Im back. New diary.

xANAdictionx

This is my last entry for many months. If you have recently commented me, i will be commenting you back. I am also going to leave a comment for every single person that i have subscribed to. This xanga isnt working out for me anymore. I have nothing to say in here anymore, and what I do say, is left unheard. I will update every few months, to let you all know that im doing okay, if any of you care. If you would like to keep in touch, just comment me and we can exchange information.

Stay strong, and forever beautiful.

Laura

i went from having hundreds of friends to 3 really close friends. and NONE of them are on xanga anymore.

You guys ditched me. Im binging myself sick. Then fasting.

Gotta keep up with it. Stay strong.

Good news. Im not going to right about him in here anymore.

I dont know how much I weigh. Maybe 154. People are noticing that I have lost 20 lbs, all of a sudden, and it feels good. And when I say yea, I need to lose about 20 more, they strongly disagree.

I wish I could leave this. I wish I could just diet my way to perfection. Take pills to lose weight. I dont want her to be in my head anymore. Everytime I go in a kitchen, everytime I eat, everytime I watch others eat.

I dont want to look at people anymore and think OMG shes so fat.

I want to look at people, and think, hey, maybe she just needs a friend. Maybe she wants help. Maybe shes trying.

I want to model. Im going to model. I should be about 130 135 at least to start modeling, I dyed my hair, and in a year and a half, I will get my braces off.

Im tall enough, my friends all say im trendy, and I want it more than anything.

People are starting to call me BEAUTIFUL. Not hot, not cute, not adorable. Gorgeous, and beautiful. Those words have never meant so much before.

I want good grades, I want a job, I want a boyfriend. And I realized that I dont NEED ana to get those things.

I NEED to be happy. And no matter how much I weigh, with her in my head, I will never be happy. Im thinking of taking up yoga.

I want to be happy. I want a perfect life. And I want to be able to say I got there the right way. I dont know if Im leaving, but I dont know when I'll be back. Right now, I just really need a friend. Anyone.

Happy new year.

EDIT***

Who am I kidding. I can't leave her. I can't leave this. And for the first time I wish I could.

2 pieces of toast today. Lets hope thats it.

This past week has been so hard without you. Ive been thinking about ben so much, and it brought so much heartache, that I burried my feelings in the devil. In poison. Food. Dramatic events have gone down, but they are irrelivent. Im dreading today and all the tears I know it will bring. We are going to Webs daughters house at 5, and I know Im going to have to eat. I dont want to. I dont want to. I dont want to.

I dont need to. I cant.  Report points to me tomorrow. Christmas. Blah. I said Id make a new point system, but I dont have the energy. Im thinking actually, of calling it off. And starting one on new years. I colored my hair blonde. I hate that color. So in a way im punishing myself.

When I lose more weight, and im at least 18.1 bmi, i will dye it dark again.

I read an article on mk. She has 4 venti starbucks things a day. Skim latte, chai latte, or her latest, red eye. She said "those will wake you up"

edit** christmas morning

Ben showed up, we went to nikis, exchanged looks the whole night. He was drinking, and I was loving it. The whole (adults only) family was in the garage and I was cold. Web asked where my jacket was and when I said I didnt bring one, bens words were "oh my god laura here". I love his jacket. I wrote a little note to him in the car, but he didnt see it, so I put it in his coat pocket. it just said i want to tell you something but you have to promise to keep it between us.

he confided in me last night that he bought someone a weed pipe and couldnt find it. I think thats pretty cool that he trusts me with this stuff now. he smiled and said he was bringing the dog for a walk hed be back in a half hour. I went to bed at 1:30 am. Ben came home at 10:00 am.

I DID SO GOOD yesterday with food at nikis. I was running all over the house after little kids. And I barely ate. Im hoping I can do that good today too, and Im going vegie again. Im giving ben his christmas present this morning. Im nervous what he got me. Im not weighin in until friday or wednesday maybe, but i know im fat. so i hope to be 151 again by the end of the week.

STAY STRONG, DONT EAT A TON, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS

No food. NO FOOD. NOOO FOOD.