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| Pre-Mortemso read this before you read the rest: it's full of complaining, anger, resentment and bitterness. you have been forewarned, feel free to ignore this posting.
so ken wants to move in together. okay.
but the way he's arranged things in his mind don't coincide, if they ever did, it'd be that much of a miracle, with how i would want to arrange things. and maybe there is no "right" or "white" way to do things, but something just doesn't feel right about the order of it. and then there's the waiting. i HATE waiting.
it's a matter of how long do i wanna wait, which i don't wanna wait. Period.
do i wanna wait for him to get a job, THEN find a place. THEN get a loan, THEN fix it, THEN move in. OR wait for him to get a job, THEN save money for a ring, THEN wait for a proposal, THEN find a place. THEN get a loan, THEN fix it, THEN move in. or worse, all that PLUS wedding arrangements, a wedding, THEN moving in. ugh, can you feel my anxiety, and not the good kind, building up? it's a matter of waiting and waiting and waiting. God, what a horrible four-lettered word. but then it's like if i choose the shortest amount of w@*ting, i'm just settling outta desperation. desperate enough to move into the first shack, or refrigerator box, with anyone? why is this so difficult? such a long drawn out process that the extent of the whole makes me not wanna do it at all. i think i enjoyed my root canal more than i'll enjoy this whole damn bloody thing.
oh before i forget, i dreamt about you and quite honestly, it hurt to wake up. b/c in it, we were actually talking. we were actually being ourselves again. no feigning, no lies, no behind-the-scenes, just us. the us no one quite understood but didn't matter b/c we did, we understood each other and there was no need for anything or anyone else. why couldn't you see that i SAW you, i KNEW you, i LOVED you for how you really were. but the alarm of reality sounded and that was the end of that. maybe i was WRONG, maybe i didn't SEE you, maybe i didn't KNOW you, but the unwavering truth was that i did love you. i truly wish you knew, but it's classified and you forfeited. that was then, this is now. i guess i deserve it anyways. it's that brick wall i just LOVE to, not walk, but RUN into head-first. i deserve it b/c i took that chance. i ignored what everyone still says @ you. i ignored the obvious in hopes for my ignorance. ignorance is sweet after all. i went out on that limb, both figurhey joelatively and literally, in hopes for that change i had prayed for so many time, so long ago, but never did come. i believed your repentance. but that was never true, was it? there's a place for liars like you. don't worry, what i did is nothing compare to your actual comeuppance. but that's not for me to deliver, b/c if i've learned one thing from the last 3 years is that the final blow with be struck by another's hand. and then you'll see, then you'll remember me.
i don't hate my job. people make me hate my job. in turn, i hate people. i hate people with opened umbrellas up their ass, customers with goldfish memories, people who don't know who is who and what who is like let alone how to talk to who, customers who complain aloud but don't crawl or slither their way over to another location, people who smoke crack for breakfast, people who yell incoherent thing in much too loud voice with egos bigger than their dirty dicks, people who are new and are incapable of logical things, people who harass me and swagger with their walks as if they were born with a bone deformity rendering them unable to walk straight, people who pinch and request enthusiasm when the only enthusiasm i am can muster is shoving my foot up the tall, thin stricture that is their ass, and did i mention stupid customers with stupid requests? so yeah, i'm contemplating a transfer b/c i can't take this shit anymore, like the IQ levels have dropped through the floor.
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| well ladies & gentlemen, looks like it's gonna be another 2-yrs. will the time ever come that the words that come out your mouth ever actually mean something? i said show me, the stage's clear. Go on. Here's your chance. Take it.
Pssh... exactly.
well, looks like the Bahamas is gonna have to put up arms... b/c Hurricane Carla's coming to touch land baby! <turn head to left, pinch shirt off left shoulder & release> My ass will be pimped out, damn skippy. It'll be much need R&R after a whole summer of Venti Lattes, Grande Orange Mango Banana blends & Ice Tall Ice Coffees. that's right, you heard me, i gots me my degree in Fretalian. alotta good it's gonna do me when my best partners (in-crime) are shipping out. and not to Boston. xoxo
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| Chicken Nuggetsi said i'm sorry.
if that in itself isn't enough, then you are expecting far more in return than you give. i acknowledge i acted out of context, considering i never had anything to stand on with you. but for old times sake, just this once, give me a break.
i'm too old and i've come too far for this shit, this ain't college no more. once should be enough b/c i don't have time for this shit. if anything, i'm now annoyed & irritated that i'm still on this kick. now i'm pissed.
fuck it.
fuck you too.
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| Re-Focusfor once, just this once, understand me.
i may just have asked for the impossible, but i'm still willing to try. there's value in that.
i don't know how selfless i was supposed to remain, but even that can only be so much.
and at the Lone Hour, remember each & every time i went & was turned away. has that no weight on an already heavy soul?
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| Absolute Zerodon't ever question me.
not once,
in all this time,
even then when i should have,
have i ever given ultimata.
just a fraction in return for all things from my behalf.
is even that too much? it probably was.
was i a 5-hr solitudinarian? not by choice.
at least it's clear which door i need to walked out through.
the same one i leave my absolute value behind.
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