Good news. Im not going to right about him in here anymore.

I dont know how much I weigh. Maybe 154. People are noticing that I have lost 20 lbs, all of a sudden, and it feels good. And when I say yea, I need to lose about 20 more, they strongly disagree.

I wish I could leave this. I wish I could just diet my way to perfection. Take pills to lose weight. I dont want her to be in my head anymore. Everytime I go in a kitchen, everytime I eat, everytime I watch others eat.

I dont want to look at people anymore and think OMG shes so fat.

I want to look at people, and think, hey, maybe she just needs a friend. Maybe she wants help. Maybe shes trying.

I want to model. Im going to model. I should be about 130 135 at least to start modeling, I dyed my hair, and in a year and a half, I will get my braces off.

Im tall enough, my friends all say im trendy, and I want it more than anything.

People are starting to call me BEAUTIFUL. Not hot, not cute, not adorable. Gorgeous, and beautiful. Those words have never meant so much before.

I want good grades, I want a job, I want a boyfriend. And I realized that I dont NEED ana to get those things.

I NEED to be happy. And no matter how much I weigh, with her in my head, I will never be happy. Im thinking of taking up yoga.

I want to be happy. I want a perfect life. And I want to be able to say I got there the right way. I dont know if Im leaving, but I dont know when I'll be back. Right now, I just really need a friend. Anyone.

Happy new year.

EDIT***

Who am I kidding. I can't leave her. I can't leave this. And for the first time I wish I could.

2 pieces of toast today. Lets hope thats it.