M_J_Jaeswel's Xanga

Please...

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:47:00 GMT

It wasn’t all that long ago when you said to me “I want to die.” Since I heard you crying on the other end of the phone. Since I begged you to put the knife down.

It wasn’t all that long ago when I felt a fear so deep I wondered if it had an end. When I dug my nails into my palms and felt the blood run down my arm, and wondered if you’d soon feel the same kind of warmth.

You cried. I pleaded. You wanted me to hang up. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

Your end got quiet, and my heart started racing. “Say something, anything, please…” I’d never heard my voice sound like that before. I wonder if you knew that?

“I’m going to bed. Good night.” And that was it. You never talked about it again. Neither did I.

That’s the night I realized how much I loved you. I didn’t want to.

I still don’t want to.

But I did. And I do.

You didn’t kill yourself, but after that night everything changed. You didn’t need me anymore.

I didn’t need you till then.

Why can’t the timing on these things ever turn out right?

A/N: The past seems to be haunting me these days.

Fade

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 03:54:24 GMT

Tonight I decided it was time I had a talk with myself. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Far too long, actually. So despite the wind (which, incidentally, freaks me out… a remnant of my tornado filled youth) I found myself wandering aimlessly around campus in the dark. It really is a completely different place at night, like going to a carnival just a day late. All that’s left of a mass of movement, people, smiles, and life are some wrappers skittering across the cement in the wind and overflowing trash cans. Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is, it was quiet. Far more quiet than it was in the dorms, and I found myself able to think uninterrupted.

The first thing that popped into my mind was fuck.

How, exactly, had I let myself get to this point? I only went to class occasionally, seizing any opportunity for an excuse to skip it. It rained the night before? Oh I can’t go to class, don’t want the bottom of my jeans to get wet. I stubbed my toe on my way to the shower? Well I wouldn’t want to aggravate it, I’d better stay home. Yes, I really had stayed home after stubbing my toe once.

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy class… ok, that was the case most of the time. But that I could deal with. It was all the other people that I couldn’t deal with. I don’t know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way I had started to be afraid of everyone else. Not the curl up in a corner and rock back and forth kind of afraid, more the don’t look them in the eye and they’ll leave you alone kind of afraid.

And I didn’t know why.

I had no reason for it. It was irrational. I still had several close friends. I still loved my family.

It was all those people I didn’t know that intimidated me. And even now, I can’t figure out why. I had always been shy, it was just a part of who I was. I didn’t initiate conversations with people I didn’t know. But sometime, when my back was turned, that had changed into something… different.

I want to be invisible.

Whoa. Where the hell did that thought come from? Of course I don’t want to be invisible. If anything I want to be seen, noticed, known for who I really am. Not invisible. Never invisible.

Well…

Maybe a little bit.

Not completely invisible, just, I don’t know. Easier to overlook. Maybe.

Maybe not. Maybe I am just in a bad mood tonight.

A/N: Live Life While You Are Alive

You Don't

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 05:11:17 GMT

I can’t let go, I can’t forget.

Your quiet smile,

Your endless grace.

The strength I knew you had,

The peace you brought to me.

All those dreams,

All those hopes you gave.

Your subtle touch,

Your endless eyes.

I knew from the start.

It wasn’t chance.

It was fate.

I knew from the start.

Your soul, my soul,

Two sides,

Same coin.

I needed you, you needed me,

You made me believe,

I dared to dream.

And now I cry,

A little more each night,

Because I know somewhere,

You’re eyes are dry.

Somewhere you’re laughing.

You’re living and giving,

Saving others from themselves,

Just as you saved me.

You saved me then,

And you destroy me now.

I glimpsed perfection,

For a fleeting moment,

And for that,

I will pay eternally.

My heart.

My soul.

My love.

My life.

All yours,

for now and forever.

But you don’t know.

And you don’t care.

And you don’t need me.

And so I cry, because I do.

I need you.

A/N: Something I wrote a month or so ago that I forgot about until now.

Bitter Cost

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 04:04:50 GMT

A perfect blanket of snow,

A full moon night,

The stars as beacons to my soul.

Ethereal beauty in the dancing trees.

My breath comes in gasps,

My heart races,

My body burns.

I run and run,

The bitter cold my sole companion.

The fear biting at my heels,

Forcing me on,

Icy tears forgotten.

My cheeks are numb,

My spirit broken,

I can’t feel them fall.

The snow is deep,

The path is hidden,

The night is death.

But on and on

I run and run.

The reason why left far behind,

The choice to stop,

Just out of reach.

Always, just out of reach.

This is the cost,

I realize,

To just survive.

To just exist.

A/N: I've seem to become nocturnal these days... I wrote this really late last night. Well, early this morning I guess. Please, let me know what you think.

Stained Reality

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 08:41:40 GMT

If for every lie I told,

I cried a tear of blood,

At this moment I would fall,

Cold and pale,

Death itself.

If for every doubt,

And fear,

I let take hold,

A mirror shattered,

I would never view myself again.

If for every night,

I lay sleepless,

Or am distraught by dreams,

The morning didn’t come,

Apollo would cease to ride.

If for every moment that passed,

While I hate who I’ve become,

And I hide my face,

In shame,

A candle burst to life,

The world would be set aflame.

A/N: This time of year isn't the best time for me. I'll most likely be writing quite a bit more. Please, tell me what you think. I always appreciate it.

Inspiration

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 23:55:23 GMT

Is that rain?

No, nothing but the sprinklers.

Fleeting hope. Just for a second.

But it’s only the sprinklers.

Why am I awake?

What woke me?

Snatched me from a dream of faces.

People passing,

Some I knew,

Nobody spoke.

Couldn’t have been the sprinklers.

Even now,

Awake,

I strain to hear them.

The dream?

I think it was unsettling.

I think.

The foggy forgetfulness rolled in before I even opened my eyes.

It didn’t wake me though.

Perhaps this is why I’m up.

This.

This thing that comes and goes as it pleases,

Regardless of rhyme or reason.

This sudden need for release.

With eyes half closed,

And bottom lip between my teeth.

I can’t control it.

I can’t stop it.

Nor can I call it forth when I want.

It is,

Forever,

My master.

And I,

Forever,

It’s slave.

A/N: Another something written at 3 in the morning.

Doubt

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 09:34:46 GMT

Where to begin?

The beginning?

No.

That’s far too easy an answer.

Perhaps, a year ago?

No, that‘s too close to the end.

Maybe,

Just maybe,

I’ll begin with my heart.

…

No.

No that won’t do.

It isn’t my heart that holds me back,

That forces me to drop my eyes,

To bite my lip,

To remain in painful silence.

Doubt.

Doubt is at the center of it all.

The poisoned web that has become my life.

It is doubt that drives me.

Doubt that controls me.

Doubt that will kill me.

And why? What is doubt?

The bastard child of hope and fear,

Why does it hold such sway over me?

Why can I not see past it?

Act against it?

I claim to the world to be strong.

I fight for what I want.

I protect what I have.

But I shy away from that which I want most.

I destroy it,

Knowingly,

I abandon it,

Knowingly,

Because doubt has taken hold.

Taken hold and wrapped me tightly,

A baby blanket fashioned of my tears,

Hated,

And yet, so much a part of me,

That I fear to ever let it go.

Perhaps,

Someday,

Someone,

Will rip it away.

Perhaps,

Someday,

I will be free.

Strong.

True.

But until then, fear will hold me.

Fear mingled with hope.

Doubt.

My most loyal companion.

A/N: Insomnia is back in full force for me, and writing always helps me get back to sleep. Here's a random poem that came to me while i was sitting there trying to eat cheerios and not wake up my roomate. i'd love to hear what you all think.

The Game

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 02:43:44 GMT

There is nothing more honest in this world than a mirror. A mirror cannot lie to you, for what you see within it is exactly what the rest of the world will see when they look at you. A mirror is unforgiving, harsh, and cold. It will peel away the layers of denial, strip away the very lies you cloak yourself in. It will show you the truth, harsh and painful as it may be. But only if you let it. Because in the end, you can always close your eyes to reality. You can always pull away, put the mirror aside, and continue the charade. You can walk away, and bury whatever doubt may have arisen from that glimpse into the eyes of Truth. Lying to yourself is easy, it’s just a game of avoidance and denial, and anyone can play. But it’s only once you’ve been playing so long that you don’t remember your life before you started, that you realize the truth. That the game destroys you. The lies, the hiding, the running; you hunt yourself as you run. You can never win, for even as you hide you find yourself, even as you run you pursue. When you start, you think the game is against everybody else. Once you’re in it, you know that that too was just lie, just another part of the game. You play the game against yourself, only yourself. And that makes it all the harder. Because no matter what the outcome is, you loose. The only way out is through a mirror, through Truth. It’s a way out, but it isn’t a victory. There is no victory. Only surrender.

It's been a while. Life caught up with me for a long time there. But I came back, just as always. No matter what happens or how far away I go, it always seems to come back to writing. Well anyhow, here it is, the very begining of the new story I've found the muse for. Please let me know what you think, I appreciate it more than you know.

The Truth

Tue, 23 May 2006 04:36:04 GMT

I don’t know what brought it on; what exactly it was I started out thinking about that led me here, to this. A realization that I should have come to long ago. Or better yet, that I shouldn’t have had to come to at all. It’s knowledge that is inborn, I knew that the moment my mind stumbled upon it. It was like turning key that had been sitting in a lock from the moment I was born. A lock set in a door which was shut against a wind. For the moment the key was turned the door burst open, slammed against the wall and shattered, never to be shut again. It was shock that drew my eyes to the doorknob, still intact, rolling helplessly on the floor, as the truth settled around me. It had failed. I had failed. I had blinded myself for so long, had been so afraid to accept true responsibility for my life… and in the end it was the freedom I so desperately longed to maintain that showed me what a fool I’d been.

Thinking I could keep the truth out simply but shutting a door? All I had achieved was to anger it and allow myself to live without a purpose for a while. Why had that seemed so appealing at the time? Why was I so determined to convince myself that this life was all we had, that after the few years we get, we were done? How could I not have seen that there was so much more to life than thinking I was free to do as I pleased? That every time I made a choice it wouldn’t matter if it was the right one or the wrong one, since soon enough another choice would appear and I could start all over. But now I know. Now I see. I was wrong, so very very wrong. We are only given one single choice. Aspire to something greater, or live life for the moment.

I thought that by choosing the latter, I would have the best of both options. Living life for the moment meant I could choose whatever I wanted, without consequence because this was all there was. I could choose to do anything, even strive towards some greater purpose. It was supposed to be the perfect freedom. So I shut my eyes against the truth. Against my better judgment. I took every painful event in my life and shaped it, molded it into a wall to block out something I was afraid to face. Twisted my thoughts around to the point where nothing but pain could be associated with the other option. I thought I was saving myself, that I was one of the few who had it all right. That I would be happy, that I would finally feel fulfilled.

But now I can see with perfect clarity, I never thought I was doing the right thing. I was doing what I had to do, at any cost. I was saving myself from the ocean of guilt that would come with accepting the truth. It was supposed to be the better option. It was supposed to help me achieve my goals. But all it did was distort them, rip them, bend them to the point of breaking. I was living a lie, and it was destroying everything that mattered. And I knew it. That was the worst part. I knew what was happening and ignored it. Pretended it wasn’t there, hoped it would just go away. I’ve never been so good at avoiding something in my life. At the time, it was a relief. Now, I wish I had stumbled just once, forgotten to look away, just for a moment. Maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted as much time as I have.

Blinding myself to it forever was nothing more than a joke. I still ended up right here, staring at the shattered remains of a door I built, and hating it for ever having existed. And hating myself, for letting it, for building it. I thought I had won, that I had found the way to have the best of both options. But really, all I did was waste time.

Every person has the potential to achieve greatness in their life. The definition of greatness varies from person to person of course, but everyone has the potential. I know this, because otherwise, why would we exist? Why would we have dreams, if they were never meant to be achieved? We all have the potential, but so few people ever achieve it. What would have happened to me, if I hadn’t turned that key? If the doorknob which has now come to rest near my foot among the splinters of wood, hadn’t turned at just the right moment? What if I had walked away, and continued on avoiding the truth? I would have wasted a lifetime. There is no fate worse than that. It is self-imposed, it is a lie, and there is no relief at the end, for you die filled with regret. And to think, I was so sure that that was what would make me happy.

A gentle tap to the doorknob with my toe turned it to dust. A fitting end, that. There could be no going back now, no changing my mind and locking the truth away again. But that was alright. I had chosen wrong. I had been lucky enough to see that before it was too late. It was a part of me now, that truth I had locked behind that door. It had knitted itself into my very bones when it hit me, determined not to be ignored again. I should have listened to it in the first place.

this is VERY MUCH still a work in progress, and i am well aware that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. but i decided to put it up for now anyways. any sort of feedback is welcomed, as always.

Flicker

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 00:01:33 GMT

Can you hear a heart break,

The shards as jagged and defensive as broken glass,

Falling to the ground,

Forgotten and overlooked in the face of something new?

Can you feel a future slipping through your fingers,

No easier to grasp than grains of sand,

Reminding you of the innocent castles built as a child,

Washed violently away by the waves?

Can you see regret,

A shadowed path that can’t be escaped,

Stretching out behind you,

Proof of your easily broken will?

Can you smell the pain,

When your very soul begins to bleed,

The mistake that caused it covered in blood,

And laughing as you crumble.

Can you taste the loss of hope,

Bitter and burning, leaving nothing reminiscent of life behind,

The irony of a jagged pill,

Meant to dull the pain?

Can the light in a persons eyes be extinguished,

Yet the body go on living,

A mockery of truth,

With a mask to fool the world?

A flame will only flicker for so long,

It cannot fight the wind forever.

A work in progress, there is still something that bothers me about it. Some of the lines are too long maybe. Or maybe it's the punctuation. Oh well, either way, I figured I'd get it up here and see what you all think. So you should tell me. K?