i don't write on here anymore because of who is subscribed to me.

Here is what makes me mad:

December 2 facebook:
"so i called my best friend at the time hoping for some support, but she blew me off to hang out with her gay boyfriend."

October 23 xanga:
"this is exactly why we had problems and why i am glad we are no longer friends.  when you're upset, you just shut down and don't confront it and the problem just grows worse.  here's my problem with you: you're a self-absorbed, pathetic excuse for a friend.  now what is your problem with me?  are you gonna say it this time or ignore me like you did all summer and then blame the fight on me again?  tell everyone about how mean and horrible and terrible and awful i am again.  steal all my friends away from me.  oh wait, all my friends hate you never mind."

october 13 xanga:
"god you've changed.  sometimes i see fragments of the old you, but then it quickly disappears.  i'm glad we're talking and things are good, but i wish you could realize how much you let yourself change.  everyone can see the difference but you.  i guess i just need to learn to accept this new you and stop comparing it to what used to be.

i thought we could at least be civil, but i really just want to you out of my life.  i'm so pissed and disgusted and just completely tired of this passive aggressive/miscommunicative fighting that's been going on the last 5 months.  i'm done with you, when will you realize your stupid games don't affect me anymore?"

"That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well - not "simply"
'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little- well- complicated
There's a kind of a sort of- cost
There's a couple of things that get lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed until you've crossed
And if that joy that thrill
Doesn't thrill like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens
When your dreams come true!"

a lot of this made me mad. i was doing so well, then i read this and i was just really upset. no, not upset. not hurt or disappointed or disgusted or confused or lonely. just... well i'm not even sure what this feeling is called. i'm not often at a loss for words, but i can't quite describe this. its something like sad, but a little bit sorry for you. remember me. that's not who i am.

but as i sat back and reflected over all of this, whether i should post it or not, everything significant that has happened to me lately, every xanga entry i've ever made; it just seems to repeat. all my problems. my relationships. my worries. my joys. its all the same. and the more i thought about it, the more i realize it all seems so insignificant. the problems and the drama, POINTLESS. entries like this do nothing. there are so many people with worse problems than we teenagers realize. more than "backstabbing friends" and boy troubles.  some people worry about if they will have enough food for their family for the day. they wonder if the cure will be found in time. if they will still be alive tomorrow. i often find myself thinking about this when i read what people write on xanga and facebook. there is so much more to life than this. i just wish i could tell people that.

i guess anyone who still reads this should consider it my official "quitting" of xanga and facebook. i might still use facebook for my photo editing projects, but i'm just going to either delete all friends or just leave it be because that would be a lot of effort, and i don't have a lot of that right now. i haven't been using either lately anyway lately, i guess i've just moved on to real life.

Ouch. [I had no idea it was so out of control.]

this sucks.

"I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of .b.r.o.k.e.n. thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

Alright. You have your wish. I am completely cut out of your life, so you can move on. You hurt me if that was your intention. And I am officially done. That's how it goes right? That's what you taught me? Now I know how Abbie and Malinda must feel. It's the exact same position. And I've seen you do it to so many others. completely cut someone out of your life because you felt you weren't as close anymore, don't work to fix it, just ignore them completely. yes. thats how it is supposed to be done. thank you for teaching me how to completely cut someone out of my life.

Remember Singing This Song On The Swings?

"The best day of my life is all thanks to you
Precious remembrance sickle rainy day on February
Few scenes from my life or moments mean more to me than our fine nights,
I remember like yesterday, the time of my life

Please don't leave me without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
As week days and week days ran once
I'll be found staring back in time"

It's been a while since I've listened to Starting Line. It makes me think about things. We'll see how Sunday goes. I think it is important. Who knows? Maybe I will just copy and paste last years entry.

Tonight, Tonight

BAH.
I think West Side Story is the only love story I like. I know that it is basically Romeo and Juliet, but I like this version because Juliet lives. Not because I like happy endings, but Maria has the really great speech at the end, one of total anguish and grief, and I swear it gets me everytime. It really is such a powerful speech, and it makes me think that some of it is worth it. Plus, West Side Story has some of my favorite musical songs and the best choreography. All the glissades, arabesques and grand jetes! Bahhh, I want the soundtrack or the movie for my birthday. *sigh*

"How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?"

I know thats from a different musical, but the leads have the same name, so it made me think of that song. And that quote seems a little more relevant to my life at the moment. So even thought I just saw West Side Story, I think I'm going to go rent Sound of Music.

I decided since no one reads xanga anymore, it really has just become a place for me to talk about whatever I want and not feel judged. And a way for me to look back on whatever I was thinking at a certain time in my life, a good way to reflect, and remember. but it is more interesting to read it from a narrative point of view. So this is what I thought about today.

-the lifeguard at oceans of fun called me cute. i thought i looked kindof gross today, so it made my day.
-i always thought i was the oddball of my family, but i discovered today i am a lot like my aunt erin. we have many inside jokes from today, i must come up with fake theme music as a joke for the next time i see her.
-i'm sortof worried about the first week of school, but not about the school part. mmmmmmmghghghghshghg! must not become my sister!!!
-my tan is nice. on my legs. and arms. stomach=AH. whiteeeeeee. i'll remember that anytime i need to scare someone, flash them my stomach! muhahaha! also, mental note, work on evil laugh.
-um, i really need to quit at meadowbrook. i dont like it there. brooktree is so much nicer. but i figure i'll just finish working the rest of the summer, and maybe they won't even open next year?!
-i want amy to come home.