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| I was never a very disobedient child growing up, well at least I don't remember myself being. I was usually the one who did what was told, and followed instruction. However yesterday I was confronted with a memory, sort of funny to me. When I was about 15 or so my dad decided to add a screened porch to the back of our house. It just so happened that the roof of that room was placed directly outside my bedroom window. Being the teenager I was I saw this as the perfect opportunity to sneak out onto the roof either to sunbathe or talk on the phone late at night when I was supposed to be in bed. Both I was told not to do. I figured in my mind that what mom and dad don't know won't hurt... don't bet on that saying. As we all know, laying out on a black shingled roof would attract the most sun, thus I would tan faster. After a few weeks of getting away with this, my dad decided to come home early one day just in time to see me climbing out of my window onto the roof. He was a little upset but only yelled at me to get back inside, not saying much... that's not usual of him. The next day I come home from school and go yet again to climb onto the roof (you'd think I would have listened!) Low and behold my screen was screwed into my window sill so I could not remove it. Being the wonderfully obedient daughter that I was, I marched down stairs and got a screw driver. Wasn't I soo clever! Thinking dad would never notice I took out the screws and tanned that afternoon. I came home the following day again to find that my screen was screwed back into my window sill but from the outside and with about 15 screws. he also put all the ladders up on the rafters of the shed so that I could not climb up there. I guess my dad knows me better than I thought. Yesterday, quite a few years later, I decided that it's about time to remove those screws. I got a ladder, climbed up on the roof and took out ever single placed screw. I layed out on that roof with the biggest sense of satisfaction. What a dork I am, huh? On top of that I barely got any sun to show for it. Well, there is always tomorrow!!  | | |
| "Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry.
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind,
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on
To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long.
I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight.
Cause everyone wants everyone else's everything.
Sometimes the more we have the less we really gain.
I'm tired of loving all that money has to buy.
Get out of my mind, out of my heart, leaving you behind.
Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on.
God, I can't keep living life for things I know are wrong.
Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life.
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight.
Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and birds.
God is always taking care of natures every need,
And how much more important in the Father's eyes are we.
He sees everything."
-33 Listen | | |
| Okay, so just when I think I have it figured out, I change my mind. Sometimes I really don't understand myself at all. There are some options I am trying to decern about myself.
1) I have a hard time finding contentment with my life or
2) I am too restless, Need to have constant change or
3) I just can't make up my mind or
4) God is simply showing me His humor
I have begun my new life here at home. I have found peace with my family, readjusted and accepted what I have been handed. In my trip to Texas this week I have also done the same with all those mistakes and hard times I faced there. I don't think I have felt this unburdened and light in years (if that). A new restlessing has entered my life in route back to home. I want to finish out my school in Texas. Seriously, only God knows why I have suddenly changed my mind. Maybe it's the sense of freedom and being far away from all the drama at home that I miss. More than that, it's the fact that I feel I have run away from that part of my life, that I want to prove to myself I can finish in Texas without falling again. I almost see my two years there as a failure, and I want to do it again better. Plus, I miss the atmosphere, the people, the caring faculty and my church there. It's so complicated. I don't want to leave my Mike here either. I love him too much, I couldn't handle a long distance relationship. I just can't seem to stay out of these dilemas. I think I'll give it a couple of weeks, pray hard about it, and see how I feel then.
Complicated.... Complicated.
Apparently after taking a Super Hero Quiz, I am most like Storm. I am always fighting a storm or waiting for one to come around! Ha. Isn't that the truth of my life...
Storm
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| I had a sudden realization about myself just now. I have a close somebody who I have been witnessing to, in what seems all the wrong ways, but never the less... in my effort to reach him I have been reading a great book called The Case For Faith. Through a series of tragic deaths in his family, my friend gave up the hope that a caring and loving God really wants a relationship with us. While he doesn't deny the existance of God, he just simply doesn't believe God possibly loves us. In my reading I have realized a lot of logical approaches to presenting the fact the God does love us as His own and wants us to be His own. I began questioning within my own heart the value of God's love and I began questioning, "God does love me, but why has my life been so mucked up so far?" "Why couldn't things have been different. Why do I have to struggle a daily battle against seemingly unrelentless demons?" While many may think that my questioning is steming from weak faith, I beg to difer that opinion and believe God is big enough to handle my moments of doubt. So, in my effort to set myself back on track and desprately searching for ways to reach my friend, through reading, I also realized I was relying too much on myself to reach Him. Instead of handing the reigns over to God I have been stressing myself over how I was to break through to him. Looking for answers in all the wrong places and putting the responibility on myself to reach him, I seemed to have forgotten the whole purpose of witnessing... letting God do His thing. Afterall, God has His own way and His own timing. Who knows, my friend may not even be reached through me. Thinking back, I was not reached by the loved ones witnessing to me every moment they got, but by those who by example simply loved me. So, I will just love him and wait for those moments when God works His grace. Patience is a virtue. | | |
| wow. so much time has passed. It is amazing how things change and turn. I never end up where I had planned. I never reach the destination I set for myself. I never expected to end up back at home, working, not returning to TX. I went to Texas a few weeks ago to pack up my belongings and move them back home. My biggest fear was arriving there and realizing how much I would miss the place. Quite the opposite happened instead. I didn't regret my decision at all and felt excited to be returning home. I know I made the right choice. Another beautiful example of God's all surpassing wisdom. he knew what would be best for me. My decision was truly for the best. I fought and fought God on moving back home. fighting led me to more destruction which only complicated the whole situation more than it could have been. Back in July I decided to never fight God on anything again. Yet here I am fighting yet another tug in my heart. I know God has a plan for me, but yet again I can't decern between my feelings and God's desire. God is my first love. i must remain committed to Him. The warfare doesn't stop. | | |
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