MiAna_ED's Xanga

Good Bye?

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 10:52:48 GMT

Hello girls...

I've had my suspicions for awhile that my fiance was reading my xanga... If it was anyone else I would have shut it down immediately and made a new one. But I was never really trying to hide it from him, he never asked. I kept it going because it was filled with things that I didn't have the strength to say, things that I had to say through another persona, Miana, to people I don't know in person. To me this was an opportunity to tell him things that I was too weak to say. But it didn't work out that way. I know that my eating disorder is destroying me and it was hurting our relationship, but now that I know he's reading it, instead of helping that relationship, this xanga made it worse. So I'm just gonna suck it up.

Yall know that for the last couple of months I've been trying desperately to turn my mind toward recovering but had a hard time completely letting go of ana... I've been pretty successful at breaking away from the physical aspect of anorexia but not the mind set so I have "bulimic moments" If I eat I feel horrible, and disgusting and worthless and depressed, but when I'm ana or mia I feel guilty...

I'm eating, but I want to learn to eat normal... not to much, not to little... In my attempt to eat, I've been eating way to much.

My goals were not really an attempt to get back into ana or mia but rather to gain control over my life and the things I don't like about me. I was trying to gain control so that I could ease myself out of this. But it's not working.

So with that I'm just going to break free, and yes I will probably be REALLY DEPRESSED because of it, withdraws, but I know that in time, even if it takes months or years, that it will get better.

I'm Sorry You Thought I Was Lying To You.
I once told someone that, the man I wanted to marry, was someone who in loving me, made me love myself. You used to be that person and I took that away from myself, and I want it back. Thank you for saving me... Because if I hadn't started dating you again last may, I have a feeling I'd have continued with my 15 lbs a month and reached my goal of 115 lbs by now... and then some. You saved my life.

</3 Rachel

P.S. Thank you Sony Bony, you're departure gave me the strength to let go too. And to Anoreix Biotch for her strength.

NOT ANYMORE

Modeling

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 10:02:17 GMT

So I got another modeling offer. bare in mind that out of these only 1 is paying. but they are all portfolio building, which at this point, is what I need... My portfolio is no existant.

My headshot was my senior photo (which thank goodness, was gorgeous, everyone said I looked like a model). I also have a touched up softball photo, it was from the individual shots you get when you play a sport. It was my highschool team, and the picture was nice except from were my makeup ran. It was windy and my eye watered but it also made my hair fly around... very nice. The other two I have up are the two I showed on here... my own work.

Any money I can get... I need it. damn school. I think I'm gonna wait until after the quarter is over (2 weeks) to turn in my Ruby Tuesday's application, that way I have school worked out. SIGH.

A Model Opportunity

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 17:20:33 GMT

So guess who isn't going to school next quarter??? If you guessed ME than you're right!!

My parents arn't going to pay, I need to earn more money and pay for it myself. -_-"

On a more positive note, I've gotten two freelance modeling offers. No high fashion or anything ha ha, we all start small.

But more on that later...

I threw up like crazy today.... tons.

I feel sick.

</3 MiAna

Day 3

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:21:23 GMT

Fiancee is sleeping next to me... I feel a little sneeky doing this right now but I'm gonna be here all night, and how else am I supposed to update my goals? Well once I'm done with this post I think I'll wake him up and do things to him

My Goals:
Clearer Skin
[x] wash and exfoliate every night
[x] stop picking at pimples
[n/a]remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower

Stop Biting Nails
[-]paint them (this weekend)
[_]sit on hands when fighting with parents
[_]wear gloves when stressed with school or work

Whiter Teeth
[x]Brush teeth every morning
[x]Brush teeth every night
[-]Crest Whitening Strips (next week...)

Flatter Stomach
[x] 100 crunches (50)
[_] EAT LESS

Firmer Legs
[x] Walk up the escalator
[_] Walk up the stairs to class
[_] Walk down the stairs to leave

Regain Flexibility
[_] Stretch in the morning
[x] Stretch before I exercise
[x] Stretch before I sleep

Tighter Butt
[x] 50 squats (10, I can't handle 50 yet, pathetic, I know)
[_] Walking stairs

Lose Weight
[_] Stop fucking eating
[_] count calories
[x] 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink (2-3 glass)
[_] Exercise

So the list will be updated as the day goes on, as I update tasks.

Tighter Butt/Firmer Legs: Walk Stairs
I think I might have to give up on the whole stairs thing... :(

Gonna talk with my parents about the gym membership so I can go with them in the morning.

</3 MiAna

Day 2

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 08:02:47 GMT

My Goals:
Clearer Skin
[x] wash and exfoliate every night
[_] stop picking at pimples
[n/a]remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower

Stop Biting Nails
[-]paint them (this weekend)
[_]sit on hands when fighting with parents
[x]wear gloves when stressed with school or work

Whiter Teeth
[_]Brush teeth every morning
[x]Brush teeth every night
[-]Crest Whitening Strips (next week...)

Flatter Stomach
[x] 100 crunches (50)
[_] EAT LESS

Firmer Legs
[x] Walk up the escalator
[_] Walk up the stairs to class
[x] Walk down the stairs to leave (meh.. I managed 4 flights)

Regain Flexibility
[_] Stretch in the morning
[_] Stretch before I exercise
[x] Stretch before I sleep

Tighter Butt
[_] 50 squats
[_] Walking stairs

Lose Weight
[_] Stop fucking eating
[x] count calories
[-] 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink (2-3 glass)
[_] Exercise

So the list will be updated as the day goes on, as I update tasks.

Regain Flexibility: Stretch in the morning
I had to sleep on the floor instead of my bed... My body hurt and I didn't sleep well so I didn't get up early enough.... I need to get better.

Firmer Legs: Walk up the stairs to class
I didn't get to walk down the stairs yesterday because my fiancee was downstairs waiting for me in the cold. Sigh. (Which is why I didn't know how to walk up them this'morning)

Flatter Stomach: 100 Crunches
Regain Flexibility: Stretch before I sleep/before I exercise
I didn't do any exercise last night! I got home late and.. arg whatever, they're just excuses but yesterday was a mess T_T

Well I disappoint myself, but I shouldn't really expect to be perfect over night... I'll get better.

I addition, my brother, dad, and uncle have been going to the gym every morning (early) I think I will start going to. They're there for like an hour. If I pick out my clothes the night before and set everything out I should be just fine. More on this later.

*12:05am Friday* Calories:
homemade pizza: 300(?)
apple nutri-grain bar
2 (1) glasses of lemon herbal tea (unsweetened): 0
1 glass of water: 0
1.5 large chocolate bars: 800cals

Final Judgement: 900 cals (under 1000...) DESENT

</3 MiAna

Day 1

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 11:20:12 GMT

My Goals:
Clearer Skin
[x] wash and exfoliate everynight
[x] stop picking at pimples
[n/a] remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower

Stop Biting Nails
[_] paint them
[n/a] sit on hands when fighting with parents
[x] wear gloves when stressed with school or work

Whiter Teeth
[x] Brush teeth every morning
[x] Brush teeth every night
[_] Crest Whitening Strips

Flatter Stomach
[_] 100 crunches
[_] EAT LESS

Firmer Legs
[x] Walk up the escalator
[_] Walk up the stairs to class
[_] Walk down the stairs to leave

Regain Flexibility
[_] Stretch in the morning
[_] Stretch before I exercise
[_] Stretch before I sleep

Tighter Butt
[_] 50 squats
[_] Walking stairs

Lose Weight
[_] Stop fucking eating
[_] count calories
[_] 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink
[_] Exercise

So the list will be updated as the day goes on, as I update tasks.

Regain Flexibility: Stretch in the morning
I couldn't stretch this s'morning because I woke up late -_-" I fell asleep with the phone open in my hand so the alarm didn't go off... But I'm going to stretch wen I get to my fiance's house after class.

Firmer Legs: Walk up the stairs to class
I went to walk up the stairs this'morning and the stairs on the ground floor are locked. So I tried getting off ont eh 3rd floor to walk up from there becuase I thought I remembered seeing something about the 3rd floor and stairs... But I couldn't even find the door to the stairs! So when the elevator came it was filled with people from school and I didn't wanna lookcrazy so I just rode up. I got off on the 9th floor and walked ot class on the 10th... Big woop -_-"

So that failed, But I'm gonna walk down and hopefully I can figure it out to walk up tomorrow?

Stop Biting Nails: Paint Nails
I don't have time, I'm gonna paint them saturday

Whiter Teeth: Crest Whitening Strips
II had them put away underneath the night stand because they're wasn't anywhere else to put them... So my grandma demeed them on teh floor and packed them away for a week -_-"

My Goals

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 10:11:41 GMT

My Goals:
Clearer Skin
- wash and exfoliate everynight
- stop picking at pimples
- remove blackheads from nose every weekend after shower

Stop Biting Nails
- paint them
- sit on hands when fighting with parents
- wear gloves when stressed with school or work

Whiter Teeth
- Brush teeth every night and morning
- Crest Whitening Strips

Flatter Stomach
- 100 crunches
- EAT LESS

Firmer Legs
- Walk up the escalator
- Walk up the stairs to class
- Walk down the stairs to leave
- EAT LESS

Regain Flexibility
- Stretch in the morning
- Stretch before I exercise
- Stretch before I sleep

Tighter Butt
- 50 squats
- Walking stairs

Lose Weight
- Stop fucking eating
- count calories
- 5 glasses of water/tea/sports drink
- Exercise

I start tomorrow

I Will Never Be Happy

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 07:38:33 GMT

** This my post from last night (this'morning) but if I don't change it, no one will see it**

I hate my family. I wanna die... Seriously, not exaggerating. I wanna die. Only thing that keeps me from praying that I'd die or from killing myself is because I love my fiancee and I don't want to hurt him. I care more about him than my own happiness.

Seriously though, they are relentless. They kept praying and praying that I wouldn't go through with this and now they're praying that I fall HARD flat on my face. (They told me this). They're not going to stop... I'll be married and they'll be trying to sabotage my marriage.

My parents pay for half my school. But, the loan is under my name, my credit.

Be home before 10 or we won't pay for school
Mom will pick you up or we won't pay for school
Go to church every Sunday or we won't pay for school
Go to Scripture study every Wednesday or we won't pay for school
Take a shower every night or we won't pay for school
Listen when ever we want to "talk" (for 2 hours or more) or we won't pay for school
PUT UP WITH OUR BULLSHIT or WE-WON'T-PAY-FOR-SCHOOL

Not only will they not pay for school, I'll owe them for the money they already paid.

I'd say "Fine, then I'm done with the bullshit, I'm gone. Have a nice life, I'm never gonna see you again" and leave... But I have no way to sustain myself, all my money has gone toward school. By leaving school early, I loose deferment and I'd have to pay all my loans upfront. I can't. So I'd have to keep going to school, but I don't have money to pay for school. If some how I did, I wouldn't have money to sustain myself. I don't want to mooch off of other people. They know I have no other options.

FUCK THEM.

I wanna throw up but they're is nothing in my stomach, I have no desire to eat and I'm talking to my fiancee.

Maybe I'll cut myself, I haven't done that in a long time.... I was never really a cutter so for me to feel this way...

Undelivered

**removed for my protection**
(comment me if you want a link to the picture)
This is me... Enjoy it while it's up.

OH
I have the devils mark on my back....

My dad said so. (Seriously)

Our First Dance?

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 12:12:17 GMT

So... wedding song. That song, where you share your first dance infront of everyone.

What should it be?

Me and my fiancee listen to.... Euro-Dance. We liek teh goofy stuff, adn teh stuff with good beats. I also really like Vocal Trance and many other eletronica genres... I was totally into happy hardcore and and acid trance for a while. Well, I guess my point it. We listen to club music.

So unless we wanna break out the glowsticks and rave away on the dance floor (our parents might die, though my friends woudl probably itch to jump in) we need to find another genre of sound.

I'd actually really love to have my dance be like a rave, give peopel glowsticks at the door, but I don't think anyone else would and my fiancee is more sigh than I when it comes to things like that...

Hee hee, I think it'd be great to wrap my self in glowstrings, with glowsticks in hand while dancing in my wedding dress. It woudl be so.... me. But I don't know, I'm a little sigh too, I know I could do it in my jeans... But my dress??

HA HA.

Well, question remains. What should my song be? Any ideas on figuring it out?

Mia Bitch Slapped Me

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 09:19:22 GMT

Me and my fiance fought again yesterday. It's not really a fight... I just don't know what else to call it. Because he's upset and he says things and I take them to hart, way harder than I know he expects me too. Than I start crying but I try and hide it and I'm usually succesful for atleast 15-20 minutes. I just make sure he can't see my face, suck up the tears, and muffle my wimpers.

If he sees me crying he freaks out and sometimes gets irratated with me becuase I'm overreacting but he always gets really mad at himself. He starts crying and begging me to stop, trying to hug me. Usually I let him, but when I don't want to be touched he doesn't understand that.

I couldn't handle being touched yesterday. As much as I'd love to have just layed in his arms... I couldn't handle that and so I tried to pull away. It was like a kid throwing a tantrum only without all the screaming... Just silent me, and him begging me.

I twist away, he twists wiht me, I go to the ground, try, anything to get away. Like my life depende don it... I can't help it. I... just... can't... When I get like this... I don't have control over my body anymore.

I can't even speak. He asks me to say something, and a million thoughts going running through me head. I don't know what to say, I can't get my mind to just settle on something to say. I go to say ANYTHING... and my mouth never opens, and my expression doesn't change. I'm like a ghost in a shell.

I hate it.

I can't handle it, all the drama. I don't make him happy anymore. I know he loves me... But I don't make him happy anymore. It really hurts. all these years that I've been hurting him. The crap with my family. IT'S ALL SUPPPOSED TO BE ENDING.

But it's not. I feel like... I will never be happy. Like it's a luxery God forgot to give me. And I feel like I'm stealing his happiness now. But I'm to selfish to leave him, because I want him, and I love him and I'd die without him. And as misserable as I make him... I know it would kill him too.

Stale mate.

And with that I am most definetly bulimic again.

</3 MiAna

Diana Fox - Running on Empty (On the Beach Remix).mp3