MonkeyBrainRei's Xanga

Hey, DON'T be yourself, kid.

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:32:49 GMT

It's as if I'm on a balance.
I am on one side and every day, my mom chooses one person my age to put on the opposite side of me.
She weighs us and sees who is worth more.
Me or the other kid?
And it's always the other kid.
It's as if I'm just a grain of sand and nothing more.

I don't have a good enough SAT score compared to X
I don't have good enough grades compared to Y
I'm not as much of a hard worker as Z is.

I'm always a disappointment.
Never the daughter she wishes I was.

From the day I was born, her mind was probably filled with my future:
All the way from my career status all the way to how my nails would look.

And for the last sixteen years of my life, I have been nothing more than a disappointment.
It must really break her heart.

Hey mom, I'm sorry I'm such a horrible daughter.
I'm sorry I'm not as nerdy as you wish I were and I'm sorry I'm not as cool as you wish I were.
I'm sorry for letting myself be instead of trying to fit into shoes that are simply too small or too big for me.

Oh, and most of all, I'm sorry I'm not living your dreams.

I understand that she wants me to be happy and that is why she is putting all this pressure on me but I honestly think that I would do fine without all the fucking pressure.
It's ridiculous!

And those sorry words and hugs I got back in January when I my parents found out that I was suicidal?
Where did they go?
Now, whenever the subject comes up, she just tells me that it's my fault that I was suicidal.
It was all because I would lock myself in my room and not come out.
Because I lacked oxygen in my room.
Because I was being anti social.

Not at all her fault anymore.
My honest words drenched in tears have all been erased.
Long gone.
The paint has all chipped off the fucking wall. Stupid cheap paint she used to paint my life with.

I will live my life the way I want to and you will see. I will be the happiest bitch on earth and then you'll see that your way isn't the only way, mom.

Please just don't make me kill myself before I can smile (and then blame it on me at my funeral).

Fuck.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 04:55:28 GMT

I want to fucking DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-esteem.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:35:22 GMT

Confidence and self-esteem

Today, everyone keeps shouting those word to people who are sitting in the corner with their eyes to the wall.
They tell people to be confident in who they are and tell them to be proud of themselves.

So why do people constantly stigmatize those who acknowlege their talent?

Is it really fair to feed them confidence and then make them puke it out when they finally swallow and digest it?
If others are allowed to compliment others, why is it not okay to compliment oneself?
Why aren't we allowed to give ourselves pats on the back and say: "I did a great job. I am talented"?

Because of the killing stare and words we pour on each other every time we are proud of ourselves, a lot of us end up hiding our talents and rejecting compliments when deep inside, in our true conscience, we know that we are worth the compliments.

We are all hiding pearls and refuse to get out of our shells because the sea we live in is just acid.

We live in hypocrisy.
We are not allowed to speak their confidence.
We are silent.

So stop denying your talents,
Stop denying your worth
for it only makes me hate you for being a liar.

More than anything, please stop hating others for their confidence you keep feeding them.

Admit it
Choke up the silence
And be truly confident.

Excitement

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:52:36 GMT

The most exciting part is when there is less than a month left until the moment I am patiently waiting for.

It's far but not too far
I can start planning and materializing the day instead of simply dreaming about it.
It becomes more and more true and solid in the time I am traveling.

And so the true excitement begins.
The waiting process is where the euphoria begins.
The image of the moment in my head is so perfect mixed with the realistic imaginations and the wishes.

My heart skips a beat before it starts to speed up.
And as it speeds up, my fingers tingle and I can barely breathe.
I scream the scream that is stuck in my throat and I bite my lips trying not to grin until my mouth tears sideways.
My feet break the silence and tap the floor rapidly and the soundwaves from it ripples bigger and bigger through the room.
My reality shakes as I lose myself in the concentration on the moment that is to come.

And alas, the moment arrives.
At this point, I am much more glad than excited that the moment has hit me straight in the face instead of wavering out of my way.
Painfully relieving.

But as the moment starts being spent away, my excitement turns into sentences with wishes and my smile heavy at the thought of the end. The end of what I had been waiting for for so long.

And finally, when the moment is gone, I am left with the breeze that carries the trash and silence.
Back to disparity and the task of searching for something to excite me.
The fuel to keep me running and going again.
Something to make me want to live.
The moment.

Again and again until the day I die.

Inexplicable.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:40:47 GMT

It's hard to explain the way I feel right now.
I don't know whether it is true sorrow or if it's just another moment.

I am getting increasingly afraid of loving and trusting someone.
It's hard to handle the thoughts I'm having.

It's as if I'm someone who has been heart broken too many times to be able to let herself love again.
The truth is, I was only in love once and I was the one to end it. My fire died out. Not his.
And yet, I was heart broken.
I was heart broken to know that I no longer love the person that I thought I loved so dearly.
I was heart broken to know that a sensation so magical and beautiful was long gone from me.
And I was terrified of what love is capable of doing -- destruction.

And I no longer craved love.

I left myself in the past and today, I live through every day with wind passing through my inside.

I am no longer the girl who loved the concept of love.
I am no longer the girl who was willing to love with all her heart.

I have locked myself away from it and now, I am too scared to go near love.
I now yell and scream at the thought of me loving someone
and I kick and shout at the thought of being in a serious and deep relationship.

I simply feel like puking when I think of saying "I love you" to a boy.
I don't ever want to feel that intense love again.
I'm too scared to lose it.

Animal Rights

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:46:33 GMT

There are a lot of ways to cook animals.
Some cultures decide to cook animals in very disturbing and cruel ways.

I will not pin point at any specific culture but I will say that I don't think that it is right for any human being to kill an animal so brutally and painfully.

Animals have lives. They are born, they breathe, they grow, they move, eat and live just like humans. They can feel. They have nerve endings,they have brains.

So why do so many people care so much about human rights yet neglect the rights of animals?

I am not stating that humans should all become vegetarians and live like monks but I am stating that there should be a pain limit when it comes to killing animals.

There are several ways to kill ducks and some of them are:
1) chop its head off
2) stuff it with ingredients to death
3) tie its legs together and cook it alive on burning frying pans.

It's so much easier to kill them by simply chopping their heads off.
How much of a difference in taste does it make when it is stuffed to death or burned to death?
Not too much, I bet.
Not enough to kill someone. Not.at.all.

So why cook them so cruely?

If humans have the rights to die in peace, don't animals as well?

Just because humans are superior, it doesn't mean that other organisms are allowed to be completely stripped from their rights.

We are the ones eating them. We are the ones taking advantage. The least we can do is to kill them with love.

Humans have the brains to either harm nature or live in harmony with nature.
Why do we keep choosing harm instead of harmony?

Why are we promoting peace and love when we can't even get the basics right?

Capital Punishment

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 08:34:00 GMT

I am pro capital punishment and here is why:

This gets entangled with my beliefs but to put it simply,

Why waste food, water, space, electricity, et cetera on people who are obviously extremely harmful for the society?

They can be used for labor?
A lot of people are jobless in the world who are desperate to even find a small job that will get them a bowl of rice for the day. Why give the work to worthless scumbags when someone who has a family to support can use the job and earn some money?

They're humans too.
Yes. They are. But I personally believe that there are people out there who just don't deserve to live. Some people are just not at all remorseful or guilty for their disgusting actions. It's unfortunate and a lot of people always have this hope of criminals becoming "good," but in reality, a lot of people are just a bunch of well, criminals.

There are way too many cases where criminals are released only to be caught again after harming other people's lives...again.

So why not just get rid of them?

BUT the shitty thing about capital punishment is that innocent people could have their lives taken away by people with power and malicious intents (government officials especially)

Personal Statement

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:27:37 GMT

I'm having SO much trouble trying to write up an essay for my college applications.

I just don't know what to write about!!

I know that I think a lot and have had tons and tons of realizations and significant events in my life but I just don't know what would impress colleges.

Most of my thoughts are not so positive and those that ARE positive are just the most obvious realizations ever. So... what the hell do I write about???

I'm so stuck. It's driving me insane.
I don't know!!!!
=[

I wish someone could seriously help me.
I need someone who knows how to do this. Like...seriously know how to do this.

=]

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:49:48 GMT

Things I wanna do when I graduate:

- Photography
- Paint
- Write write write
- Work at a cafe
- Teach kids English (strictly to earn money. I don't particularly enjoy teaching).
- Find an orphanage to help out at and... help out.
- Play piano like a mad woman.
- Play violin
- Learn how to play the guitar.
- Learn to cook yum yum food.
- Travel.
- Get a mother fucking make over.
- Go to shows!!!
- PARTYYY!!!!!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:31:29 GMT

The fact that no matter how hard I try to black out my feelings,
In the end, they're still translucent to others.

The fact that to people who understand the way I feel
In the end, figure out exactly what I'm feeling.

I only found these facts out today.
Today.