So. College.

[Let me think about this one for a while.]

I'm on the edge.

Tomorrow will be big. College is nearly here, my friends. This is my last night at home. Yeah. I really can't believe it. Maybe because I'm not done packing? Oops. My fault completely, but hey, I couldn't physically do it any earlier. Every time I put my pictures and books into one of my absurdly large boxes or load up a suitcase with a mere fraction of the clothes I own, I'm reminded of my departure and I want to cry in a corner. It hits me right there and then: YOU ARE LEAVING. SUCK IT UP! So nervous so scared so hesitant so everything at once. I need Caitlin's Nova-itis to rub off on me.

Then again-- there is also a more reckless, renegade side of me that says "Fuck it, I can't wait to get the hell out of here!" I'm sick and tired of drama, so I figure, why choose to endure it when you can just leave it behind, right? Sounds good to me.

This summer has been a whirlwhind of many things, both good and bad. I don't think I ever fully ascended to the level of total badassdom, but it was definitely a vast improvement in terms of me actually going out and having fun. Had some pretty lovely times just hanging out with many of my friends, although it's a shame that my time was cut so short with some of them... it's impossible not to think of Miriam when I say that. But I did as much as I could with the summer that I was given. Didn't sit on my ass moping and watch the summer pass me by like I did last summer, and for that I'm extremely satisfied.

Unfortunately, it wasn't all wonderful. To put it simply: I hit a few bumps and endured a lot of heartache. It's funny, one moment things appear to be normal and the next moment the universe has been shaken up and turned upside-down. The end of high school took on a new meaning as the end of "when everything was so much easier." I look back at my yearbook, at all the signatures that grace its many glossy pages, at all the faces of people I spent four years with, and I feel tenderness and sadness blended together. I cared and worried about people who stood out to me as especially radiant and unique-- Lord knows if I'll ever be friends with them like I was before. But I am going to believe that I will remain friends with those who truly matter, and those people, as demonstrated through their actions, will show themselves to me.

But here's a break with the emo flow-- some very good news has been acquired: I'm going to be home from October 8th-16th thanks to Villanova's "fall break" vacation. YEEEEEEEEES! NYC my love! My mom, of course, is thrilled that I will be home before Thanksgiving... the more she gets to see me, the saner she'll be, I guess. Anyway, to my NYC college amigos: let's all make plans. I'll want to see you, trust me.

And here's the part you were waiting to hear-- the summary of my week. An awful lot has happened since last Friday. Last Saturday was pretty busy. After a visit to the bank (I am now the proud owner of a debit card), and to my grandmother (she got me a mini sewing kit for college and attempted to give me a mini sewing lesson, which I think I passed, let's pray that nope of my clothes rip), I hopped on an N train into Manhattan. I met Grace and Lisa in the East Village and we proceeded to sit around in an air-conditioned environment drinking iced coffee-- trust me, it was quite the adventure, especially on a 90-degree day. When the Duggan/Wong tag team had to leave me, I then met Erica, Marlaina Lee, and Teresa on St. Mark's. We walked for a quite a while before locating a really good Polish restaurant for dinner-- I was skeptical at first but damn, that food was good. And coupling it with a cheesecake that was later purchased for dessert made the evening's meals even better. After fleeing Urban Outfitters upon witnessing Erica frighten the employees by sitting on and breaking a table, we made our way towards Union Square. At the train station Teresa and I bid "goodbye" to Erica and Marlaina... you know, "see you later," "good luck at school"... that whole drill, which is secretly quite sad. Well, anyway, being the rebels that we are, we bought tickets for the 10:40 showing of Wedding Crashers, which was hilarious, a bit uneven and sappy at the end but still, very very funny. I myself crashed (har, har) at Teresa's house uptown for the night.
I awoke the next morning to find Talia Carr in Teresa's bathroom with her head in the sink. My first reaction was OH MY GOD GIRL IN SINK but I soon realized that they were in the process of dyeing Talia's hair from blonde to brown, a two-person job. A fascinating way to begin my lazy Sunday. I left for home at about 1 in the afternoon. I didn't know for sure that that was the last time I'd be seeing my California-bound friend until December, but I had a vague feeling that it was. To put it bluntly... I was sad. Very sad. The west coast of the United States is too far away for me to even fathom. I dislike distance, that's for sure.

We have to move on. Monday involved my last visit to the dentist [for now] and some college shopping. I bought a few pairs of pants, which I desperately needed, and far too many polo shirts. I swear to God, my parents are going to put me on house arrest once they see the credit card bills. Then again, everything I bought was for college purposes, so I really did need most of those items. Can't get mad at me for that.

After work on Tuesday, I met Lisa and Mark uptown after work, walked around a bit, "said goodbye" to Mark. Wednesday was MY LAST DAY OF WORK, which meant intern pizza party ohhhh boy. Our gift this year: coffee mugs! Mine will SURELY last me through many sleepless nights in college. Another "goodbye," this time to the lovable William Winkelman. And if that wasn't enough, I headed to Christina's house after work for some good vegan eatin', Brat Camp, and hey, what do you know, more goodbyes! Goodbye to Joshua Spiro, Kate Previte, Andrew Munfakh, Dana Haitkin, and of course, the irreplaceable Christina Theodorou. All of these people have meant so much to me, it's hard to really explain just how or why. I could write, and write, and write...

And yesterday, after shopping with my mother (for we are both procrastinators and had previously failed to purchase everything that I needed for school) and getting home two hours later than expected, I had to nix my brief meetup plan with Sam and Katie, which made me want to scream in silence as I waited for my bus to come for twenty minutes. [I want to see you guys as soon as I possibly can!] At around 4something I made it to Manhattan and hung out for a bit with Alison, Josie, and Lisa. More "goodbyes," which I handled surprisingly well, much to my surprise. I then had dinner with Anastasia at 8:00 at a pretty good Thai place on Bleecker Street. My "goodbye" to her was rather bearable actually, mostly because not counting the summer we only see each other every few weeks/months or so, so we're used to this by now. But it doesn't mean it's any easier than the others.
What a day, what a day.

And do you know what I missed this week? My xangaversary. I've had this thing for THREE WHOLE YEARS now. I'm baffled by that, truly... I was actually able to write here on a regular basis. It's been a pretty crucial part of my routine, and you know what, I'm gonna try to keep it up for as long as I can. It doesn't matter that high school is over-- this is, without a doubt, not the end of xanga. No, not at all. I can't promise you that updates will occur as often as they usually did, but I'll try my very best.

JeSuisUneRobot: I wish you the most stress-free drama-free year of your life

Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa, that'd be great! I fucking deserve it, too. Despite the shit that's happened, I'm so much more confident now about myself-- I know who I am and I'm not going to change to please anyone. Sure, it might cause me that heartache, but hey, I've always gotten through. In a year, I've come far. I've changed, quite a bit. I give so much, I care and I give and I love and I know that there will come a day when I don't get screwed over because of that. In fact, there will come a day when all that love might get thrown right back in my face. That day will be my best.

Freshman Orientation at Villanova lasts until Tuesday, and classes begin on Wednesday the 24th. We'll see if I can fit in an entry between now and then. And if not... call me! All of my contact info for college is right here:

WRITE!
Brigid Black
VU Box 2743
Villanova University
800 Lancaster Avenue
Villanova PA 19085-1679

CALL ME! (dorm room telephone #)
(610) 581-1084
cell: 718 753 2960

I will miss New York. And I'll miss Stuyvesant. And I'll miss you all, too.

Stuy '06, I wish you so much luck this year, especially my Spectator kids-- enjoy being seniors, you're all gonna get into great, fun colleges, and save a seat for me in Spec class on Alumni Day. You're all fantastic.

Stuy '05, you know how I feel about you, and I'm sure that our paths will cross far sooner than you think.

See you guys real soon. And remember, Philly's only a hop, skip, and a cheesesteak away. Visit me, and I'll welcome you.

P.S. You might want to check out this link.
http://www.unit.villanova.edu/announce/usnews.htm
Well, hey, what do you know, Villanova's alright!

Okay so work was killer today for a number of reasons:

-I had to wake up at 5 AM. However, instead of making the usual train trek, I was picked up by a car service... for free. It was almost wonderful. Then I looked at my watch and realized that it was 6:40 AM and that I was already inside the museum, and that is when all traces of anything wonderful melted instantly.

-You'd think that being on standby during a photo shoot would be fun, right? WRONG. Not this time. The photographers were snobs, the models were snobs, the makeup artists were snobs, the trendy people doing nothing but sitting on their asses talking on their miniscule cell phones were snobs, it was like SNOBFEST '05, BABY!
Oh, right, and the models kept having to change their outfits. Which they did. In front of everyone there. On the inside, I gasped and nearly fell out of my chair. On the outside, I sipped my coffee and buried my head into the pages of Catch-22 (halfway done now). Can't look too suspicious, you know.

-At 10 AM I was finally relieved of my duties, so I went downstairs to the office and nearly collapsed at my desk. As a result, I downed a third cup of coffee. Perhaps that wasn't the most brilliant of ideas... I could feel it surging through my bloodstream. That's slightly freaky. Still, I struggled to remain conscious.

-And if that all wasn't bad enough, at around noonish I had to say goodbye to my beautiful wonderful amazing co-worker Yesenia. She left work early, headed on a plane to the Dominican Republic. By the time she gets back to work, I'll be gone. Despite a seven year age gap between the two of us, we've had such an insane amount of fun inside the museum, at lunch, and after work ever since we met last summer. But I think she'll always refer to me as "kid" for as long as I'll know her. I don't really mind it, though.
I DISLIKE FAREWELLS, oh yes I do. 

[-Two minor good things about today: 1) I got paid and 2) I was able to leave work at 2.]

-However, I didn't do a single fun thing after that. I went straight home. Ate a turkey sandwich. Became glued to the laptop and haven't really gotten up since, except to do the laundry. Mr. Alex Yu gave me a call relating to the possibility of hanging out tonight and that's when I really kicked myself for abandoning Manhattan and going back to Brooklyn instead. Alas, today I was just too immensely tired; I haven't woken up at 5 AM in months and I forgot how draining that can be. 

But I find myself extremely restless at the moment... I need tomorrow to be good; I want my last weekend in the city to be as best as it can be. If you want to hang out and/or do something relatively amusing tomorrow night, please contact me, because all of the plans that I keep trying to string together over and over have consistently continued to fall apart. Which makes me terribly sad. I feel like I'm putting in so much effort and getting very little in return. Which isn't fair.

Well, I refuse to let my efforts go unnoticed. No one steps on me anymore. The number one rule in Brigidville is that bullshit will not be tolerated. Take me, or leave me.

Two in a Row!

    Okaaay. So I just found out that I have to be in at work at 6:45 AM tomorrow.
    Which means I have to get on a bus at 5:30 AM.
    Which means I have to wake up... BEFORE 5 AM.
     No no nooooooo I thought that after graduating from Stuy I'd finally be DONE with waking up at ungodly hours of the morning! Alas. I. Was. Wrong. Well, at least I can leave early. If I'm coming in at 7 AM, then I can leave work at... 2! AWESOOOOOME.

    But today-- aaaaggggh, the DENTIST, AGAIN, right after work. So I can't go to Vicky's house for her Bronx bash. By the time I'd be done with the dentist, it'd be at least 6:30, and schlepping to the Bronx would be far too inconvenient for me, being that I have to get up at he crack of dawn tomorrow morning. OOOH that makes me mad.
     Mr. Winkelman isn't in today, either! I'm DOUBLY mad! And really bored/lonely. Only two interns are here today, me being one of them. I guess I won't be bored in nine days. But I might be lonely. NINE more days. We're at the single-digit countdown now. Freaky.

    Looking ahead-- I believe I'm only working two days next week-- being that it'll be my last week here and all. Probably Tuesday and Wednesday? Or Wednesday and Thursday? I don't even know yet. Our end-of-the-summer intern partay extravaganza (AKA a lame-o but equally enjoyable pizza party) will have to be next week, too. Oh, AMNH. You've brought me employment, discount prices on almost-edible food, and free museum tickets for the past two summers and for that, I guess I'm grateful.
     My agenda for Saturday will have to include 1) going to the bank with my dad, 2) eating lunch with my grandma, 3) shopping, hopefully, and 4) going to the optometrist. What the fuck, first the dentist, now the eye doctor?! Going to the optometrist is absolutely pointless because the good ol' doc tells me the same thing each and every time I'm there: "You have 20/15 vision and your eyes are very sensitive to bright lights." Well duh. I've known and remembered that since I was... five? Four? Anyway. If I survive Saturday morning & afternoon, then hopefully I'll be having a kickass Saturday night. My last free Saturday night in NYC before... gaaaaah. You know.

    Jesus Christ, I can't plan my life for shit anymore. Why does my mom think I'm an organized person? Has she stepped inside my room lately? I figured that the piles and piles of papers, pictures and CDs would be a dead giveaway. I guess not. Two months and complete and total disorder and she still can't take a hint. Before I pack, I need to clean my room, or at least arrange it in some kind of manner that will make it resemble some sort of human living space. Organization. HA. I defy you.
     And right now, a seemingly random image from junior high school's past has crept its way into view in my mind-- all you Cunningham kids will get a kick out of this if you can remember. My sixth grade "baby biology" teacher, Mrs. Troisi, an absolutely loony and perfectly unstable woman (when I reached eighth grade, my once-precious sixth-grader brothers were later to tell me that she kept mysteriously leaving and coming back during the school year), instructed my eager class of ten- and eleven-year-olds to write, or doodle, or hell, even COLOR IN WITH MARKERS AND CRAYONS (in a modest attempt at creativity) this little motto of sorts on the front inside cover of our standard-size black marble notebooks:

          "ORGANIZATION IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS!"

    That was on the FIRST DAY OF JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
    It was also the beginning of my three-year (or was it six-year?) Perfectionist Period... I struggled to achieve some kind of harmonic balance with my academic performance. But it was a twisted nirvana-- without the presence of disgustingly high grades in my life I would fool myself into forever thinking that I just wasn't trying hard enough. So I bent over backwards in order to perform well. Incessantly obsessing. I was a pre-teenage chronic worrier-- thanks, Mrs. Troisi. Eh. 
    Thankfully, my senior year at Stuyvesant would teach me a lesson in loosening up-- a good segway into the emergence of CollegeBrigid. The Brigid of W. Arthur Cunningham I.S. 234 is somewhat of a memory to me... although I don't doubt that I will indeed be busting my ass off to make the Honors Program next semester at Villanova University. There will just be far less orderly busting... instead, I'm thinking of random megabursts of hard work cushioned by mellow but equally brief periods of slackerdom--err, I mean relaxation-- in between. And hey, I kinda like that. College-- it's academia at its finest, right? 
     Maybe this time around, I'll scribble that onto my notebook.

     Alright. Okay. I think I can do this now.
     Hi. Um. Where do I begin?

     Well, lately, I've spent most of my free time on my laptop.

     And, I'm becoming paler by the second due to the lack of sunlight in my life (rain + being cooped up in the museum all day).

     My weekend wore me out-- I fell asleep on my bed on Sunday afternoon for a good several-hours-long nap.

     On Monday, I had a dentist's appointment. Yes, another one. Apparently I have some pretty deep cavaties that need to be worked on, and my old school silver filling needs to be repaired, since it cracked. Pleasant, right?
     In the afternoon, Vicky drove over to my house in the hot red Toromobile. We proceeded to navigate our clueless selves into Manhattan, thanks to my excellent directional skills and her driving skills. Together, we're the perfect automobile operator. We then "tricked" Josie into coming outside. That is, since we were in Greenwich Village, and since earlier Josie had rejected my proposal to frolick for the day, refusing to leave her house, we figured that she simply could not resist if we were to park right outside her building and tell her to come downstairs that very instant. Mission successful! Josie will say that she was tricked, forced, fooled, etc., but in reality she could not help but give in. I mean seriously, who'd decline a sweet ride in the Toromobile? I wouldn't. So... we drove to South Street Seaport. Vicky got her earrings back from Lauren, who was at work in the mall, as was Danny Karp. We dropped Josie off again and then went for sushi. Then I was driven home, and Vicky was gone. I don't know if I will see her again before we both leave for school.

     On Tuesday, errr, yesterday, I had to go back to the dentist. Ohhh the pain. And I have to go back again on Thursday after work. Hopefully that will be it for this week. However, it's not the end of my teeth woes. During Thanksgiving break I need to get my wisdom teeth removed. Wonderful.

     Tuesday evening was far more superior than Tuesday afternoon. After receiving the shock of my life upon learning at Kings Highway that there was NO B OR Q SERVICE TO MANHATTAN, my heart nearly froze. But, my friends, I am a quick thinker and a highly knowledgeable subway guru. I needed to get to West 4th Street ASAP to meet Josie, so I hopped on a Coney Island bound Q train and took it to West 8th Street (in BROOKLYN not Manhattan), thereby transferring to a Manhattan-bound F train and enduring the 45-minute ride to West 4th. But I made it. Yes, I won the war.

     Josie and I ate at Joe's Pizza and then headed uptown to see... Rent. Yes, RENT, at sweet long last!!! Our seats weren't amazing-- okay, our seats weren't good-- alright, they were downright bad-- but the show was really great, so it didn't really matter. Some day in the future, I'll win orchestra lottery tickets. Frenchie Davis has an absolutely fantastic voice; I recognized her in the ensemble from American Idol Season 2. Alas, no Cary Shields as Roger, but Joshua Kobak did a pretty good job, although his voice was fairly high-pitched-- not what I expected for Roger, but he sang very well, quite an impressive range there. A little boybandish, but hey, I was always one for boybands, remember? Matt Caplan was good too-- I'm somewhat amused because I've heard so much about the actors from reading the xangas of Jennifer Hue & company that the show seemed quite familiar to me. That, and the fact that I've listened to the CD maybe about a thousand times this year. Upon our exiting the Nederlander Theater, Josie said she now felt "complete," I, however, being the melodramatic drama queen that I am, commented that I would never feel totally complete, but, this definitely brought me one vital step closer. And now it is absolutely necessary that I see the movie when it comes out on November 11th-- but that's only for NY, LA and Toronto! I have to wait until the 23rd until it opens nationwide! Damn you, Villanova, damn you. Anyway.

     I stayed at Josie's-- we got back at 11, ate ice cream and fell asleep pretty quickly. I had to get up at 8 today to go to work anyway, and that's where I am right now. At 5:30 I'm meeting Christina for sushi & fries, our old favorite... it's been a while. The nearly-invisible Hannah Pinski will possibly be joining us later, but not certain about that.

     I now find myself at the point where I must say "goodbye" to certain people. Family members, friends, even mere acquaintances. "Goodbye" really means "See you later" in this case... well, a "see you much later." It won't fully hit me until I'm in my dorm-- Delurey Hall Room 106, which means nothing to me right now (also I'll be posting up my college mailing address and phone number soon) -- next Saturday night, August 20th, typing away on my laptop, probably listening to music, staring at the walls and feeling very alone. I know that the end of this month will be frighteningly new and different, but I guess I can do it. Well, I KNOW I can do it. I have so much to do in the next ten days, clean my room and buy things and pack and meet up with my friends for a few more carefree summer city times-- I don't know how I'll fit it all in, but I must try. I'm not done yet-- I've got some unfinished business to take care of. Wish me luck.

EDIT: Hannah was M.I.A. (alas, as usual), but Dan Blech, Laura Coogan, and Christian T. McCusker certainly were not. Christina and I joined them at the seaport for some free (and surprisingly good) music. Did I mention how much I hate goodbyes? Because I do. I really, really, really do. Is there some way I can take someone with me to college? I'm sure I can squeeze one of you in a suitcase somehow. Because it's entirely doable. I swear it is.

Also, the deep and equally dark blue night sky contrasting against the tops of the white boats on the East River was a city kid's dream. Sometimes you forget that there's more to New York than polluted streets and traffic jams.