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| Ok, so life has been eventful, and then it hasn't been. On Sunday (Father's Day) I went with my mom and Adrian to my aunt Dee Dee's house. Everyone was there, swimming, talking, eating, having fun. It was nice to be around the family again. My cousin Chente left a gift for me there that he got in Colombia while he was there. It is a gold pendant with my initial and an emerald. I'm not a gold person, but its so pretty. I've been wearing it. It kinda clashes with my silver jewelry though. That night I came home and I talked online all night to Leo. I had to wake up the next morning to do an assignment for my English class. I slept like an hour and a half. I took my mom to work and then went to my grandpa's. The assignment was to interview someone a generation older than you. I chose my grandpa. But that didn't go over too well. He didn't have a whole lot of answers. At the same time, my doggie, Sam, was dying in the backyard. I said goodbye to him and they took him to be put to sleep. He was with me most of my childhood. I was so sleepy by the afternoon. But Adrian needed me to help him find a cell phone. We met at the mall, looked, didn't find anything, and I went home and went to sleep for another hour. I picked up my mom, came home, slept for another hour, and I was supposed to go to Sentari's house. I never made it over there. I ended up staying home and talking online all night again. I woke up late the next day, I slept like 14 hours or something. I went to Sentari's house that night. It was good to hang with him again. We showed each other pictures, laughed, watched movies and tv, and then I went home. That night, I was talking to Leo. He kept telling me he would call me when they found something to do. Each time I called, he was somewhere new. And then he would tell me, "We're about to leave, I'll call you and tell you what we're doing next." And then he wouldn't call. Him and Aric were with Lisa and Marisol, at parties. I wasn't included. Finally I called Aric. He asked me why I hadn't called sooner. I told him I called Leo and he wouldn't call me back. Aric said they were going home. I was so fed up with these people. I was reminiscent of the life I used to have. Full of friends and laughter and fun times. It was so great for me. That was me, that was who I was. Popular, everyone wanted to be around me. Now there was no one. I started to cry on my way home. Leo called to see if I was upset with him. I just denied everything. It wasn't his obligation to invite me everywhere they went. I just felt left out. He told me Aric was on his way to pick up the girls again and hang out with them more. So Aric lied to me too. I hung up with Leo and I cried all the way home. I was alone for sure this time. I left Adam, my security and comfort, the one who always protected me from myself, and I left him to be with these people who I thought would replace him, help me get over everything and move on with myself and my identity. Now I had no one. And that scared the hell out of me. I got home, put up an away message that would have scared the hell out of anyone who loved me. I put it up for Leo to read. He read it, he was finally concerned, but I don't think he was really. He kept telling me that he was my friend. Bullshit. Friends don't act that way towards other friends. I know that already. I'm not the naive person you think I am. I've probably lived more of life than you have! I know what a friend is, and youre not a friend. Youre a friend when you feel like it. We talked it over, I just let it go. The next night was the concert. I was supposed to attend it with Leo. I didn't want that after all that. Aric couldn't make it. What was the point then? I called Mina in a spontaneous moment thinking it didn't matter anyway, she wouldn't go. But she did. We saw the concert together. Leo called me in between acts. When I met up with them, Aric was there after all. Ok, so maybe there was something to be there for...And there was. We danced together, close...He leaned in to kiss me, I kissed him. While watching the show I leaned back on him, he leaned in to hold me and he held my hand. What the fuck does all that mean to him? Probably nothing. I wanted more of him. I'm so addicted to him. Its almost unbelieveable to me...how i feel about him. I always want more. I haven't felt that way in so long. My body longs to be next to him..I just want to see him again and again. He never leaves my mind. So incredibly addicting. Things unfolded at the concert to where we were forced apart. I didn't see him the rest of the concert. Me and Mina spent the rest of the concert together, which is how it should have been. We sang to each other, and danced together, which is how we used to be. But I knew it was fake. It was for the night, nothing more. I miss her a lot. I miss how close we used to be. It makes me even more sad that things will never be the same. I went home last night after repeated calls to Leo and Aric. I wasn't invited once again to wherever they were. Leo called me later in the night to invite me to Aric's house. I wanted to be near Aric again. I couldn't help myself. He's the only reason I went. Aric didn't care that I was there. I figured that out. He had invited Marisol and Lisa over again. They were invited before me, of course. They were just there to use them, as usual. Use them for whatever they had. Alcohol, cigarettes, whatever. Aric already knows what theyre there for. He tells me how pissed off he is that they're so ungrateful and use them for everything. Yet theyre always welcome, always invited. Do I ever do that? Do I ever invite myself, use what you have? NO. I like you guys for who you are, and enjoy the company you offer, for some stupid reason on my part. Aric figured out once again that the girls were there to use him. He didn't want to give them a ride home, he made insults at them, and I offered them a ride home so Aric wouldn't have to take them since he was so pissed at them. It was a last attempt to get him to accept me. Stupid idea, once again. He said goodnight to me, gave me a hug, and went home. I was stuck with the stupid girls that he invited over before me. I took them home, and I went to bed. Did he ever thank me? NO. Today didn't matter. I did my assignment for the interview. I talked to Leo today, and he just kept ranting and raving over Mina. Of course, thats how it usually is...everyone falls in love with Mina. I just kept telling him that they probably wouldn't see her again. Then he said, oh, well, ill have to let Aric know, he'll be disappointed...UGH, you ass, What an awful thing to say! He said he was kidding...once again, Bullshit. We talked more, I got over it. Leo told me that he wanted me to go out with them tonight. I thought, ok, maybe I'll give them one more shot, I'll try and be forgiving, I wanted to see Aric again..I couldn't control it... I got dressed and everything. I waited for Leo to call. Nothing. So I call him. He's at Aric's house. They don't know what they're doing tonight, he would call me when they figured it out. Yeah, heard that one before. So now was the time for the ultimate test....So I thought, ok, I'm gonna go to Coffee Plantation because I haven't been there in a while...I'm gonna take some time to myself, to think, to talk to some people, to figure out what I need to do for myself and my life. So I went. It was lonely. I called some people, no one really wanted to talk. I drank my coffee. I wrote in my journal. I relaxed. But then I was bored. Leo still hadn't called me. So once again, I called him. He was at Kyle's house, with people, they were hanging out and watching a movie. I kept saying that I was bored and had nothing to do, and that I was probably just gonna go home. He never said a damn thing. Never invited me, never said I could come over. Previously, I've always been welcome at Kyle's house. And then he said the one thing that pushed me over the edge..."What's Mina doing tonight?" What the fuck?! And I said, I dont know, we don't really talk anymore...and he said, "oh, thats too bad, Kyle wants her to come over so he can meet her." Ok, so my old best friend from high school that you just met last night is invited, but not me? Fucking asshole. I just told him I was going home, he never objected, and I hung up with him. I threw the phone in my car and thought about it all the way home. That was the last straw. I don't want anything to do with you people. I always thought Leo was the best friend type. The one person that I might grow close enough to to consider a long-term friend. Someone I could rely on. Aric, I thought, could have been a possibility. There were many things I was attracted to. I know he's attracted to me, but he'll never own up to his feelings for me when he's sober. Therefore, he's just playing with me. So Fuck You Both! I don't give a fuck anymore. *sigh*...was I wrong about this one or what... I really need school to start again. I'm going crazy being alone. I need to talk to people, I need things to do! I don't want to do this all alone. I remember what this was like..how I used to feel, that was over five years ago! Who the hell do I turn to? I have no motivation. I want things to change, but I have no energy to do it. So I started thinking about it. I need to do things that are gonna focus on me. Exercising..Yoga..swimming..I used to love to do that. What happened to my music? That was so much a part of my life at one point. Writing..I love it. Dancing..I would dance forever, if I could. A job would bring me money and fill up my time. I love money, I want it and need it, just get out there and do something. I want to..I want to do so much. I'm just so afraid to do it alone. There's no one to push me, no one to fall back on. What if I'm alone for a long period of time...will I ever get used to it? But at the same time, why rely on other people to make me happy? Why pressure myself to get involved with a guy just to prove to myself that I'm worthy? I'll figure this out eventually. Now I know what it's like on both ends. I know what it's like to be practically married, and I know what it's like to be single and to party at age 19. I could choose to do neither. And I think that's the route I'm gonna take..for now... | | |
| Ok, so this has been a seriously extended weekend...here it goes...So first of all, Saturday I went to a party at Kyle's house. I decided to drink that night and Megan would take me home. I got drunk, I went home. The next morning, I was soo sick. I have never been that drunk, or that hungover in my life. I will not go near alcohol for a long time after this. I never hope to feel that way again. We left for Vegas. We stayed at Motel 6. That night I met up with Maya and me, Maya, and Megan went to the MGM Grand and we ate at the Rainforest Cafe. Good place. We went home after that. The next morning we got up and went to Adrian's graduation. I was so proud of him. After that we went to eat at Lindo Michoacan. Maya joined us there as well. I saw a lot of Adrian's family that I hadn't seen in a long time, since we were kids. After that me and Megan took off to the strip in the middle of the day. It was so hot. We walked from the MGM to the Venetian, and back. We went back to rest and get ready for the Blue Man Group show at the Luxor. We drove the Luxor and valet parked. I ate Crazy Bread from Little Caesar's. I don't know why they got rid of that place here in Arizona. It's so good. Anyway, so we went to the show. That was the greatest entertainment I've ever seen. I've always wanted to see that show, and I couldn't get enough of it. Thank you so much Dan for that chance! At the end, we walked out and the Blue Men were there, to meet people and take pictures. Greatest opportunity ever. I took a picture with one of them, and then he kissed my cheek! He left blue lips on my cheek! That stayed there the rest of the night. After that me and Megan walked the rest of the strip (the other side). We went from the Luxor to Caesar's Palace. We took a cab back to the car, and we went back to the room. The next day we were so exhausted. We didn't even wake up until like 3 pm. We got dressed and ate "dinner" at Carrow's. We walked the strip a little more, going over anything we missed. We went back to the room, got more food, and then we took the car out for the night. I took Megan around to see my old stomping grounds...schools, apartments, favorite hotels, places I hung out at, friends' houses. We went back down the strip and valet parked at the New York New York. Megan wanted to go on the huge roller coaster that is there. It goes all around the outside of the hotel and overlooks the strip. It's so high. We went on it, and man, I seriously could feel my insides just smacking around in my body. Not a good feeling. I don't think I'm cut out for those things, and Six Flags is no longer an option. After that we drove to Downtown Las Vegas, which is sooo ghetto. It's the low-budget strip. It's kinda freaky down there too. Homeless people, crackheads..the works. Anyway, so we walked down the Fremont Street Experience, and then had really cheap breakfast at this casino called the Golden Gate Casino. After that we went home. This morning, we woke up, packed up our things. I stopped by to see Maya, since I hadn't been able to see her the last couple of days that I was there. Then we went to pick up Adrian and Jordan, and we went out to eat breakfast with Diane. We said goodbye to everyone, and me, Megan, my mom, and Adrian took off for Phoenix. Adrian is going to Phoenix College this year, and he's playing summer baseball with them. He arrived late cause he was still in school, but he had a game tonight, so he had to be there today. So now he's here, which is gonna be kinda weird at first, but I'm gonna have fun with him, like old times. So now I'm home...and I need to seriously reevaluate my life. Things are just so up in the air. I need stability, and I will work on that. | | |
| Wow...
Ok, so last night, me and Megan went to see Mean Girls, which contains all of the high school drama that I am so happy to have left behind. Wow, there were a lot of things in there that we had almost forgotten about, but things we had done repeatedly none the less. So we went to the movie, and as we walked out of the movie, I saw a guy who looked very familiar. I waited for him to turn around as I stopped dead in my tracks. It was Cody Compau, the guy I couldn't stop talking about junior year. He's so much hotter, but hes barely gonna be a senior this year..ew..The rest of the night we spent having some good laughs and then we went home. Today was just as unproductive as yesterday...and so tonight, I wanted to be out. I got sick off some tacos I had earlier. So I tried to recover from that. Adam called me to go out. So I went. It was slightly awkward, but nothing I couldn't handle. Things are looking up. And Vegas is only a couple of days away....Whoo!! | | |
| Ok, so the last few days haven't been the most productive..."Sleeping all day, staying up all night.." Monday I woke up really late. My mom and I ended up going to Home Depot to get stuff to paint the bathroom. That night Megan notified me that her boyfriend, Dan, a very great guy, is paying for us to see the Blue Man Group, at the Luxor hotel in Vegas. Very Happy!! I went to bed late that night again because I can't break the cycle. On Tuesday I took my mom to work, came back and slept more, and then I went grocery shopping. That was the highlight of my day. That night I called Adam in an attempt to smooth things over. But that didn't go so well. It turned into another battle and another attack against me. I survived and things will go into perspective soon enough. Yesterday I stayed home all day and then when my mom got home I went out with Megan and Sentari. We went to the mall and then to CP. We ran into Mina...yeah, interesting experience, as usual. And then I had a coffee. Adam called me to go out to play pool. I was surprised he even called. I turned him down though. I must have sounded so hypocritical, but I didn't want to play pool like usual. After that we went to Applebee's for appetizers and we sorta met up with Leo, Aric, and Kyle. But after that I went home, cause there was nothing left to do. At Applebee's I drank a whole glass of soda. I don't usually finish my drinks. By the time I got home, the coffee and the soda had registered in my system and man, I was all over the place....I seriously felt like running up and down the block. I had so much energy it was almost scary. My heart was racing and I was really hyper. I finally calmed down a couple of hours later. But I was up til 5:30 in the morning....I woke up at 2 today, in time to watch my soap opera. Now I am doing laundry in an attempt to look like I did something with my day. Megan is talking about going to see a movie tonight, so we'll see how the day progresses. | | |
| *sigh*...
Ok, so yesterday was interesting. I was really tired. I woke up late. We packed up and checked out of the resort. I had a good time there. Me and my uncle were pissing each other off since the moment we woke up. It had been a long week together. Anyway, we went to go wait for the whalewatching boat. We went to eat and then we boarded the boat. It was an interesting experience to be out there. Out in the middle of the ocean, you can barely see the shore. The boat bounced up and down with the waves. I was getting really sleepy. Then we saw a little group of seals and sea lions floating on this little thing out in the water. They were so cute. And then finally we found a large pod of dolphins. They were swimming with the current of the boat. It was really awesome to watch. They flipped around and stuff. I took some pictures. I stood at the end of the boat, in this little corner thing, so it felt like i was flying...you know, like Rose in Titanic. Haha. After that I started to get a little bored and then with the water and stuff, I laid down and fell asleep. You know that feeling when you wake up in a weird place? I've never woken up on the ocean before...It was really cool. After that we took off back home. The freeways were really crammed, and it took us a long time to get back. Me and my uncle were at each other's throats by that time. Finally we got into Phoenix and we took the rental car back and then I got home and went to sleep. So today, I'm supposed to hang out with Megan and we have to call Sentari. But I'm happy to be home. The vacation was nice, but home is always where my heart is. | | |
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