Alt Studio.

So.
Todays been interesting.
Some odd stuff happened this morning.
But.
It got better.

Went to the Lugnuts game tonight for IBEW.
My dad got some free tix cause he is an IBEW.

Watched fireworks
Felt pretty lonely.

Drove around downtown
saw the power plant.
got lonlier.
listened to song that made me cry.
felt crappier

then came home.
and
really came to find
"I want ring"
A spoon one
and
A pretty one with a stone in it.

<3

Day 1.

I suppose not too bad.

Haven't thought about anything yet.

Haven't exactly allowed myself to.

As the days keep going by.

I'll get lonely.

and

Won't know what to do with myself.

Im sure.

Tomorrow Hanging out with Derek and Jason.

Fun.

Hung out with allison tonight

and talked about stuff.

then went out with kirsten kaitlyn and katie.

Home and kinda lonely thinking about things.

It rained.

I love it when it rains.

It down poured.

I was alone in it.

Im hurt.

Ive just been really hurt lately.

and

I need someone

but

I dont have anyone anymore.

Everything close to me just seems to be slipping away.

If there really is a god or a heaven

i want to die now.

so.

i can be with him.

and

do all the things i regret not doing.

just so he knows i cared.

and

that i loved him.

unconditionally.

i still haven't accepted the fact that he's gone.

I've never seen my dad like this is my entire life

I had never even seen him cry

until today.

i didnt know he could

or

even did.

My dad blames himself for wishbone

it wasn't his fault.

He fought to get better though.

i just wish i woulda have known saturday was the last time i would see him.

i would have done things differently.

things arent going to be the same anymore.

i look back

and

im sorry for all those times i yelled at him

or

told him to go away

or

wouldn't play with him.

or

wouldnt pet or acknowledge him when i walked home

or

things like that

i blame myself

and

hate myself for being like that.

his birthday was in a few days.

he woulda been 7.

burying him was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

holding him in my arms

crying

hoping he would jump back up and be ok

unbearable.

just seeing him laying there

motionless.

eyes closed.

he was the best dog.

i loved him

and

i miss him already.

No ones here for me

im all alone.

my dad won't be the same.

Im scared to get old.

Im scared of what will happen to me.

He wasn't even that old.

I feel alone

and

betrayed.