Am in my computers lesson at the moment, really should not be doing this, but what the hell. Feel so ill, have just gone out of lesson to the toilets cause my stomach hurts so much. And have just puked up blood, AGAIN. I did on Saturday as well, whats going on? I now manage to puke without sticking my fucking fingers down my throat. I want to tell somebody, but I can't, I need to talk about it so badly, its hurting me, not just physically but emotionally, what can I do? I can't smile through all these lies anymore! I am making myself ill, and I have never been proud of it, and some of these PATHETIC little ''ana'' girls out there think its fucking cool to go round praising people, will they be so happy when they are told that they can't have kids? A family? A normal life without bad health? It's fucking psycho. I love some of you people to pieces, but I hate the way that some of these girls praise you for it. You mean the world to me, and I know that you can't help it. You know deep down that its wrong for these girls to do this. I can't take it anymore! You know what? I am not going to eat anymore, dead serious, I am going to show you all what this fucking pissed up disease does, I am not going to touch food. Just you wait, I am gonna be just like one of these little ana girls and hey guess what:

''It won't belong til I reach perfection, when I am the thinnest''

Whatever. I don't care anymore.

Hey all thank you for the lovely comments! I love you all so much! Party time is drawing near... 3 days and counting, I am very nervous there are so many people coming! *Takes deep breath* Anyways, yes, Harriet has become the largest fat cow on Earth, dead serious, I am going to fast from now til Friday then eat a little something then get pissed out of my head. I need to! Anybody want to join me fasting? Up to you but I know I NEED to! Desperately! I hate being a bulimic with all my heart. I am piling on so much weight its actually unbelievable, I think I am going to have an all night work out tonight... I really need the toning. I hope those pictures last time weren't too hideous, I don't know what I look like anymore, it seems to others that I have a distorted view of myself, even though I know I am so fucking ugly and fat! Yuck! I hope you are all ok, this was just a quick update and I will talk to you all soon, thanks for the comments again. Here's some pictures I thought were quite good! *giggles innocently* And the third one... all I can say is, well that was a bit stupid wasn't it?!

*EDIT* OK I was just doing some thinking. And I really miss my third councellor Kerry. I mean like I was getting somewhere with her, it also occured to me, I reached my lowest weight when I was with her. She didn't like, judge me and what I did. In fact, she didn't even try to stop me. When I used to freak out about how my parents were going to get pizza for a treat that night, she would say, oh don't worry just ask for one with no toppings, and pick the cheese off, then you have hardly anything to worry about! She would tell me the bad things about having an eating disorder, and what laxatives, purging, starving could do, but she never referred me on, I trusted her, I know people would be like, shes a councellor thats what you do, but I have such bad experiences with trust, I mean like getting referred to social services, there was nobody I could go to, I mean someone who was an adult and was kind, that wouldn't ''have'' to pass it on. She was amazing, and I miss her so much, I dropped so low again once she left, I didn't eat, and I didn't even think about it. Now look at me. Why can't she come back??

So, things at the moment, hmmm.... things are kinda screwed up at the moment, and god wednesday I was removed from and walked out of so many of my lessons. I just wanted to cry so often, I just want things to be over!! Really!! *Sigh* Please, somebody run me over or something? I dont know what to do with myself anymore. And I told a teacher the other day that I was bulimic, and she was so sweet to me, so at least I have someone there that knows and isn't leaving! She explained to me why people care, but I still don't believe her, apparently its because I am such a lovely person and that no one wants me to get hurt, and that so many teachers try to take care of me because they know I have changed and they can see that I am not myself. I don't know, its too hard to take compliments, I can't do it! Who could care about an ugly disgusting pig like me? I am horrible anyway.

Hmmm... just thought I would show you some recent photos of me, these were taken either yesturday, or last week depending on whether I am in my sexy uniform or not. Right...

 This is me and my friend Dan, I love him to pieces but he moved away at the end of last year so I don't see him very often.

 Same again...

 Ugh horrible picture, sorry! Yeah this awful thing was taken today...

 This is Amy, Becky + me. That is the colour of the sexy uniform I get to wear! They are both amazingly pretty and Amy is STUNNING DAMN HER!! ...
Then there is me stood next to them.

I am also haveing a party in 11 days, so I will get more photos after that as well. I hope all of you are ok, sorry I havent updated in a while, things have been a bit shite really. Met with Lucie today, for a chat, havent seen her in ages. But I must go comment on all of you now, I may update later, sorry these photos of me are so hideous and disgusting, but they are the only recent ones I have of me. (i.e. from yesturday and last week!)

And also, has anybody heard from Catherine ANA_Phora? I am so worried, her, Jacqueline and Lauren have been so fantastic to me, where is she?

OK so yeah, whoops, things went a bit lopsided- and still are. Unfortunately, that feels way too out of my control at the moment. Although the topic that was raised in my last post, is constantly scrolling through my head, I am focusing away from it and trying as hard as I can to distract myself from it, no matter how many tears I have to cry. Catherine, Jaqueline and everybody else, I love you so much. I am so sorry that I scared you- I am so glad that I can talk to you like I can with nobody else, you are both fantastic. I guess, theres things I really need to sort out, and I am finding a few things out at the moment which are not helping my case- can't write them on here I am afraid, as there are people from school who read this, but once its happened, I will tell all. I need to sort my head out- I need to sort me out. I want to be a new me, I just need a bit of a push... actually change that, I need a huge shove.