Something about jealousy just brings the worst out in people. I’d like to think that I’ve gotten over that green-eyed monster inside me—but like I said: I’d like to think that I have. Maybe I’m pissy because I’m sick of school, or maybe I’m pissy because of a pretty recent realization: I’m awesome.

Okay, so that didn’t sound exactly how I wanted to…well, actually it did. Not to sound conceited or anything, but seriously, I think I’m pretty awesome. I mean, who wouldn’t want to date me. I’m funny; I’m fun; I’m a good person; I’m well educated; I’m down to earth; and I don't think I’m unfortunate looking. So what’s the deal? Am I not proactive enough? I mean sure, the balding soon to be 23 year old isn’t exactly a winning look, but I know that my personality more than makes up for my lack in the hair department.

Maybe that’s what’s the killing the entire scheme of things. Maybe my baldingness is just a large warning sign that I’m undateable? But I know I do a good job at making uncomfortable situations comfortable. I know that I am a people person. I know that I can easily connect with people. So what’s going on? I mean, I’m a damn good catch. I mean, sure the balding thing is a turn off, but at least I have to hope that I can win them over with my personality.

Everyone says that they don’t really care about looks and just wants someone who can make them laugh, or has a great personality. But after all this time, I think it’s just all BS. How many times have I heard people say, “They can be an adonis, but if they’re an asshole, it’s a real turn off.” There is some truth to that statement, because no one wants to date an asshole—BUT when it comes down to it, it really is based on looks. No one wants to admit to being shallow and superficial. We’d all like to think that we can judge people based on more than just their looks, but in the end we’re kidding ourselves.

And that’s the kicker. No matter how much I try to say that I’m a catch, that I’m such an awesome person, if people can’t SEE that, if people can’t see past my big ole baldingness, than I’ll never have that chance to show them what I have to offer. And that sucks. Scott, maybe you’re the one who’s insecure about your looks and don’t have enough confidence in yourself, you guys say. Sure, that’s somewhat true, but I’ve already gone on enough blind dates where the guys kinda balk when they see me, and even though I win them over with my awesomeness they want nothing more than just to be my friend.

I can only say that someone will eventually see me for me. All I can do is hope that people will begin to realize how much I can bring to the table and maybe just hope for that perfect someone. Even though it feels kinda hopeless, I just have to hold on to that feeling of hope. Or else I really have nothing else.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Tonight, something about seeing Tony act tipsy and start kissing other guys and making fun of me just didn’t sit well. I’m pretty sure it’s jealousy. I know that Tony and I will never happen, and I’m frankly not even that attracted to him, but something about it just didn’t sit well. I’ll get over it in a week or two, but yeah. I just wish I could keep my crazy in check. It seriously drives me well…crazy.

It’s been quite some time since my last post. Again, it seems as if grad school has taken over. But I suppose that’s how it’s suppose to be. Anyhow, from my past post, the situation has change. Well that’s clearly an understatement. I no longer care for that guy…well to be honest, it was more that it clearly wasn’t going to pan out and homeboy here had to move on. Or else it would have been desperately sad. That’s right people, I’m growing up and moving on with my life. Riveting, I know. I’ve also started to work out. I somehow managed to gain some weight and be the victim of unsightly bulges (and not the good kind) so hopefully I’ll be able to slim down again.

I think as a result of my exerciseness, I’ve definitely gotten happier. My wallowing in the crap hole has more or less stopped. Now I’m more stressed out about school and my family than really about stupid personal ish that I wasn’t getting over. Now that I was able to move on from such a low point, it seems that life has bitch slapped me once more. Recently my mother has been extra naggy and now I’m somehow more superficial about my own looks (please contain your laughter…and stop rolling on the floor).

I was taking a shower last night and I usually don't pay much attention to the mirror. I’m just in there to get clean and get out of there so I can finish up my work. Kinda sad really, I’m so busy with school. But last night I finally caught my reflection in the mirror—particularly the follicly challenged part of my head. It wasn’t a pretty sight. At the age of 22, this wasn’t what I thought I was suppose to look like. I mean, sure, genes play a great deal in this sort of stuff, but I never thought I’d be a prematurely bald twenty-something. I usually don’t fret about this stuff…..okay, who am I kidding, of course I do, but I somehow manage to just brush it off. And no matter how much I can see that other people have their insecurities, it’s still just not enough I guess. That sounds really bad, but it’s true. Everyone revels in a little schadenfruede from time to time. It’s only natural.

I guess this doesn’t help that when I log onto downelink, it makes me feel like an impossible poser. I mean, really. Who am I kidding? Can I really compete with these cut fit gorgeous men? No. But then my friends are quick to point out that they’re just that—fluff. Not much more than beautiful superficial people that has no substance. And yet, there are still some people who have someone and I just wonder: I’ve dated enough losers and freaks and wierdos that it’s time that I finally found someone of my own, no? I mean, how much more of this can one person take?

Then again, I’m not quite sure where this is coming from. As of late, my heart has again flopped to the other side of I-don’t-want-to-be-in-a-relationship. I gotta admit though, having someone just hold you in their arms is very comforting. But if there’s no substance behind it and it’s just some stranger, is it really worth it? Sure, I mean, I dream of meeting someone that’ll sweep me off my feet and romance me and make me fall hard. It’s everyone’s dream. But it just seems so unlikely that it’ll never happen. Aren’t these things of fiction? This is what romantic comedies and Korean dramas are made of. I know that I want more. I know that I deserve the best, but there’s always that little nagging voice in the back of my head that asks “but are you really?”

Not to be one of those superficial crazies (but really, we all are no matter how much we deride “that crowd”) it seems like even ugly people are able to find the right one, and yet…and yet some of us are just left in the dust.

I saw this guy’s profile on OKC and he’s the gorgeous, incredible sexy man. Yet he has yet to find someone. “Either they’re taken or not where I live or stupid.” I guess there’s some repose in the fact that even beautiful people can’t find love. I mean, what is this obsession with finding the right person to be with for the rest of your life?

I guess it’s the quest to find someone that can completely understand you and that will always be there for you. I think that’s what love is to most people. It’s not the sex, the money or the status. In the end, when it comes down to it, it really is about finding that perfect someone who loves your annoying habits. Who loves the little things, like the way you fiddle with your fingers when your talking, or the way you forget that you put your glasses on top of your head, or the way that you have to eat three bites of your salad before you can drink the soup. I mean, it’s this kind of acceptance that people crave for. You family, that’s unconditional, that’s an obligation. But to find that stranger who just adores all those things is, well, downright rare.

I think that’s what makes love so devastatingly wonderful. It should blindside you, it should knock you off your feet. There has to be some truths to those movies. I mean, sure it’s exaggerated, but there is some basis. Sure, we all want that fantasy love story to happen—but in the meanwhile, then what? What do we wait for?

Premeditated by human nature, we as people are just impatient fools hoping for our big break.  And in the rush of things, we want to reach that blissful climax of love at the end. Whether we sleep through cities of people, bring up walls that block people out, or isolate oneself in their work, our goals are still the same: to love and be loved.

Oddly enough, as I spew this bullcrap, of course I want it to happen to me now. I can say all this and know it’s true; I still can’t wait for love to happen to me. As a twenty-two, almost twenty-three, virgin (yeah, that’s right) I guess my biggest fear is turning out like the forty-year old virgin. And oddly, I don’t want to do give it up for just anyone. I’m more surprised that I’m still hanging on to that romantic mentality of “giving your flower to the one.”  But I’m sure you’ll hear it when it happens. I have BMS, remember? Big mouth syndrome.

Till another day.

I have to admit. I’m disappointed. I mean, his facebook profile says he’s single. Right, because facebook is such a good relayer of personal information. Heh, I know. I saw this coming. I knew something was up when he all of a sudden became unattainable. I mean, This usually happens, anyways right? I start to like people who I know I’ll never be able to get to. Which makes me wonder. If we know our flaws ahead of time, why is it so difficult for us to break these habits and move forward with our lives?

Vere called me with some “disappointing news.” Apparantly he’s been committed for six months according to a very close source of his. So these past couple of days (after my novel of an entry) I’ve been trying to collect myself into a whole person again. It hasn’t been easy. Needless to say, I have yet to complete myself. Yes. Completing myself. It’s been brought up time and time again: in movies, books, and real life advice—I should love myself before love will come find me. But who are these people who absolutely fall head over heels with their reflections?

I want to meet these people and teach me their ways. It sounds so easy, yet so difficult to do. Perhaps this difficulty lies in the fact that my self esteem has been at an all time low. Particularly now. I’m extra sensitive about my appearances (oh vanity) and I guess with what I have to offer. I mean, no matter how much my friends tell me I’m worth it and how incredible I am, I can’t help but wonder if it’s really true. I mean, that’s kind of a packaged deal with friendships: they’re suppose to say those things. I mean, friends are an extension of oneself and your support system. But sometimes. Sometimes I just need more.

I was hanging out with Albert the other day and I really wasn’t in the mood to see anyone. But I surmised that it would be best to seek out this friend. I hadn’t talked to him in ages. As we were eating ramen and browsing yet another Mitsuwa, it dawned on me. How great my friends are. I mean, I don't’ see Albs often, but everytime I hang out with him, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from me. It’s not that I’m not me at SD, but something about hanging out with my LA friends just allows me to be me. Albert lets me be who I am without judgement (not the bad kind anyways :P ) and, at least I believe, finds my craziness endearing? Fun? Crazy? Whatever he thinks, he makes me feel like I belong and that I’m accepted.

This sucks to say, but I don’t think I’ve felt like that in quite sometime. Always wondering and worrying what people think about me. Then again, I am going to a professional school with career minded people. During all this, all the students are all so conscious of our insecurities and what we’re unhappy with ourselves and try to cover it up as best as we can. Either through fashionable clothes, an affected persona, or even through laughter, I can tell we’re all hiding something from each other. But most of all, we’re trying to hide from ourselves.

I can spew all the “it’s the flaws that we love in our friends” speech, but until we’re able to see that for ourselves or even keep that in mind as we look in the mirror, we won’t be able to move on with our lives. Until that moment, we’re always stuck, and reliving our habits and relearning our mistakes. Until I find the self-confidence and self esteem to believe that I’m good enough, I’ll always be stuck in the rut that I’m in right now. And it’s true, I haven’t been trying all that hard to get out. I don’t have a good incentive. I guess my well-being isn’t a good enough incentive. I know I should try harder, but for once, I’d just like to stay down here for a while and just let go. I want to cover myself in darkness before I see that pinhole light beam. I think that’ll make that light at the end that much brighter. Then again, I could be deluding myself. 

To be frank, it’s just so easy to stay down. It’s so easy to continue our habits and never change. I mean, what’s the alternative? Break a sweat and possibly achieve happiness? Again, I know it’s easier said than done, but seriously. Since when have we really wanted to change something about ourselves to go out and change it. We usually need a catalyst, a grave incentive for us to actually do something about it. I already know that if I’m not more pro-active, then I’ll end up alone, forever? That’s a bit extreme, but that’s probably why, even though we know our flaws ahead of time, that we’ll never change. Unless there’s something to force us, as humans and people, to change, we never will. As much as I want to be all gung-ho about changing myself right now, I’m much more content wallowing in the crap that I’ve created for myself. It’s much easier, thank you very much. Until I can muster the strength to continue the good fight (usually against myself) I’ll be in this low self-esteem crapola for some time.

But you know what? I’m okay with that. I don’t plan on being down here too long. But if I decide to put up camp, friends, please force me out. We all need all the help that we need, and who else better to do it than our friends.