todayy... i missed the young americans so much it hurt

so i listened to "gavin's song"
/after i sang it for my whole shower

then i listened to "dear mr president" and that made me miss lyrical
more than i've ever missed anything
and ashwin and bri cerrado, lindsay bridges, and lauren anderson.

i watched the last 30 minutes of "pay it forward" thinking i could make it through
/but i couldn't.

i also spent the day talking with one of my best friends about how amazing my world is
how maybe messed up our world is
how crazy some things are
sharing stories and experiences... getting on same pages
and knowing we'll always be best friends because there will always be stories
and when there aren't... well, that's when we make memories

i think i had my annual "i don't want to be friends with lindsay" summer feeling
and i almost succeeded in breaking off that friendship
and then she had to be amazing and i realized that i never hated her
and she isn't the "b" word...
/and she apologized and i love her more than anything.

...one story made me stop loving yesterday

i don't know how long that'll last.
i guess we'll just have to take it a day at a time
i know he needs a friend
and that's all i want to be... hoping i can handle that
but i'm banking on the assumption i'll never get that opportunity

i just hurt for him because he isn't happy
and that makes me really really miss him
but... life isn't him, nor am i in his
... i still haven't gone a day without thinking about him, i don't think.

andddddd that's about it for today.  which, makes it much more full than i thought it was.  i missed xanga.

/and whoever read this... sorry none of this was relevant in ANY way to your life. 
but hey, don't forget, i probably love you. <3

Currently Listening Mr. A-Z By Jason Mraz see related

hmm... everything that i own can fit in the trunk of my car
and i happen to think that's perfection
my heart is still as full as it was november 20th, 2004.   or maybe a few days before that
before it was captivated
... it still isn't separated... go freaking figure.

i'm getting back to me back here
and i don't like that.
i had a mini freak out yesterday
and realized maybe before young americans i really was crazy
i got that burning feeling
in my eyes, my head, my heart, my stomache
and then i didn't eat all day

ha... the old me.  so far gone, so foreign
but so accessable and surprising.
also... unwelcome.

i wish you knew the new me.
/you'd probably never give it a chance.

i guess i'll wait for the day you do...

Currently Listening The Last 5 Years (2002 Off-Broadway Cast) By Jason Robert Brown, Norbert Leo Butz, Sherie Rene Scott still hurting (incase you couldn't tell... hehe) see related

what about lies? what about things that you swore to be true?

too much

i have so much to write, to feel, to express right now
and no desire to do any of the aforementioned whatsoever

so i sit here, after seeing something in his eyes today that i had never ever seen before,
in all of my 18 years of existance
not in pain, in hurt, in sadness, in joy.. nothing
and he shared that today
.... and for a second i felt,

then i shut down again.

something needs to change soon somewhere before i end up worse than i had ever dreamed...

/or nightmared? ...no one says that do they...