What is wrong with me???

This is a question I ask myself every Sunday

Sunday have become my days alone

No Family to love and no one to hug

Just me

See I would be ok if I didn’t see everyone with someone except me

But that is not my reality 

Crackheads have other crackheads

Just as Bobby has Jitney

I see different sizes from tall to small

All with someone

And I have watched a women enter more relationships in a month than I had in my lifetime

In moments like these I normal go back to the women, I deemed not right for me.

But not today

Because I have seen my light at the end of the tunnel

And she is beautiful

But even that word is unworthy

She is the reason God rested the 7^th day

She is the reason children Pray for Love

She is the warmth on a cold day

She is infinite and I hold her in my pocket right next to where my heart used to be

She is personification of love and beauty

And in my life, it has been my duty to tell her

The First time I meet you

My eyes embraced a beauty that I had never seen

Your Beauty was that of a fully adored queen

So I spoke to you as such

I avoided the truth as not to sound obscene

Because with the wrong words you could end you relationship with a queen

So I hid my feelings as spoke in pros

And I think you miss them.

Because when I said you where really “fucking” special to me

I meant you are so special you change the way I breath

And when I said I wanted out of the “race”

I was trying to get you to ask me to keep trying

And when I said that you hurt me

I was saying I just wish you would try to touch me

And when I said nothing was wrong

I just wish you already knew

Her Beauty crushed the world

From her beginning, she knew her beauty would penetrate the world and cut the voice boxes of those who choose to remain silent so with violent means her life she ended.

And he is the product

He is the lost lover of the dead

In search of what no longer exists

Faith in the rebirth makes him believe they will meet again

Sliced wrist with her blood barely bleeding

If only she would have known that after the storm, he exists

A love like this that could change the world

Those two where meant to be together  

Not for a moment but forever

They where suppose to be the yang of George and Barbara

Spitting out a spawn that could change the world

And from her womb would come a beauty that would have blinded God herself  

I live on the outside looking in

And I read other’s log as I watch their lives unfold

First Marriage then Children then death

And as I watch, the world go on

I am stuck like a kid that is too afraid to jump back on the merry go round

See I use Blame my fear of intimacy on my last real relationship

Because she was Beautiful and I was just me

Just Fat, sloppy, undisciplined Otis

But realized I am just so afraid to be rejected

That I am afraid to try. 

It’s called Learned Helplessness

Just that name speak of the desolation that I feel

Learn-ed  Help-less-ness

Just the name sound like a death sentence

Because if I learned how to be helpless

I can not unlearn what I have learn so am I stuck to be

Helpless.