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| Time Takes its Toll on Us... This Changes EverythingSo my final spring break ended... Aside from the usual process of having a blast
through the embarkation of annihilating brain cells, it's been the
first time in awhile where I stopped focusing on the moment, took a
step back, and thought about the people who have been part of my
life....
It's funny how your peers did the same
things as you did, up to now... We went to school on the
weekdays and had fun on the weekends... Then college came
and it was the same thing, but we gain the additional knowledge of
ourselves, we develop a stronger intuition to ascertain who we can
really trust, and we learn that "insecurity" is nothing but an
emanation of interrogative patterns of thought, about the unknown..
...but now each individual finally differentiates themselves by taking their own paths... I hear that some are entering
the work force or grad school, some are still caught up in the
"glamour" of sex, drugs, and rock & roll, some entered rehab, one of your best friends is going
to Iraq, some are no longer in this world.... Rest in Peace,
some are
joining the peace corps or the
military, some already have kids, .....and I'm
sitting here taking a
breather, free-writing intangible jargon on my xanga, while thinking
about the one thing that's guaranteed to last forever...
time (well ok... technically, if matter and energy ceases to exist,
somehow, then time will also disappear but lets not go there).
So what about my path?? It's been 3 and a half years
since
I've been in the city and I've grown too comfortable living this
peaceful reality... The entire world is moving and growing, while I'm sitting
here, delaying my time to take part in the economy, in an
educational procrastination station, known as college.
The
greatest
beauty of life is its unpredictability... nothing ever goes according to plan. Without
assumptions, the only thing I'm sure of is that these thoughts of
people and past events will
evanesce, for the sake of moving on and fulfilling my purpose and
aspirations. I think this is why Eleanor Roosevelt believed, "Small
minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great
minds discuss ideas".... because people and events come & go but ideas will continue to
evolve and stay in our thoughts.
In my waking dreams, I feel the frost burying over my
naiveness... and as despondent as this seems, I actually
prefer it this way... Infact, progressing
and surviving through this
accretive challenge of living is what really brings me
contentment (...not pleasure)... Why?? I have no idea...
but it's probably in my
biological nature and I can't fight it (I guess that explains why I
can't help but gravitate towards the unknown and risk... so
much for
free will!!!).
I have one life to live and I can't let it go to
waste. I
want to move out of here in couple years, expand my mind, and interact (and date of course) with people
around the world... but for now, the only thing I can
do is utilize my remaining time here in the confines of New York City... So with this being said, it's time to get sucked back into my surroundings...
May the best man/woman win. | | |
| No Apologies2006... worst wake up call... best
party.. best laugh..
best Lambda year... worst revelation... best
recovery... worst news... worst
fall... best lecture... best readings.. best sex.. best
epiphany... worst volatility.. worst
mistake... best learning experience.. worst day.. best sense of
self awareness... best year... but now I see that none of these things matter in the long run.
It's exactly 11 minutes after 11 a.m. now and I still haven't slept a wink. My mind's loaded up on
thoughts, dreams, the effects of a hangover, and everything between. I
haven't had these moments in so long that I forgot how it felt.
-For
the first time in the suburbs of Jersey (Winter Break), the serenity of this place no
longer filled me with a sense of serenity but instead, it's been
replaced by utter boredom. Indeed, I no longer want to relive the past
of zero stress. I've grown so adjusted to this concrete jungle, known
as
New York, to the point where I no longer want a relaxed, care-free
lifestyle. Sure... underneath this upbeat, sacchrine
facade of existentialism
lies a cold, fatalistic layer of modernity in its decadence, which was
never reminded to me in the bubble-shielded suburbs until now, but I've grown to
adapt to it and even like it. It's darwinism (well ok... more of an
economic version) at its best and living through it all satisfies
this core part of my instinctual nature that I can feel it, deep down in
my gut.
-So I was talking to someone about what constitutes something
that's inherently "good" from an objective standpoint. I originally
thought it was human characteristics that align societal regulations
that set an effective establishment to enforce survival of the people
and the teachings that came from prophets because we can all agree on
these traits. She disagreed and said that "good" can not be objective
because it's what the individual prefers to believe... At the time, I
disagreed with that belief....
...but it now hit me... What
about traits that are considered to be morally "good", from a societal
standpoint, but actually doesn't provide a marginal benefit to the self
or the environment??
Like Forgiveness.. something that western
culture puts such a strong
emphasis on.. Why is it that our nation (hmmm well ok... Japan too) especially
accentuates on the atonement of our flaws and destructions of what's
considered a "healthy" reality (even on a minute scale) to the point
that one should feel a degree of shame from
thoughts that are unruly and perverse?? Seeking forgiveness
only makes one focus more on these wicked thoughts and create unnatural
barriers that distance ourselves from Society or God, ultimately making one feel like a rebel outcast, and I can't see how anyone can gain anything from this.
So
what does this all mean? It means that this nature of duality ("good and evil") is part of me
and I'm done trying to justify or even condemn certain actions... Ever since my
sophomore year, I've been so focused on these projections I've made of
myself, when it's actually just an image of what I think I am or what I
"should" be.... and now I see that all this did was completely
prevent seeing myself as who I am...
I trust that I'll still be a man of morals and ethics (then again... what exactly
defines "morals"??? Shieettt... the wave of thoughts never stop coming!!!) without
following some sort of a set code. ....and if not, atleast I've broken this chain from this predictability of mental slavery, so I think I'll take this risk. Hmmm now I'm getting tired and
losing my train of thought, so I think I'll wrap it up...
....so you know what?? Fuck redemption... I regret
nothing.... No apologies....
From now on, it can never be the same as before... cause the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore.
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| Counter Culture is Out... Vanity is INSo it's been awhile since I've touched xanga... finished my schoolwork early for like the first time (hmm maybe second) so i thought I'd post something... I guess I lost interest in posting random ramblings about the comedic absurdities that I witnesss, from the clash of Asian and American cultures to odd people trying to convince me something about bonds by whipping out a calculator in the middle of the street...
I've been pretty gung ho on schoolwork these days.... yeah.. I know.. it's hard to imagine but I've decided to take life seriously and actually apply myself so that I can get a good job, rise up the food chain, and consume myself with greed to the point where money becomes nothing but a score of my performance, which apparently is also known as saving "the malfunctioning corporation of the U.S. (term taken from the movie Wall Street, when Gekko was explaining how greed expands the limits of capitalism and evolves the world)".
...but is it really saving the U.S.??? Isn't this just increasing the level of apathy towards mankind and getting the rich get richer, while the poor have less of a shot to make it??? So is working hard really something that's "good" on a grander scale?? I guess that's the catch 22 of this system... Progress comes through friction...
Oh well... I'm too old to be rebellious now so I'll just accept, adapt, catch up, go with the flow, and then fly ahead... That's right, Kids... STAY IN SCHOOL AND BE COOL!!!! .....and further fuck up the poverty and income distribution!!! YEAH!!!! 
Climb to the heavens on feathers and dreams
because the melting point of wax means nothing to me
-Thrice
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| 人間が遺伝子残すためにいきてるのってほんとか？ だったら何十年生きたって哀しいだけじゃん。 | | |
| - Mu-GetsuYou're not the "all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world".. You are the gel you own-So this morning, I glanced over my hair gel case and found out that there's a quote that says "Live by instinct, and be armed with intellect", on the case. This is great... Not only do I get the benefit of a case with an interesting shape but I get to have a consumer product define me!!! So now that this wondrous gel has equipped me with the optimal survival instinct that would've helped me in the hunter-gatherer society days AND I'm "armed" with superior brain functioning, I think I'll go running around, hunting for gazelles in Africa, while I write my own book, simultaneously.
-You ever hear that quote, "Don't take yourself seriously... You'll never get out alive"??? Basically, this means that I should take myself as a joke and apply to some clown school or be a full time mime, just for shits and giggles.. Damn, so this is the secret to my assurance that I'll make it big.... and here I was thinking that the key to survival is adaptability... pshhh what was I thinking!!!!
-So a lot of Japanese people believe that the blood types we have determine our basic personality... Like I remember getting a lot of "You're blood type B... aren't you!!" comments and I would just have no idea what that implied... This makes me wonder... who came up with this whole concept ??? I'm picturing some random guy waking up one day and thinks, "hmmmm... I bet all people can be classified into 4 personality groups!!" so then he runs around, out of sheer spontaneity, talking and getting to know the entire population of Japan. Damn, this guy is no joke.
-Well now that there are all these speculations on blood types, genetics, materialistic objects, etc. telling us who we are... What kind of studies will they have next?? A correlational study on how the toothbrush we use is an accurate predictor of how our kids will be?? "Hey, is that the new crest brush model 3827892??? OMG your kid is going to become a dirty, cross-dressing hobo!!"
-Usually when I'm drunk, I become excessively generous, which would be contradictory with my blood type/"natural" personality... I guess that means I can do two things after college.... become so sucked into work that I lose focus in anything else or get retardedly drunk 24/7 and do philanthropy events for the next 40 years...
......or I can go to clown school and write a book on "The Art of Clowning". ...with the hair gel on, of course. | | |
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