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MiAna_ED
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Name: Miana Birthday: 5/14/1987
Interests: I am an artist and my medium takes on many forms. I am a webmaster, a graphic designer, a cartoonist, an impressionist, and a photographer. But most of all my body is my canvas, and I am creating perfection.
Message: message meEmail: email me Website: visit my website AIM: MiAnaED
Member Since:
12/29/2004
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| Good Bye?Hello girls...
I've had my suspicions for awhile that my fiance was reading my xanga... If it was anyone else I would have shut it down immediately and made a new one. But I was never really trying to hide it from him, he never asked. I kept it going because it was filled with things that I didn't have the strength to say, things that I had to say through another persona, Miana, to people I don't know in person. To me this was an opportunity to tell him things that I was too weak to say. But it didn't work out that way. I know that my eating disorder is destroying me and it was hurting our relationship, but now that I know he's reading it, instead of helping that relationship, this xanga made it worse. So I'm just gonna suck it up.
Yall know that for the last couple of months I've been trying desperately to turn my mind toward recovering but had a hard time completely letting go of ana... I've been pretty successful at breaking away from the physical aspect of anorexia but not the mind set so I have "bulimic moments" If I eat I feel horrible, and disgusting and worthless and depressed, but when I'm ana or mia I feel guilty...
I'm eating, but I want to learn to eat normal... not to much, not to little... In my attempt to eat, I've been eating way to much.
My goals were not really an attempt to get back into ana or mia but rather to gain control over my life and the things I don't like about me. I was trying to gain control so that I could ease myself out of this. But it's not working.
So with that I'm just going to break free, and yes I will probably be REALLY DEPRESSED because of it, withdraws, but I know that in time, even if it takes months or years, that it will get better.
I'm Sorry You Thought I Was Lying To You. I once told someone that, the man I wanted to marry, was someone who in loving me, made me love myself. You used to be that person and I took that away from myself, and I want it back. Thank you for saving me... Because if I hadn't started dating you again last may, I have a feeling I'd have continued with my 15 lbs a month and reached my goal of 115 lbs by now... and then some. You saved my life.
</3 Rachel
P.S. Thank you Sony Bony, you're departure gave me the strength to let go too. And to Anoreix Biotch for her strength.
 
NOT ANYMORE
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| ModelingSo I got another modeling offer. bare in mind that out of these only 1
is paying. but they are all portfolio building, which at this point, is
what I need... My portfolio is no existant.
My headshot was my senior photo (which thank goodness, was gorgeous,
everyone said I looked like a model). I also have a touched up softball
photo, it was from the individual shots you get when you play a sport.
It was my highschool team, and the picture was nice except from were my
makeup ran. It was windy and my eye watered but it also made my hair
fly around... very nice. The other two I have up are the two I showed
on here... my own work.
Any money I can get... I need it. damn school. I think I'm gonna wait
until after the quarter is over (2 weeks) to turn in my Ruby Tuesday's
application, that way I have school worked out. SIGH.
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| A Model OpportunitySo guess who isn't going to school next quarter??? If you guessed ME than you're right!!
My parents arn't going to pay, I need to earn more money and pay for it myself. -_-"
On a more positive note, I've gotten two freelance modeling offers. No high fashion or anything ha ha, we all start small.
But more on that later...
I threw up like crazy today.... tons.
I feel sick.
</3 MiAna
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| Day 3Fiancee is sleeping next to me... I feel a little sneeky doing this right now but I'm gonna be here all night, and how else am I supposed to update my goals? Well once I'm done with this post I think I'll wake him up and do things to him 
My Goals: Clearer Skin [x] wash and exfoliate every night [x] stop picking at pimples [n/a]remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower
Stop Biting Nails [-]paint them (this weekend) [_]sit on hands when fighting with parents [_]wear gloves when stressed with school or work
Whiter Teeth [x]Brush teeth every morning [x]Brush teeth every night [-]Crest Whitening Strips (next week...)
Flatter Stomach [x] 100 crunches (50) [_] EAT LESS
Firmer Legs [x] Walk up the escalator [_] Walk up the stairs to class [_] Walk down the stairs to leave
Regain Flexibility [_] Stretch in the morning [x] Stretch before I exercise [x] Stretch before I sleep
Tighter Butt [x] 50 squats (10, I can't handle 50 yet, pathetic, I know) [_] Walking stairs
Lose Weight [_] Stop fucking eating [_] count calories [x] 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink (2-3 glass) [_] Exercise
So the list will be updated as the day goes on, as I update tasks.
Tighter Butt/Firmer Legs: Walk Stairs I think I might have to give up on the whole stairs thing... :(
Gonna talk with my parents about the gym membership so I can go with them in the morning.
</3 MiAna
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| Day 2My Goals: Clearer Skin [x] wash and exfoliate every night [_] stop picking at pimples [n/a]remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower
Stop Biting Nails [-]paint them (this weekend) [_]sit on hands when fighting with parents [x]wear gloves when stressed with school or work
Whiter Teeth [_]Brush teeth every morning [x]Brush teeth every night [-]Crest Whitening Strips (next week...)
Flatter Stomach [x] 100 crunches (50) [_] EAT LESS
Firmer Legs [x] Walk up the escalator [_] Walk up the stairs to class [x] Walk down the stairs to leave (meh.. I managed 4 flights)
Regain Flexibility [_] Stretch in the morning [_] Stretch before I exercise [x] Stretch before I sleep
Tighter Butt [_] 50 squats [_] Walking stairs
Lose Weight [_] Stop fucking eating [x] count calories [-] 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink (2-3 glass) [_] Exercise
So the list will be updated as the day goes on, as I update tasks.
Regain Flexibility: Stretch in the morning I had to sleep on the floor instead of my bed... My body hurt and I didn't sleep well so I didn't get up early enough.... I need to get better.
Firmer Legs: Walk up the stairs to class I didn't get to walk down the stairs yesterday because my fiancee was downstairs waiting for me in the cold. Sigh. (Which is why I didn't know how to walk up them this'morning)
Flatter Stomach: 100 Crunches Regain Flexibility: Stretch before I sleep/before I exercise I didn't do any exercise last night! I got home late and.. arg whatever, they're just excuses but yesterday was a mess T_T
Well I disappoint myself, but I shouldn't really expect to be perfect over night... I'll get better.
I addition, my brother, dad, and uncle have been going to the gym every morning (early) I think I will start going to. They're there for like an hour. If I pick out my clothes the night before and set everything out I should be just fine. More on this later.
*12:05am Friday* Calories: homemade pizza: 300(?) apple nutri-grain bar 2 (1) glasses of lemon herbal tea (unsweetened): 0 1 glass of water: 0 1.5 large chocolate bars: 800cals
Final Judgement: 900 cals (under 1000...) DESENT
</3 MiAna
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