| | Something about me doesn't let myself have a good day. Everything will be going nicely, but then I'll remind myself of stuff that bothers me, and I can't help it.
I see a psychiatrist every couple of weeks, or whenever things get bad. Today she told me she loves seeing me because my life is almost like a movie or something. I guess so, stuff is always going on. Between all the stuff I do, the drama, and the shit that happens to me I guess that's true.
What has even happened to me the past two months?
Walking home from work one evening I was jumped. The kid ended up stabbing me in the stomach a little bit. My birthday... my parents never even said happy birthday to me, but I had a sweet joint birthday party with Melanie. Then the backpacking trip... Ugh, our campsite flooded, we hiked 4 miles to a worse campsite, all the roads were destroyed by mudslides, we had to stay in a bathroom for 24 hours, then Joe I and his friend Matt went to get the truck and we caught in a blizzard, then we had to ride what seemed like forever soaking wet in the back of a truck when it was freezing outside. I saw my friends in Oh, Sleeper for the hundreth time. Then the free Say Anything show where I had one of the most awkward moments of my life. I skipped prom for Set Your Goals. The I got a full credit for free since Santa Fe forgot to give it to me in the first place. Plus various almost fights and arguments. And lots of other peoples drama spilling over into my life.
It doesn't seem like a lot typed out like that. But it was. To me at least.
I don't like change. It seems like everyone's starting to go different ways, and have new lives. And the bad part in that is I don't see myself fitting into my friends lives anymore. I feel replaced. Everyone else has forgotten me and it sucks.
I don't fit anywhere. I miss being the most important part of someone's life.
Everything takes a toll. Every word, every gesture, every action. I treat everyone else how I feel on the inside.
I build things up in my head. I make everything way worse, or seem way better then they really are. Even the littlest thing. I over analyze every single thing in my entire life. Everything someone says, I think of every possible reason they said it, or look for hidden meanings.
My temper is getting out of control. I've been snapping on tons of people. At work, school... work. I even made someone cry yesterday and I didn't even care. I just got my satisfaction in knowing that I was right. And now I feel bad. I always feel bad later.
A lot of people say they don't regret anything because it helped them learn stuff about themselves. But I do. I regret so many things... Big and little. I regret things I say to people. How I sometimes treat people. The way I handled situations...
The littlest thing can set me off. I can be having the day off my life, but then one little thing. It always starts the same way. It'll be going good. Then the trigger (or no trigger, sometimes its random). I start get really anxious... whatever I'm doing gets sloppy, and I get frustrated. Then it just spirals into a full blown depression... my heart sinks to my feet and I'm frozen. The most recent good example of this was a couple of weeks ago. I got to work and the first 30 minutes was going very smoothly, every thing was running fine. Then, the trigger. I was on window at the time. I started forgetting drinks, mixing up orders, and I just got really angry. Then I lost it. I left work, I told them I was sick and we had extra people. Baz was there and we left and as soon as I walked out the door I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. Baz is a good guy, by the way. He knows how to help someone. It almost happened today, but I took control before it could. I don't know how. Maybe I'm learning how to handle things? Probably not, since earlier in the day I did lose it. I completely snapped at one of the teachers at HOPE.
I'm sure stress doesn't help me.
I think I realized today how much I was missing out on something. It was right there the entire time, and not that I could embrace it... it's gone.
Everyday just brings me closer to a future I know will be bright. I'm going to do something amazing. Everything is a test.
I can hope. "There was never anything false about hope" said the coolest black man ever.
And I will hold that close to my heart for the rest of my life.
Right now I'm hoping for a lot.
Next week will be uplifting. I know it will be...
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| | Posted 4/29/2008 12:06 AM - 0 comments
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