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Friday, May 16, 2008

Crazy chicks.
I love them.
.

I haven't been recording any of my intake today. Lame.

1/2 apple. 45 cals.
strawberry, pomegranate, blueberry slush. 60 cals.
2 pieces of toast. 200 cals.
canola oil. 120 cals.
3 bites of Kashi cereal and soymilk. 100 cals.
8 Crackers. 120 cals.
Chicken Soup. 220 cals.
more fucking bread. 100 cals.
fucking chocolate. 300 cals.
Emergen-C. 35 cals.
Strawberries, apple. 60 cals.
handful of raisins. 80 cals.
tuna. 130 cals.

Too much fucking food.
1570 cals.

If I could purge it all I would.

Stretching?

TBA
In order to truly be ana...you have to allow the sickening mentality of it to sink into your flesh, your bones, your mind. Let the entire feeling of deprivation, starvation, mutilation, flow through your veins.
Become closely associated with the feeling of desparity when you are forced to eat by others.
Recognize the unceasing desire to be smaller and better, and the itching irritation with your own flesh and fat.
You are bones and anything stopping you from that is hindering your beauty.
Jealousy.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Scale says 115.
I need to start working out again.

I kissed him with all of my heart.
But I know that I can't do this...
He loves me.
But he's just my best friend.

malt-o-meal. 100 cals.
toast. 80 cals.
soy milk. 110 cals.
Emergen-C. 35 cals.
chicken. 120 cals.
broccoli.45 cals.
8 crackers. 90 cals.
2 pieces of toast. 200 cals.
780.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Breakfast-
1/4 cup of oatmeal with protein powder. 200 cals.
1/2 piece of toast. 50 cals.
1 cup of soymilk. 110 cals.
Lunch-
Tuna and Organic Sprout bread. 180 cals.
Dinner -
Boca burger and crackers. 180 cals.

45 mins of tennis.

Oh blah.
Scale says a solid 116.
That means I've lost weight. Whoooop.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm trying to avoid binging.
I'm not hungry at all but I'm craving like a bitch//
I'm looking up pictures and tips but I still feel tempted.
Lame.

Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preservere and you will find a joy in overcomming obstacles.
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.
Craving is only a feeling.
The difference between want and need is self-control.
Hunger hurts, but starving works.
Bones are clear and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.
Eat less, weigh less, fail less, feel less.
I feel better...

Update:
I am so glad I escaped that binge.
I'm still a little upset over my boy.
He's posted pictures of him "and his girl" on myspace...it just pisses me off.
I mean, a week ago all he could talk about was how much happier I made him.
I guess it's all bullshit anyway.
He's pathetic.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I hope I skip Bargaining and Depression.
I'd rather just stay upset with him and then just get over it.
I'm going to try for 600 today.
The strange part is. I'm never hungry...I could skip eating all day. But the second food passes my lips, it's like I go insane and start craving or feeling as though one more bite of everything won't hurt. I hate food...it's sinful and sickening. But I have to eat it. And when I do, it controls me. I want to beat this so bad.
Right now, I forced myself to drink the fruit drink. I made sure to make it bland.
I need to eat something else before I leave, otherwise I might binge during lunch...but I don't want to eat a damn thing. I could definitely go days without eating...but I don't want to kill my metabolism. It's such a sensitive thing. Ah, fuck it.
I'm stronger than a craving.
How do I beat this?
I want to be healthy...and delicate.
I don't want to starve the way I did before. Kill my metabolism and then binge my heart away because I'm still unhappy with myself. I do love my body now...I do. That's why I want to eat what keeps it thriving...but I hate it all so much...

Snack-
1/2 protein fruit smoothie. 100 cals?
Breakfast-
bowl of soup. 100 cals.
3 crackers. 30 cals.
1 1/2 pieces of bread. 194.
Lunch-
Chicken soup. 130 cals.
5 scones. 600 cals?

45 mins of tennis. - 246

600-1154=-554+246 = 308 over.
Hopefully I can burn that off at work tonight.
I'm going to carry every box that comes in...
Update:
Big breakfast. The rest of the day I'm having fruits. Low cal. Lots of energy.
I have to go to work tonight so I won't have to worry about binging.
And I have to go to the dentist at 2 so I'll have super clean teeth.
I hope she doesn't bitch at me about purging again..
Last time I went, the lady talked to me for about an hour about her bulimic/anorexic daughter.
My teeth are fine, but my gums are fucked. I guess she noticed.
I don't want to hear it...

Update:
I feel worthless.
At lunch...Everyone watched me with eager anticipation. I had been avoiding the plate laid out on the table as best as I could. They sat around, devouring their sickness and urging me to join. Pathetic. Why do I go to lunch with people who make me eat?
Scones...I have no idea how many calories are in them. No idea. They are homemade. That's the problem with homemade shit...you don't know how much you're taking in.
I ate five. After the first one, my bulimia kicked in and I automatically assumed that I could binge afterward...I couldn't. That shit just sat in my stomach.
They're hollow scones but what does that matter...I have no idea..then I got home and ate a little and then purged everything I could...

By the way...my dentist said my gums were perfect.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I am horrifically depressed.
My boy left me.
We weren't really together, but I thought that that was okay.
We had so much fun together and there were no attatchments.
I adored his eyes and the way he looked at me.
But he wanted "a relationship"
so he went back to her..
she hates me.

I get this text last night saying, "I'm getting back together with her, I don't think we should talk anymore."
3 months of me and he cuts it off like that...

Was I not worth it?
I guess not.
I've been crying non-stop.
I never feel this much pain over something so pathetic.
I didn't want to be with him..did I?
Then why does this hurt so bad?
I'm going to try to stick to a 1000 calorie intake.
This will keep my metabolism up until I get to 105 and then I'm going to decrease to 960.

I think it's so amazing that two of them exist.
They're so beautiful.

Update: I really wish I wouldn't have had that money stolen...I'm craving some white ladies right now.
Or some alcohol...
Running from my feelings.
Hiding from my sadness.
Mask that hides me.

Soup. 100 cals.
Soymilk. 110 cals.
1/2 apple. 40 cals?
chai latte. ugh, 190 cals.
Ugh...total binge.
2 pieces of bread. Bowl of soup. 7 crackers. 2 eggs. = 540 cals?
Fruit smoothie. 220 cals.
No problem. I'm done eating for the day. I didn't want to eat anyway...

20 min walk. -127 cals.
10 min walk. -63 cals.

1000-1200= -200 +190 =
10 cals over!
Lame.