Modelboy06's Xanga

In the Cathedrals of New York and Rome...

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:17:44 GMT

I need to be making new memories, not giving all of my focus to old ones. I want certain songs to just be songs again, and I need them to stop making my insides curl. I don't know why I miss her, and I'm pretty sure there's not going to be another chance. The funny part is I didn't even realize when I was missing the first one.

I hope.

I really do.

I hope so much these days, though...

...does hope ever run out?

"...I feel so low tonight..."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:02:15 GMT

Cheap tequila.

I'm irrational, but only because i just couldnt seem to fit sanity into the situation.

well im dripping sweat......but at least ive finnally figured out just how fast it takes love to turn to anger, and who knows, maybe ill decide that im just being dumb, and we can all get back to our regular routine soon, cause you know ive got to keep stocking up on bitterness.

Ha ha ha, im so very selfish...its sickening.

thank goodness for wisdom and rationality and grace, they would be so helpful if it was any other two people.

Well you two are just rays of fucking sunshine, aren't you?

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:33:58 GMT

Good thing I only like you both for your hot bodies.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 05:15:16 GMT

"Don't ever change."

Stereotypical romantic phrase that, when broken down, is just another selfish demand made by individuals who are afraid that their perfect little fishbowl will be shattered.

Ride with the change, my friends, or get left behind.

Good goodbye, tinsel shine.

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 03:12:08 GMT

I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
I said my goodbye's this is my sundown.
I'm gonna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
No one cares.
I could be so much more than this.
No one cares.
I wanna be so much more than this.
No one cares.
Good Goodbye, lovely time
Good Goodbye, tinsel shine
Good Goodbye, I'll be fine
Good Goodbye, good goodnight.

What do I want for my birthday?...I want to be productive again, I want for my father to stop viewing me as worthless, I want warm days and cool rides and simplicity.

...I want to stop being so fucking lonely every night when I sit here staring at this screen.

"I wanna be so much more than this..."

I am selfish, I am wrong.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 03:01:23 GMT

"This is because I can spell confusion with a K and I can like it. It's to dying in anothers arms and why I had to try it..."

I don't know much, sometimes I forget that. I was never good at my own fishbowl, but I've never been able to admit that when I need it would do any good. I'm sick of these days, they make me so insane.

The worst part of it all? This all results from me being damn lonely. The triangle dynamic used to be something I could handle. Now the thought of it depresses the shit out of me. Lonely and stupid.

Regardless, this isn't your fault. I've got to work through my shit instead of blaming my sadness on two people who would never intentionally hurt me. Things aren't what they used to be, and there's nothing to fix that. I guess its not even something that really needs fixing. What I'm trying to say is that I apologize, and I love you both.

"...it's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car..."

P.S. I need to get back to being productive soon, this boredom is becoming physically painful.

the hardest part...

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:42:53 GMT

"...and other times I feel like I should go."

I don't think you realize at all, so caught up in the only damn thing that matters anymore. I don't fit into this equation. I should have learned from past experience that triangles never work. But as long as you're happy, then to you I've got no justification. Fuck it, you're already planning your response, aren't you?

Frustrated and bitter and lonely. But hey, I'll be gone again soon, right? I'm much less work when I'm half drunk in an apartment in some distant country.

"So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep. Just sleep."

No matter what they say.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 03:36:41 GMT

"When you say best friends it means friends forever..."

Hong Kong soon, maybe...I don't really know. You know those thousands of miles...they bring trouble.

"Life is a test and I get bad marks, now some saint's got the job of writin' down my sins...A storm is coming, a storm is coming in..."

Friday, December 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:58:38 GMT

"I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed..."

I'm having trouble finding joy in simple things.

"I used to care, I was being careful..."

I'm feeling jaded and boring and wishing that I cared at all.

"I used to pray when God was listening..."

I didn't realize I had so many that I never read because I just didn't see the point.

"...Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it."

If I could control my dreams, then I would be addicted to sleeping pills.

...These days I only carry it to burn things down.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 02:41:28 GMT

Hello there,

I am at a... strange time in my life, I guess you would say. A time that, if my life were a book, would define me as a person. A time that, if my life were a movie, you would hear touching music play while an old voice narrated my innermost thoughts. My life isn't a book or a movie, apparently.

I'm forgetting things. Feelings I felt once that meant the world to me now fade a little more every day. Have you ever experienced that? Where you know you have to see someone again before its too late and you've forgotten them completely? Or you have to go somewhere that used to be special before its too late and you go there only to find whatever it was that was special to you is gone now. That the feeling isn't there anymore and you hate it because you know that the place hasn't changed, so it must be something inside you that's lost.

Eh, I've realized that I don't really know much about anything, so everything I've say tends to be useless. So I am probably just rambling...again.

This isn't the start of me updating regularly, so don't expect that of me.

Night.