Come What May

Dear Morbidity,

How fareth thou?  I am currently stuck in a computer lab classroom thingamagiggy, and it's just slightly more than uber boring.  How's everyone else's end of the world?  Project partner is sitting next to me...ranting on Microsoft Word.  Yes, we are that bored. 

*turns to the computer of the other person sitting next to me and gapes*  Note to self: look up stuff for Star Wars Episode 7.  *blink blink....face is glowing*  heeheehee....heheheheh....hahahaha....
bwahahahaha....muahahahahah...
okies, I'm bored.  It's official...been official....*sigh*

How much more time till class ends?

Ooh...should I go Amazon shopping?  Hmm...I would like to purchase Bach piano books and such.  Damn, I'm hungry.  *thinks of chocolate crackers that in my haste was rammed carelessly into my bag.*

Anyway, I'll be going to other people's sites and stuff.  For some reason, I can't get on MSN here, which bloody sucks.  This computer's a wanker.

Kya~~!!!!  SW FANS UNITE!!!!!!!!

Thus I meet the point in my life when:

I'm regaining lost intellect
My room's been typhooned
My emometer...updated?  pfft  (It'll probably burn out by now...broken)
Mental stability?  since when has that not been an issue?

Don't mind me.  I just don't want to think anymore....or at least, just yet.  *looks apprehensively at Calculus book*

This is a rant I wrote at church today after going on two hours of sleep the night prior.  I don't know what to make of it, but it seems demented enough to be worthy of posting.

I feel especially grouchy today.  Just tell the world to fuck off for me, would you?  I'm sick and tired of letting myself be so gullible, so easily manipulated.  Why?  If I wasn't, I'd be disowned...which would be nice, just not at this point in my life.
I feel as if I'm slowly regaining the diligence that drove me to be ambitious at one point in time.  However, I also feel as if I will forever be scarred by the events that have chanced upon my life.  I wonder if I just keep getting the unlucky number or if fate's just being cruel to me.
My mentality, in terms of doing what needs to be done (e.g. school) is slowly stabilizing, but in all other aspects, I am a lost cause.
How much has this change affected me, I wonder.
How much have I changed over time?  Who was the person I once was?  Where is she now?  Or is this face that I now see destined to be me?  Was she hiding in the dark recesses of my mind, her strength derived from the shadows I bathe in?
Can I alter it?
Oh, how I long to die, but I know that I cannot.  I mustn't even think of doing it.  But if just for once, to escape destiny, to escape this cage I call home.  It is the selfish road, I understand, but don't all wish the same at one point in their life?  Why can I not have a moment to hide in the decision?  When one faces a nigh impossible leap, does not the wish to flee permeate the mind?....
                                                       ....To flee....
It's interesting how everything I have written thus far contains some longing to leave a place.  Even that one Rurouni Kenshin one-shot I attempted exhibits the same desire.  At this point, I believe I could write another story and achieve the same yet again.
It's befuddling really.  It's also frustrating.  I know I have neither the intellect nor the experience to comprehend these matters.  I can do nothing but try, and it will be to no avail.  Everything would be in vain, and I would've just wasted time on thoughts that will forever be left incomplete...much like myself really.  How ironic.
I feel that life is like tea.  Its only purpose is to sit there for years on end, waiting for the day it would be ready to be brewed.  Once brewed, it's only purpose is to bring feelings of contentment, peace, and calm to the people who consume it.  Then again, once consumed, there is no contentment, peace, and calm left for the tea.  There is no more tea left for it is drained away with time.
As we sit here idly, we question our purpose in life.  We wonder...if this is my purpose, then why is the road so hard?  Is there not an alternative?  A detour?  A way out?
If you run up a mountain path surrounded by dense foilage, your path is that of the hard road.  You wish to cut through the forest, thinking that it'll be faster.  You believe that, in the end, those around you will honor you for braving the dark forest infested with predators, quicksand, and the many other perils out there.  You think they would praise you for putting you life in more danger just to reach your goal.  Some may think that.  However, many others would probably accuse you of cheating.  Or maybe, you would be looked down upon because you took a shorter albeit more dangerous route.  You suffered through the journey in less time.  There might even be those who have traveled through the entire journey before you who will scoff at you for not being willing to complete your task naturally.
What is the price you'll pay for such a decision?  What is the consequence of being blinded by an image of false hope?
Life.  Existence.  You do not live to exist.  You exist to find life.  What is life?  Life is a span of time spent with a purpose.
What is the value of life?  Well, I ask you, how many times in existence does one live?  Has anyone lived a day that was the same as the last?

In the end, it all amounts to this:  What's the point?  What are you trying to prove?

Though I long for death, I cannot and will not grasp for it when I wish.  I merely exist now, but there is a life before me.  Life...the complex entity that proves to be more of a challenge, a thrilling ride, a long and bitter road, than death.

"I looked into your future, and I saw death"
"But there is also life."
- Lord Elrond/Arwen (The Two Towers)