Mmm_Doritos's Xanga

Friday, May 09, 2008

Fri, 09 May 2008 19:44:48 GMT

my thoughts have been filled lately with so much new stuff. they turned on a dime, one day i was sure of something and now its completely different. and this time it seems farther away.

but who knows. weirder things have happened.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:06:39 GMT

Something about me doesn't let myself have a good day. Everything will be going nicely, but then I'll remind myself of stuff that bothers me, and I can't help it.

I see a psychiatrist every couple of weeks, or whenever things get bad. Today she told me she loves seeing me because my life is almost like a movie or something. I guess so, stuff is always going on. Between all the stuff I do, the drama, and the shit that happens to me I guess that's true.

What has even happened to me the past two months?

Walking home from work one evening I was jumped. The kid ended up stabbing me in the stomach a little bit. My birthday... my parents never even said happy birthday to me, but I had a sweet joint birthday party with Melanie. Then the backpacking trip... Ugh, our campsite flooded, we hiked 4 miles to a worse campsite, all the roads were destroyed by mudslides, we had to stay in a bathroom for 24 hours, then Joe I and his friend Matt went to get the truck and we caught in a blizzard, then we had to ride what seemed like forever soaking wet in the back of a truck when it was freezing outside. I saw my friends in Oh, Sleeper for the hundreth time. Then the free Say Anything show where I had one of the most awkward moments of my life. I skipped prom for Set Your Goals. The I got a full credit for free since Santa Fe forgot to give it to me in the first place. Plus various almost fights and arguments. And lots of other peoples drama spilling over into my life.

It doesn't seem like a lot typed out like that. But it was. To me at least.

I don't like change. It seems like everyone's starting to go different ways, and have new lives. And the bad part in that is I don't see myself fitting into my friends lives anymore. I feel replaced. Everyone else has forgotten me and it sucks.

I don't fit anywhere. I miss being the most important part of someone's life.

Everything takes a toll. Every word, every gesture, every action. I treat everyone else how I feel on the inside.

I build things up in my head. I make everything way worse, or seem way better then they really are. Even the littlest thing. I over analyze every single thing in my entire life. Everything someone says, I think of every possible reason they said it, or look for hidden meanings.

My temper is getting out of control. I've been snapping on tons of people. At work, school... work. I even made someone cry yesterday and I didn't even care. I just got my satisfaction in knowing that I was right. And now I feel bad. I always feel bad later.

A lot of people say they don't regret anything because it helped them learn stuff about themselves. But I do. I regret so many things... Big and little. I regret things I say to people. How I sometimes treat people. The way I handled situations...

The littlest thing can set me off. I can be having the day off my life, but then one little thing. It always starts the same way. It'll be going good. Then the trigger (or no trigger, sometimes its random). I start get really anxious... whatever I'm doing gets sloppy, and I get frustrated. Then it just spirals into a full blown depression... my heart sinks to my feet and I'm frozen. The most recent good example of this was a couple of weeks ago. I got to work and the first 30 minutes was going very smoothly, every thing was running fine. Then, the trigger. I was on window at the time. I started forgetting drinks, mixing up orders, and I just got really angry. Then I lost it. I left work, I told them I was sick and we had extra people. Baz was there and we left and as soon as I walked out the door I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. Baz is a good guy, by the way. He knows how to help someone. It almost happened today, but I took control before it could. I don't know how. Maybe I'm learning how to handle things? Probably not, since earlier in the day I did lose it. I completely snapped at one of the teachers at HOPE.

I'm sure stress doesn't help me.

I think I realized today how much I was missing out on something. It was right there the entire time, and not that I could embrace it... it's gone.

Everyday just brings me closer to a future I know will be bright. I'm going to do something amazing. Everything is a test.

I can hope. "There was never anything false about hope" said the coolest black man ever.
And I will hold that close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Right now I'm hoping for a lot.
Next week will be uplifting. I know it will be...

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 14:42:55 GMT

you know what the worst feeling in the world is? being replaced.
and being forgotten.
that shit sucks.

i am so ready to move

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:49:12 GMT

shits been better.
i've been super sick since monday
i dont get to walk with my classs
and according to my teacher i might not even graduate on time
i could finish in summer school tho...
and worst of all i feel like my best friends have abandoned me.
shits been better. way better

going to out of state school sounds better and better everyday. maybe when i come back in 4 years, everyone's problems will be taken care of. I can see which people turned out nicely and which people ended up cooking meth in logan county, or who's still in school or still at taco bell.

i'm mainly worried about the people that wont make it out of oklahoma or taco bell.
and it seems like more and more of my friends are headed that way...

or ill just go and get forgotten about entirely... yea, thats probably what will happen

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:46:14 GMT

I wish I was dreaming.
That I could wake up tomorrow, and I wouldn't feel so empty. I wouldn't feel so empty. I would be able to enjoy things the way they are and not want anything more. I hate how I go into these moods out of no where and shut out everyone. Maybe I'm bipolar, and if so then it's getting worse.
I need to find something to give me reason. I prayed for it once before, and He gave me hope in graduation. But for some reason I still feel worthless. And my motivation comes and goes just as often as my mood changes. Just this morning I felt amazing and got a lot of work done, but for the past few hours I've just felt like moping around, doing nothing. It's so hard to stay focused.

I need something.

I think I should start changing the way things go. Starting today. I just need the motivation

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 00:00:58 GMT

i really wish i would've gotten help for my depression. i know things arent terrible, but i cant help but let everything take the best of me. It really sucks when you don't have anyone there to give you a positive word. It seems like everything I've heard from anyone for the past forever has just been them telling me i cant do something, or putting me down in some way, and even if you're joking it really sucks. Especially right now, when I dont feel like anything is going my way. Nothing at all. I feel like everyone's constantly attacking me, even if they aren't. I wish someone would at least act like they cared what I had to say or how I felt. All I want is someone to talk to

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:53:48 GMT

I should stop jumping to conclusions.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 01:24:27 GMT

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was sit back while you hurt yourself and there was nothing I could do. For no reason I felt it was in some way my fault.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:20:00 GMT

fucking hell man.
i really wish i could handle myself better then i do. i really wish that this would all be over and it wouldnt bother me anymore.

why... :(

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:39:11 GMT

2007 sucked becuase I let it suck.

Never again!