is the most heavily urbanized country on the planet. Afghanistan, not so much. "Clear and hold" techniques used in block-to-block combat in fucking Basra or Karbala WILL NOT WORK in a mountainous cave country. 10:03: Will a no-fly zone in Darfur do any good? Are people flying overhead in planes actually a problem? Am I missing something here? 10:04: He just fucking told you why he voted for the war. Like, just two or three seconds before you asked him to tell you. Idiot. 10:05: The governor is not part of the legislature. She tries to take credit for Alaska divesting from Sudan (seriously?) and then admits that the legislation hasn't passed yet. Nonsense. 10:06: I don't give a shit about Darfur, have I mentioned that? 10:07: Fighting (badly, mind you) in fucking VIETNAM did not teach John McCain how to win a war.  10:08: "How would you differ from your President if your President died and you took over?" is also not a good goddamned question. Laptop's getting uncomfortably hot. My dad checks his watch.
10:09: She uses the phrase "team of mavericks" again. I consider just stabbing my left eye. 10:10: Are the Republicans really trying to run against Wall Street? Seriously? Do they expect anyone to buy it? 10:11: I'm checking Google Maps to see if Wasilla has a Main Street. 10:12: Did Joe Biden just claim he spent a lot of time at Home Depot? 10:13: She's just fucking babbling now. Wasilla has a Main Street, by the way, although I can't figure out how to link to it. 10:14: THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DID NOT JUST GIVE A FUCKING "SHOUT-OUT" TO SOMEONE. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Are they actually supposed to be talking about education right now? 10:15: Is Bristol's pregnant ass in school right now? 10:15: She "wishes" that the Constitution gave more authority to the Vice President. Paid any attention to Cheney, Bible Spice? 10:16: Ten thousand YouTube clips of BS saying "John McCain has already tapped me" in ten minutes. 10:17: She endorses Fourthbranch from the podium. She's reading from her notes. I'm not sure she understands the question, though. 10:18: Biden calls Cheney "the most dangerous Vice President in the history of the country" and the Line O'Doom spikes. Damn right. That said, the line people like everything, especially the women. 10:19: Goddammit, Ifill, quit giving her reasons to mention Alaska. She's not even pretending to answer the "achilles heel" question. Blabbity blabbity blahblahblah. 10:20: And I wish clouds and puppies and trees could be friends together forever in Heaven! And candy! Candy for everyone! Candy and clouds and puppies and love! 10:21: Biden's response is "I'm a complete fuckup." He damn near tears up while talking about his kids. 10:22: "The consummate maverick." Why are the Republicans pretending that they think it's a good thing to not agree with the fucking Republicans? She says McCain's maverickness is backed up by his support from... other Republicans. She says he needs to "leave" in the next four years instead of "lead," and she's right. 10:26: This was seriously a boring fucking debate. 10:27: Up there! Up there, there is so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom! Everyone dreams, I can dream too! Up there, up where the skies are ocean blue! I can be safe and live without a care, if I could only live up there!!!!!!!!!!!! 10:29: I think I greyed out for a few minutes there. I'm pretty sure she just said to say no to energy independence. She throws a random stab against the mainstream media into her final speech. Dunno why. 10:30: She's proud to be an American, where at least she knows she's free. 10:31: Seriously? John McCain is the only person running for President who has ever fought for the middle class? Is that really what she meant to say? 10:32: She won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to... her. 10:33: Drink whenever Biden mentions Scranton. 10:34: Seriously, why do the women like everything more than the men do? Biden's got a flag pin on, too, but not one as obtrusive as Bible Spice's. 10:35: I don't understand why Palin has such high volume on her microphone. Gwen can't get up on account of the busted ankle, which shouldn't entertain me but does. Bristol is hiding the pregnancy with SlugBaby. 10:36: I take back the SlugBaby thing. That was mean. I'm tired, though. Forgive me. 10:37: Heh. SlugBaby. MLW says that isn't Bristol. It's funnier if it is. 10:38: She does not appear to have shat herself, and thus will be declared Teh Winnar of Teh Deb8!!!!!11!!one!! | 
