I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes
boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE
TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do
with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and
it’d still rule.
It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated
shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of
high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams
before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use
screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s
sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but
twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a
Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets”
guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will
punch him in the brain.
I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE.
Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked,
is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer
made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct?
LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that
chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift
supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay
for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your
hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes,
but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does
it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from
the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas,
mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie
O’Donnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE
WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up
for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women
around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every
naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic.
Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will
think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen
this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a
movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.