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| life is messy. it is complicated, and sometimes it doesnt get easier. it doesnt mean im not happy, or that i am not enjoying where i am. life is just messy.
this is why i have always been attracted to grey's anatomy. i think as they do - my mind takes those same crazy turns. i always bond with cristina - her feelings towards meredith, her drive and will to fight.
but tonight it was all about izzie - it was about her feeling as though she ended up with nobody. she has friends and those around her, but it is that feeling of being alone. alone in a way that is differant from actually being alone.
just posing that question - how did i get here. it opens up the floodgates of the past few months of this life, and the messiness that has come with it.
it is nice to feel the pain of those on the show - it makes me not feel alone, simply because i understand those fears, those painful moments. i understand that perspective of the hospital, and those patients. those conversations. i have those conversations with patients. i make those connections.
its all real life. and this is my life. whether or not, i take the good and the bad. and life is messy.
"... im not a princess, this aint a fairy tale; im not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell; this ain't hollywood, this is a small town; i was a dreamer before you went and let me down; now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around...." - taylor swift, "white horse"
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| tonight was quite scary, and i must admit that i am not sure if i have gotten over the adrenaline rush that i have been running off of for the past hour or so.
as korie and i were walking back from our night class, our good friend michelle called with the startling news her car was stolen. she was in a dark parking lot late at night by herself and her car was gone. korie and i jumped into the car and drove to her as fast as we could, luckily finding that the car had only been towed.
though this was a $140 inconvinience, it was not stolen and for that we were grateful. but, we had to drive north a little into a ghetto-ish area after nine at night and find the towing company which was keeping her car.
in this process, we tried to find an atm for some cash in which the first was temporarily out of service and the second, inside of a gas station, was rejecting all of our cards. trust me, this was not a fun time. we were all on high alert - three girls screaming out they knew self defense and kept the doors locked, our eyes open and our purses close.
in the end, michelle got her car back and korie and i drove home in almost a stupor - it was like, 'did this seriously just happen?'
it makes me recount the events of the day, which focused around going to the drop-inn center downtown, which is the largest homeless shelter in cincinnati, and the CCAT house, which serves as a center for chemical and alcohol treatment. let me tell you, some of the things i saw today were mindblowing. so little they had, and the circumstance they lived in.
i cannot imagine if that was my life - or the life of someone that i loved. honestly, it was heart-wrenching. especially when i saw the 300 bunkbeds lined up against the wall for the homeless to sleep at night - i stood there and said a silent prayer i had a warm bed to sleep in and food in the refrigerator.
then after michelle'e little incident, and the days events rumbling around in my head, i am sitting at home and quietly enjoyed the small things i take for granted that are currently meaning all the world to me.
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| savior, he can move the mountains; my god is mighty to save; he is mighty to save. forever, author of salvation; he rose and conquered the grave, jesus conquered the grave. savior, he can move the mountains; my god is mighty to save.
i think i am just tired. tired of being stretched in so many differant directions, in being pulled away from what i want. i just want to be. i want to be in that place where i can simply bask in the glory of his name. i miss the fellowship that cedarville gave, and the magnitude of which i felt his presence.
oh christ, be the center of our lives; be the place we fix our eyes, be the center of our lives.
i have been thinking of the death of a student from my graduating class, who passed away in an automobile accident this past weekend. so much potential, and so much life, and now she is sitting with her savior. it is a reminder in the brevity of life. it reminds of what is important in this world, and has refocused me on the things that i want.
now i can trade these ashes in for beauty, and wear forgiveness like a crown; coming to kiss the feet of mercy; i lay every burden down at the foot of the cross.
i find myself caught between all the worlds that have conjoined in the life, in the amount of things that are pile up and the things that have fell the wayside. i want more. i am just struggling to get there. really, i find that even though i want more, i am truly lucky. those are just words that hide the true mean of how much i have been given in this life.
here am i (here i am), all of me (all of me). take my life (take my life), its all for thee (its all for thee).
in my pursuit of happiness and the 'wanting more' that i have, i can be still. i can sit in this place and throw my hands up in the air and simply sing to his name. was a paradox, or more so a mystery. no matter whatever place i find myself, or where i choose to go, all i know is that i am running towards him with my arms open wide, always wanting his touch and praying for his guidance in everything i do.
oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead; oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
in everything i do.
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| honestly, october is here already? it seems like it was just yesterday i was moving to the big brand new city of cincinnati to stary my life, and here i am - three months later and rockin' out... or trying to!
things have been a little craze to say the least which is why it has been a little infrequent around here... i am back at the hospital as a full-time intern, spending most of my time in transplant clinic. i love being able to sit down and spend time with patients. there is something about people in the transplant process, it almost brings out the process i witness in hospice. there is something about being so open and bare, it makes people honest and openly emotional. sometimes its quite suprising.
so there is that - which is a lot of work and sometimes emotional. then there is the full swing of classes, which though it wont be as hard as summer quarter, it is going to be a lot of work. i am back to budgeting my time between a hundred differant things, and going into my double life mode of... weekdays in the social work mode and double shifts on the weekend at the bee.
whew, i am livin the crazy life.
but after all the crazies of the weeks, i am excited i have this satruday night off so that i can take a chance to finally try crossroads, the local church. i have been thinking about how much i miss that fellowship with having to work sunday shifts for the past few months. but, i am excited to be able to clear my schedule so that i can just take time and bask in god's glory and worship him. the more i am at the hospital and in the hustle and bustle of the apple-world, i find myself being so grateful for this chance to do all these things... for the new friendships i have found and the old ones rekindled... for the family i have and what they have done for me....
i am just so blessed, in ways beyond belief. even when the times are hard, i am here and pushing through... i am making this life all that i want, and i am doing the best that i can.
listen, peeps. here's the truth. im here, im livin.... im lovin along the way...
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| i dont care what anyone says, or the complains they bring. whatever they case, i stand firm.
i am so glad grey's anatomy is back. and here is the reason why - cristina.
so much of her thoughts, her actions. all that she goes through.... i connect with her, relate.
i have said it a thousand times - i am a big picture kinda girl. because this is a relatively new recollection, i am going back to it frequently because i find it ties to all areas of my life.
i see the big picture in the show and how it relates to the people i see at the hospital - the people that are coming to clinic and begging for a second chance at life, which is being given a transplant.
for cristina, she wants perfection. she aspires to greatness.
i get that. i want to be the best. and i want to have a person to share that with. i also want 'my person' to be there, encouraging me along the way.
i get cristina and her need for greatness. i get her in her search for happiness. and i love her new fling.
so many times i see a patient and want to cry with them, and this week was just that. all the hustle and bustle of the day, and at the end their is the reality. we are faced with looking at our lives. we are faced with reflection and choices, right and wrong, regrets and aspirations.
those are the things that keep people up at night. for me, i have the thoughts that float in my mind, and it goes back to a lot of things on seeing things bigger - with seeing myself at #12 instead of at #1.
i am striving for perfection. i know i can never be that. but i am trying.
i dont want to wake up one day with regrets. i dont want to wish.
i want to say my peace and live my life. i get that.
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