Tonight I decided it was time I had a talk with myself. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Far too long, actually. So despite the wind (which, incidentally, freaks me out… a remnant of my tornado filled youth) I found myself wandering aimlessly around campus in the dark. It really is a completely different place at night, like going to a carnival just a day late. All that’s left of a mass of movement, people, smiles, and life are some wrappers skittering across the cement in the wind and overflowing trash cans. Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is, it was quiet. Far more quiet than it was in the dorms, and I found myself able to think uninterrupted.

The first thing that popped into my mind was fuck.

How, exactly, had I let myself get to this point? I only went to class occasionally, seizing any opportunity for an excuse to skip it. It rained the night before? Oh I can’t go to class, don’t want the bottom of my jeans to get wet. I stubbed my toe on my way to the shower? Well I wouldn’t want to aggravate it, I’d better stay home. Yes, I really had stayed home after stubbing my toe once.

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy class… ok, that was the case most of the time. But that I could deal with. It was all the other people that I couldn’t deal with. I don’t know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way I had started to be afraid of everyone else. Not the curl up in a corner and rock back and forth kind of afraid, more the don’t look them in the eye and they’ll leave you alone kind of afraid.

And I didn’t know why.

I had no reason for it. It was irrational. I still had several close friends. I still loved my family.

It was all those people I didn’t know that intimidated me. And even now, I can’t figure out why. I had always been shy, it was just a part of who I was. I didn’t initiate conversations with people I didn’t know. But sometime, when my back was turned, that had changed into something… different.

I want to be invisible.

Whoa. Where the hell did that thought come from? Of course I don’t want to be invisible. If anything I want to be seen, noticed, known for who I really am. Not invisible. Never invisible.

Well…

Maybe a little bit.

Not completely invisible, just, I don’t know. Easier to overlook. Maybe.

Maybe not. Maybe I am just in a bad mood tonight.

A/N:  Live Life While You Are Alive

A perfect blanket of snow,

A full moon night,

The stars as beacons to my soul.

Ethereal beauty in the dancing trees.

My breath comes in gasps,

My heart races,

My body burns.

I run and run,

The bitter cold my sole companion.

The fear biting at my heels,

Forcing me on,

Icy tears forgotten.

My cheeks are numb,

My spirit broken,

I can’t feel them fall.

The snow is deep,

The path is hidden,

The night is death.

But on and on

I run and run.

The reason why left far behind,

The choice to stop,

Just out of reach.

Always, just out of reach.

This is the cost,

I realize,

To just survive.

To just exist.

A/N:  I've seem to become nocturnal these days... I wrote this really late last night.  Well, early this morning I guess.  Please, let me know what you think.

If for every lie I told,

I cried a tear of blood,

At this moment I would fall,

Cold and pale,

Death itself.

If for every doubt,

And fear,

I let take hold,

A mirror shattered,

I would never view myself again.

If for every night,

I lay sleepless,

Or am distraught by dreams,

The morning didn’t come,

Apollo would cease to ride.

If for every moment that passed,

While I hate who I’ve become,

And I hide my face,

In shame,

A candle burst to life,

The world would be set aflame.

A/N:  This time of year isn't the best time for me.  I'll most likely be writing quite a bit more.  Please, tell me what you think.  I always appreciate it.