Well so yeah, I'm pregnant.  I'm excited.  I want to move to Iowa already.  Strange eh....  moving to Iowa.  I think everybody wants to get the f*** out of Iowa and I just want to go back right now.  I'm sure once I get there I'll want to leave again.  Oh well.  Oh and I want another job.  I'm sick of the one I have, but it will have to get me by.  EHHHHHHHH.   Yep thats it for now!

So its been a long time.  I always seem to come back.  Anyways,  I guess there comes a point in life where you think you have it all figured out and everything is great.  Then one day after (after knowing all along and just putting it in the back of your mind) you say to yourself, damn, I'm fucked.  I'm at that point and I don't really know where to go from here.  I don't think I want to move back to Iowa, but once again I want to flee and I don't feel like I belong here.  Am I ever going to belong anywhere? or to anyone?  Any relationship I've had in my life I've ended up fucking up, so is it ever going to change.  I thought I was making good decisions and changing for the better just to find I'm still the same old me.  I thought I had found the one and now I'm not feeling so sure.  I thought I had found my other half, yet everyday I feel less and less of a person.  I don't think I'm making him very happy either.  I guess the feeling is mutual.  So what do I do?   Do I divide the bank account and take half, pay my part of the rent every month even though I won't be living here, and continue school and work?  Oh and pay for my school every month also...1200.  So all in all thats about 1200school+500rent+200carinsurance= 1900.  This isn't bad at all considering that isn't gas, or food or the rent for who I'm going to have to stay with.  Or do I suck it up, hope that he doesn't fuck me over first and keep on trucking?  Dane Cook has a skit where you wondering why you stay with a person so long, ha, its like you know its over but you stay to the bitter end just so everything can end shitty.  At the same time though I love him with all my heart and I know in my heart it can work.  I can see a future together with him, kids, house, dogs, the whole american dream.  But everyday we argue, mostly about money.  The stress is becoming tremendous with me going to school and work.  I have 18hr days 5 days per week and sometimes I barely get 4 hours of sleep because still have to find time to spend with him.  I was supposed to be at school today but I was exhausted because I knew today not only did I have to do school, but then go to my new job for training then my old job and on top of it there is a new girl there that insists on being such a biotch.  So we argue today about the fact I didn't go to school and the new bill I got for going to the emergency room for awful pains in my chest.  Which was due to stress... which comes from money issues... which I hear about everyday.  It doesn't stop.  Ever.  Its all I can do to blast the music, take a sip of wine between it all, and max out on coffee and tea everyday to get me though.  Is this life?  Is this whats its all about?  Getting though the fucking day?  I enjoy school, but I hate work.  Typical I guess though, everyone does it, why should I be any different.  And if everybody else can handle it, why can't I?  Well, I'm not sure, but everyday I wonder when this all is going to end.  There really now is nothing here for me to live for.  My family hates me, I don't get along with either of my sisters or brother.  My fiance hates me, I hate my job, I don't really want to do what I'm going to school for.  The only people I have to care about are some friends and my Dad.  Whom are all 1000 miles away.  Blah.  This sucks.  I have to go to my new job training now, and my chest is killing me.  I'm contemplating on not going in.  Thats bad.  Snowball effect.  If I don't go I probably will never go back.  UGH.  Fuck.

Wow, I just had an insanely awesome night!!  Beside the fact that I wanted to kick some girls ass because she was being really mean and my legs gave out because I was dancing so much... it went GREAT!!  I wish we could dress up crazy more often... the pulse was insane and I loved it.  I'd write more but I still feel trashed so I'm gonna go take a shower now.