| God is at workThe last weeks since the accident have not been easy. For
quite some time I wanted to give you an update but could not find the
energy to do it. God is at work for which I am truly thankful. Three
weeks ago we had our annual women’s retreat and the team who had come
has been a wonderful blessing.
Several
of the learning processes I wanted to share with you in the following
are connected to things said, prayed and even sung over me during this
weekend (the team sang the theme song over me as a special blessing –
Prov 3:5-6). As Adela, our retreat speaker, said, the weekend was
probably a turning point. I am on the road to recovery, but it seems a
very long road and I am advancing only slowly. Shortly after the
weekend I also had an online conversation with Karen. I knew her
from a workshop a few years back and her insights and advice were very
helpful.
So what is God teaching me?
- The first
important insight was the importance of being secure in God’s love.
“The powers of darkness fear those most that are confident and secure
in God’s love.” - I realized that this is something which was part of
last year’s healing process to an extent I would not have dreamt of. Yes, I am
secure in God’s love, I know that he loves me without conditions and
that there is no condemnation no matter how much I fall short of
perfection. If I had not had this security during the last weeks and
months, I might have already left the country. It gave me an additional
strength I was not even aware of. The attacks could not hit me with
their full force.
- While praying for
me, Adela had the impression that all these problems of the last time
are a preparation and purification for a future ministry. This was
maybe the most crucial insight. Not only did it answer my main question
of the last months - how should I interpret this accumulation of
problems and stress - it also gave me a new perspective. The problems
might be due to Satan’s attacks but they are also part of God’s
training program. This goes a step further than saying God will use it
for good, because it tells me that there is purpose in it.
- Based on this
insight I realized that dealing with multiple problems at once are my
weak point. I have never been very good in multitasking especially when
I felt assailed by too many things at once. God is teaching me now how
to do it, and not in my strength but in his.
- Karen asked me
among other things what I am telling myself in these situations. I
realized that I unconsciously told myself: I can’t handle it anymore,
it is too much, it’s not fair, - and eventually - I don’t want anymore,
I don’t want to go on like this. This unwillingness to deal with
multiple problems prevented me from living out of God’s grace and
strength. Now I am slowly learning in these situations to call on the
Lord and trust that his strength is perfect in my weakness when I feel
overwhelmed. It’s amazing what difference this self-talk can make.
- It was also very
helpful that by looking at my prayer mails Karen was able to identify
at least four major losses and a long list of stressors (26 and still
counting). So the question was if I had grieved these losses. I had
not. This was part of my recovery work during the last weeks, for
example, by writing a good-bye letter to Fatomata, who had died in
July.
- Karen also gave me
an article from Henri Nouwen which provided valuable input. This
article underlined for me the need to let go and let God work it out
(parable of the river), stop trying to control things, which is hard
when you feel so much out of control, tossed around by circumstances
like a ball. I also realized that I had accumulated a lot of
resentment, towards all these circumstances and the people involved in
it. I still need to work through these points. Interestingly enough,
there was no resentment about the accident itself. Through this article
I realized that because I felt so much gratitude about God’s
intervention on the day of the accident, that there was no room for
resentment. Gratitude is an antidote to resentment.
- Last weekend I
finished listening to the “Sacred Romance” (audio book). One paragraph
was especially significant for me: about God using warfare to draw us
into closer communion with himself. In a way it underlines some of the
above insights. There is warfare, but not because God is not in control
or because I have not resisted the enemy enough. The author goes on to
say:
“Warfare begins to feel different. The whole thing is
not about Satan. It’s about communion with God, abiding in Jesus. The
issue is to keep focused on God’s goodness instead of being obsessed
with the enemy and his attacks. The only reason to focus on the enemy
is to rebuke his lies.” (my paraphrase) - This
audiobook also reminded me of James 1 - trials are a reason for pure
joy, because God uses them to grow in intimacy. Or as the Life Model
puts it - to grow in maturity. This was a reminder of what God had
spoken to me a few months ago. How quickly did I forget!
- Being
instead of Doing: That was a topic I had often meditated about in
summer. I often wondered if all the problems that kept me from doing
what I was supposed to do was a lesson in Being? This seems to be
reinforced now through the article from Nouwen. We need to trust that
ministry is not so much what we do but the power that flows from us
when we abide in Christ.
So
now I am learning to put all these insights into praxis.Last
week provided ample opportunity for it: On
Tuesday I got the car back from the garage that had painted it. On
Wednesday I had planned to have the very last repair done, only to
discover three more problems that need taking care of. Plus I had
problems with the police twice (not my fault). This was a lot of stress
all in one day (or actually half a day), but I was thankful to see that
I was able to handle it fairly well. On the other hand, the next two
days I was too exhausted to do anything. Saturday I worked on resolving
one of the three new problems, only to discover yet another one when I
was again stopped by the police – two days ago darkened car windows
have become illegal here. I
still find it difficult to accept these adversities as a normal part of
life. I guess this is part of what I have to learn. I was always
waiting for life to become “normal” again, meaning with no or fewer
problems. But as a friend said: ‘Normal’ is only a setting on the
dryer.
On the whole you can praise
God for all he is teaching me, but also pray for my continued recovery
and wisdom to know when it is time to move on. Thanks again for letting
me share with you.
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