I was thinking atheism but then I realized my symptoms point directly at nihilism. hahaha.

Kana and I talked about what I've been thinking about and we started to come up with a bunch of possibilities on what happens when we die. We just had a laugh at it.

I really feel like people put too much thought into this whole concept of life.

Out of fear came religion.
Miracles? Everyone's a little psychic. The power of our minds are always underestimated. We can do a lot more than we think we can if we really want it desperately.
History? No one knows what is manipulated and what is not in historical documents. None of us were there a thousand years ago, were we?
People are capable of a lot of things than we give credit for.

But then again, we're just a bunch of creatures on this tiny little planet we decided to call Earth. We aren't even fully aware of what goes on in our own galaxy. There's just no way we can judge how big the universe is.
And then again, what is bigger than the universe? For such a long time, people didn't even think of outer space. We don't know if the universe is the ultimate space of existance.

If such a being as "God" or the "Creator" exists, what makes people such a being gives a crap about a bunch of people on a tiny little planet? How is anyone out there sure that there aren't any other intelligent organisms out there somewhere in the universe or even outside of the universe? There's obviously no way to be sure.

Humans are ignorant and powerless in so many areas. Even areas we can't even think or imagine of.

This makes me laugh at the whole world. Why? Because I watch all this drama lama going on every day, all these serious faces and and people with deep thoughts (like me) and...
There could be creatures out there that are laughing right at our faces without us knowing?
To them, our deepest thoughts and discoveries could just be the fundamentals; just the start of a whole bigger picture.

What makes people think that we are so deep and profound? So valuable and important? Sometimes, it even feels like people are so egocentric and arrogant, thinking that the "creator" or "God" cares a whole lot about each and one of us.

And even if "God" really does exist and care for each and one of us, who's in control of "God?"

But then again, we don't know what "God" really is about... Well, I don't since I don't believe in God. I have no idea what "God" is. Don't know what the "Creator" consists of.

I used to think that there HAS to be a biginning. That there HAS to be a creator who started this whole mess called the world and life. But... I could be completely wrong. Like I said previously, we're so ignorant and powerless. We might be blind to even the fundamentals of this entire plain of existence.

Pretty overwhelming to think about. There are too many possibilities. Too many guesses I can make... And they still could just be extremely pathetic and fundamental.

What makes us think that we are so much more complicated than a rock? To our logic and findings, we came to a conclusion that a rock is just... a rock. But we don't know everything, do we?
We are like blind people touching the leg of an elephant and determining what it really is. In a world that we don't even know of, a rock could be so much more than how much value we give it.
On the other hand, humans might not mean much at all. We created the concept of time, the concept of morality, the concept of absolutely everything we live by and stress over all the time or take advantage of and enjoy. Without these concepts we came up with, there's no meaning to life. There is no meaning to life.

There's simply no way to tell.

Also, is there such a thing as THE ANSWER?
Is there anything that brings the entire plane of existance as one whole package? Does the concept of unity even exist, looking at the entire huge picture? Pfft, IS THERE a huge picture? Might not even be a picture.

There could be no such thing as "an end" and no such thing as "the start" of everything.

We might find out when we die
or we might never know for our entire existence.

I do feel held back and trapped knowing so little but at the same time, I feel like ignorance is bliss.

At least I am able to create my own reality and afterlife in my head.
My mind is where I am the most free.


---------------------

I've been thinking about college majors and things I want to learn more about and I came up with:

-Sociology
-Philosophy
-Psychology
-Something to do with Writing.

=]

Yes, I'm again, withdrawing from all social activities, basically.

I'm having trouble dealing with other people's problems lately so I haven't been active on Teenhelp and I'm just... not up for much at all socially.

So for those of you who are kind enough to leave a comment on my weblog entries, thank you very much but for a while, it looks like I won't be replying to them or giving feedback.

I don't know how long this will last but it definitely sucks because it makes me feel... weird.

I don't even feel like writing about my feelings today. Don't really want to talk about it either. I just want to sleep and study and watch TV because doing anything more than that makes me feel intense emotions.

I'm breaking apart (again).
I keep wanting to cry and the fact that tears just won't fucking come out makes me wanna...

I'm so frustrated.
I have all this anger built up in myself about so many things and I am unable to release them.
I am surrounded by things that anger me and I spend every fucking day dealing with things that I disagree with.

I hate the way the education system runs in Korea and I hate my school.
The way our homeroom teacher talks about students. The way he describes what being strong means... It's all pathetic.

I hate him.

But I don't blame him for the views he has because he is, after all, just another casualty of the Korean education system.
I hate how much value studying is given. Today he said: "Studying and the exams are the most important things in your life. Other things are minor and don't hold much value at all."
I wanted to scream at him for that.

When I look at the people in my class, I can't help but to feel sorry for them. To me, they just look like a bunch of robots or poor little gerbiles forced to work and pursue things that barely hold significance in life.

I hate how after so many talks about how I should pursue whatever I wish to pursue; do things the way I want to, mom is again on my ass about how I need to get into the top two schools in Korea.
I should've known that she hasn't let go of all HER dreams for me.
This isn't the first time she's done this. It has always happened. I don't know why I believed her this time around. I shouldn't have.

I'm so extremely upset at this.

So upset at the education system and the fabrication of fake dreams and brain washing. Torturing kids and stealing their creativity. Making everything systematic and meaningless.

Everything is about competition. Everything.
Everyone's standards are the same so everyone keeps on trying to meet that same old standards. Everyone's running for the same exact thing! No wonder 90% of the people are not getting what they "want."

There are simply too many people in this god damn world. It's way too populated so there's no time to rest. Everyone has to run for what they need and not want just so they can have food on their table every day. It's just like that game where a bunch of people have to run for that one chair left in the middle. Someone is bound to be left out.
It's ridiculous.

I hate it. I fucking hate this world and neither my mom nor my school is making it easier for me to pursue my own goals and my own dreams instead of their moldy and meaningless goals.