MaggieMay's Xanga

Hope's Amazing Journey

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:25:35 GMT

Hope had an appointment today at the Shriner's hospital in Philadelphia. We were overly optimistic going into today's appointment. Sure, she has Cerebral Palsy, but she is walking independently, she is able to understand us and well, just seems to be doing fine, you know? Sure, the right leg (her GOOD leg) turns in slightly when walking, she flaps her right arm and tucks in the left, but honestly, I thought she was doing GOOD. Well, apparently NOT. The doctor was not impressed at all with her walking and arm posturing. She was quickly referred for a brace (casted for it today and we'll be getting it in August) and referred to the hand clinic as well as the neurologist. When I learned of this, I began to cry and then I was very frustrated because all I wanted to do was call my Mom. My heart is hurting and my mom isn't here to hear me cry about it. That makes me sad and angry all at the same time.

Of course, my husband opted to get the butterflies brace when I wanted leopard print (I'm thinking how to accessorize to the max, you know? Leopard print is in, man!

Think of Hope and of us. This is a setback I wasn't anticipating.

how Grandma views adoption

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:48:25 GMT

It's been interesting getting the different opinions from the Grandmas involved in Hope's very open adoption. My mother was scared to death that Jill was going to come back for Hope (before and after parental rights were terminated). She was convinced that Jill was going to come in during the middle of the night and take Hope right from our home. I tried to tell her otherwise, but she had none of that. She just knew it was going to happen.My husband's birthmother (who gave him up for adoption when she was a teenager) knew that it was meant to be, that we were doing the right thing and that our open adoption was fairy tale perfect.My husband's adoptive mother is also convinced that at some point, Hope is going to be taken away and returned to Jill. I think it's a generational thing. I'm almost convinced she thinks that her own son is going to be given back to HIS birthmother, 48 years after his birth. So you have an idea of where her perspective comes from.Then we have Hope's birth-paternal grandmother. She visits Hope regularly and is very thankful we offer her the opportunity to do so. She is a realist and knows that our desires could change and we could no longer invite her in to our home. She knows her place in our family and is very respectful, almost to a fault. We have told her since the beginning, you are Hope's Grandmother. You have EVERY right to be here and be part of her life and our family. Nothing is going to change that, ever. But I'm sure she also realizes that we have no "contract" and nothing says our relationship has to continue.That said, the other day while she was here to visit, she told me something that brought tears to my eyes and has had me thinking about it ever since. Upon leaving, she said "I know Jill made the right choice". I looked at her and smiled. She said "from the beginning we knew Jill wasn't the maternal type, kids drive her crazy. She has a big heart but she isn't meant to be a mother. You, on the other hand, are. Yes, she made the right choice. Hope is in the best place she could ever be." I think about that and think about how fortunate Hope is to have her birthfamily in her life and how fortunate WE are to have her family in OUR lives. I like to think we are a big family now. I realistically know that our paths would have never crossed had Jill not given Hope to us. We would have never known she existed. Now, she is filling a void in my life I didn't know I had. Now we all have Hope.

life...among other things...

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:55:38 GMT

I often wonder what life would be like without kids, dogs and the cat. Just my husband and I. I think (hope anyway) that it's normal to wonder what life would be like if it were the opposite of what we're living. It's not that I dislike my life as it is, I'm just curious. I would imagine that while we might have more "things" I'd be so bored every day. I am not sure I'd like that lifestyle AT all....

But...after two days like yesterday and today...I'm kinda wishing I had that life.

LOL!!!!!

Kids are driving me crazy, the dog is ready to send me over the edge, and well, the husband is the only thing on my GOOD side right now. Bless his heart. He's trying!

He decided we're going to drink a glass of vino every night for our hearts...along with our baby aspirin and 3 dark hershey's kisses. Gotta get the blood flowing freely and all those good antioxidants, right? So he buys me some wine. It's a local vineyard. OMG this stuff is gagging awful. ugh. But I paint a happy face and choke down a glass, to make him feel good. I'd rather go suck up a pina colada or something. HA! Really, I prefer a nice Manischewitz wine, preferably the Cream Red Concord. Every Lutheran knows this is the BEST communion wine ever. LOL!!!! 2nd to the Cream Red is the Blackberry....

But instead, I have some of thos local crap that is sitting in my fridge.....and there's an extra in the pantry. Oh my. Anyone wanna come help me drink this stuff????

an update...of sorts

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:22:12 GMT

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. In the end, Jenna chose friendship over her boyfriend AND then he became her NEW boyfriend. Oh my! Yes, Scott is now her new beau and they are in LOOOVVVEEEE. I tease them all the time. They can sit and stare at each other for hours and not say a word. He says she's gorgeous, she says he's the best ever....oh gag me. LOL!!!!! Actually, I love it. They are behaving like two 16 yr olds! And they seem to have a healthy relationship. So, that's all cool, so far, anyway!

Jenna applied for a 'real' job with a 'real' interview process and well, she'll know tomorrow or Monday if she needs to go buy some black dress pants for her uniform. I suspect she's gonna get the job! Starting salary is what her dad was making to support a family of 4 back in 1996! Yowzers. I told her that is most excellent and she needs to consider taking the job. So, we'll see on that.

More to come later, dinner is here!

I'm backI tell you what, raising a special needs child is no picnic. Raising 3 makes me think I'm off my rocker or something. I have my moments....tonight I was so fed up with Jessica's obnoxiousness that I sent her to bed EARLY. She must have needed the rest because she conked out almost instantly. I *knew* she was over tired because holy hannah she was a mess. Whew.Hope is over tired, she didn't get enough of a nap today and is throwing a fit. I'm so tired of kids throwing fits. Can I throw one too?and dammit, I wanted to call my mom tonight and whine whine whine. She'd listen to my whine, talk about my online friends, smile, smile, and every so often give me some excellent advice that I would ignore until I couldn't any longer and admit defeat and say yes, mom, you were right. Dammit. I miss her.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:48:44 GMT

Ok, so tell me. Can a man and a woman just be "friends" with no strings attached? And to take it one step further, should a girl give up her friends (male specifically) for her man?

These questions come to mind for 2 reasons. One, I have more male friends than female and they've been my friends longer than anyone (20+ years). We have no strings attached to the friendship. We are all married and for the most part, happily so. We may not talk from one month to the next, but when we do, it's like we've been together all these years. We just pick up right where we left off.

The 2nd reason is because my daughter's boyfriend, of almost a year, chose to break up with her because he told her to either choose him or her friends. She chose her friends. she took my advice, but I'm not certain it was good advice. I told her that boyfriends are a dime a dozen, but friends have the potential to be forever.

She takes after me. She prefers male friends over girl friends. Girls at any age are catty bitches and the majority of the ones she knows are the most obnoxious of the catty ones. I thought it was the age, but then I thought about it more, and I know some catty adults too! Now granted, not all women are like that and not all men can be friends with a woman without strings attached, either. I understand and respect that.

I know I can be flirty with my male friends...but given the opportunity, I can be what can be defined as flirty with my girl pals too. It's just my personality. Does it mean I'm going to leave my husband for my guy pals? No. It just means I'm friendly and bubbly and outgoing when I'm with my friends.

I wanted Jenna's boyfriend to realize that it's ok for her to have guy pals and girl pals and it's ok for her to hang out with them. I also encouraged him to realize that she does make time for him and him alone. It's tough because he lives in the next town over and goes to a different school (she's homeschooled anyway, so she doesn't go to anyone's school but her own! lol!) But still....

I think they are slowly moving on from one another, which isn't entirely a bad thing.

Just my thoughts at the moment.

Venting is what I do best....

Fri, 30 May 2008 11:33:35 GMT

I think I'm using this blog as a substitute for my Mom. I reached for my phone today to call her, when I was PISSED at the world... I haven't done that in about 2 weeks and thought I was to the point of not doing it...but oh today...I reached for it! Then I became doubly pissed off.

I made elaborate plans for the weekend that included the entire family. Jenna and Jack were going to the mall then to a movie. I had shopping to do at the mall. We were to celebrate Jessica's birthday, her 15th, which is today. HA! So totally out of our control, the check engine light is on in the van. Normally my husband would ignore it a day or two, or three even. Sometimes it goes off when nothing is wrong... but he opted to take it up today, on a FRIDAY. So we have just our SUV which only seats 5. Well, there are 6 of us in the family PLUS Jack, so we needed the van. I *know* he didn't do it on purpose, but I'm sooooo mad right now I could scream! Not to mention, our SUV is in the shop now, (ready to be picked up) and is $500 to repair it! Ugh. Crazy crazy crazy.

The only good thing? My old old dear friend from college is going to be in town tomorrow and he asked if I'd be free for lunch. Yup, I am. I haven't seen him in 20 years.

I'm angry....

Thu, 29 May 2008 19:40:00 GMT

I really don't like the feeling of anger. But I know it's a normal emotion and I just have to work through it, right? But my feelings get hurt then I get angry, sometimes over very insignificant things....

For example, we planned all week to go out tonight, then we were going to do some shopping. Easy enough, right? We agreed on a restaurant, went and I didn't feel like eating much, so I got just an appetizer for me, I ate about half of the tortilla chips that came with it and not much of the dip itself.... but then when our meal was over, I was feeling hungry and felt like I'd like some dessert. Well, by then my husband was ready to leave, as in it's time to go NOW. I hate it when he gets like this! No particular reason, other than he's done being social and wants to retreat back to his cave.

So I had to use the restroom. I said, I'd like this, but it has ice cream, so I would have to eat it here. I assumed he knew that meant I wanted that if she came by for our order. I got back to the table and was doing stuff with Hope. She came, he ordered his dessert to go and said that's all, we'll need the check. I said hmmmm, what the hell am I? He said what? You didn't want anything, did you???? No, fine, whatever. Now I'm angry, at not only him but myself. I'm also angry that I didn't get my dessert. *hrmph*.

I feel like I'm stuck in perpetual PMS. Is that what grief is about? Irritability, anger, frustration....

If so, I want this roller coaster to end, now.

you knew this was coming...right?

Mon, 26 May 2008 09:21:28 GMT

You you all about karma and how it bites you in the butt, right? Guess who has a tummy ache and feels like crap? <waving> Yeah. Me. <sigh> I'm sorry for all that I said about my dear husband! I'm sorry! lol!!!!!

I'm hoping it's just nerves and anxiety/frustration from last night. Really. That is all it is, right? I mean, we're getting together with family today and having food and all that fun stuff. I need to feel ok!

ETA: I'm feeling better. I think I was just caught up in the moment and let my anxiety take over. I'm hoping I'm not sick! I don't have time for it!

update #2

Sun, 25 May 2008 11:57:11 GMT

He's recovering slowly. At least there's hope for tomorrow.

sick husbands....an update

Sat, 24 May 2008 23:56:49 GMT

He laid in bed all day long. He's still there. He asked for 2 pieces of toast, which he consumed and did fine....

bah

I just hope I don't get it, what ever *it* is. lol!